More Than Anything

Dear readers,

I face so much strife on a day to day basis.

Do you?

I encounter a lot of disrespectful people.

Do you?

In recent weeks I have lost the ability to effectively communicate. I have tried to write on numerous occasions but stare blankly unable to form sentences with jumbled thoughts. I have struggled with much inward turmoil, and the more that turns and churns inward, the worse for us all.

More than anything. Today. I love feeling the drizzling rain. Smelling leaves. Gazing at color saturated trees. I read somewhere that the beauty of fall is that the trees teach us how beautiful letting go can be.

You know the "I ain't doin it" lady... C'mon. You know you do. She is all over the place. Imagine me doing the same. I cannot let go. "Good lord" and "I would rather" and "that's not right" and all the other phrases too.

My baggage is deep, wide, heavy, and multiplying.

I am a small person. Although I just told my tall husband yesterday that I feel medium, actually. Because Erin Mummert is smaller than me. And two other people I know. So I'm basically medium. But medium still, my shoulders and back are not up to the task of supporting my baggage.

As a leader, if my reports cannot make it to work on time, or cannot handle the daily assigned tasks, I take that on myself, as a negative reflection of me, when really, it is on them.

As a mother when my child makes choices that are not viewed best by me, I take that on myself.

As a friend who manages to lose contact and connection with other friends, I stack that up.

As a daughter and sister with miles, memories, and no stops for calls in between, I add that to my pack.

As a person who would love to identify as a bondservant of Jesus, I throw right up there on top of the whole heap, the weaknesses of falling short of representing and serving Him well, and at all costs.

Baggage for days. For years. Full. Heavy. Weighted.

I am proud of two, just two, things in my life that I have been able to release. With good grace. Super big baggage that would not pass as carry on, and would require extra handling fees.

More than anything. I am grateful. There is exquisite beauty in the pain of holding, in the rush of bouncing back and forth in the winds of decision and emotion. Then. You let it go.

The person you are now is wiser, stooped, perhaps, but wiser. In the release you can see what has been freed. Space. For healing. For new dreams. For love.

More than anything. I would like to lighten the load I carry with me everywhere. It's so heavy. So heavy. I need three Smarte Cartes. Legit.

When I look out my window, during this my favorite time, I'm reminded of beauty.

Of letting go. With good grace. All the things that are not meant for me. And all the things that do not belong in my pack.

I will forever be hard on myself. I will hold myself to an impossible standard. I will carry bags until I pass from the life.

More than anything. Jesus knows His Angela struggles with pushing and pulling carts of stuff. He knows it. He smiles and looks on her with love and likely consternation that she never ever learns, but His mercy with her is the deepest ocean.

More than anything.

Color saturated trees.

Exquisite beauty.

Decision.

Let go.

With good grace. And a thankful heart.

To Change Me

Today is Sunday.

I am about to consume chili and cornbread for-the-win.

I just mowed the lawn wearing Ryan's hoodie, also for-the-win, along with using his precious noise canceling headphones. (Both of which are basically too large. How did two people so unlike become one? It's a mystery for sure.)

On these headphones I was listening to Christmas music. Best gift ever. Jesus. Love. Came to earth for you and me. No better time than 10/1 to start the joy.

It goes hand-in-hand with my project.

Today, I was given a project, and it would be the truth to say that I am completely overwhelmed.

During the sermon this morning at Grace Fellowship, our pastor said we should look in the seat back pockets in front of us, and grab the orange envelope. I checked, and then dutifully grabbed the one I found and held onto it while he continued. He went on to say that there might not be envelopes everywhere and that was okay.

I began to feel nervous.

Because this was clearly not an assignment for each parishioner.

"Oh,hey new friend, did you just arrive? I think this orange envelope is for you not me."

The orange envelope unwrapped...

Each one contains a $100 bill that the church budgeted for this church (4 campuses wide) project.

Each person must use/invest the $100 for an act of compassion outside the church walls.

You must tell the person/people you help why you are doing it. (ie tangibly showing God's love)

You must write a page about your thoughts - how you feel about being the one getting the envelope, who you helped, and the results.

You have until 10/19 to complete the entire task and turn in your feedback.

You may have to share your story publicly.


Um.

.....

So. Yeah.

The kids wanted to hold the $100 bill.

We talked about the extreme importance of being good stewards.

We talked about what options to pursue.

They laughed because I might have to give a presentation, thankful that it will not be them, giving a public report of how they spent God's money.

I am nervous.

But I am so excited by the opportunity. Compassion as action is what I always want my legacy to be. Love. Lived out. Freely given. When I take my leave of you, whether by relocation, or when I have passed from this life, it is my sincere desire that you would be able to say....she loved well. I could easily see that she lived her faith in a genuine way. That she was different. That she helped me to see even a glimpse of who Jesus is.

It's such a tall order. It really is.

But it is the heartbeat of heaven.

I'll keep you posted on what is sure to be a life changing, joyful experience. Giving is so much better than getting. I love love love giving gifts and treats of all kinds. To get to do so in the name of Jesus is an honor and privilege.

For now. Consider this...

Emmanuel, Prince of peace
Loves come down for you and me
Heaven's gift, the holy spark
To let the way inside our hearts

Bethlehem, through your small door
Came the hope we've waited for
The world was changed forevermore
When love was born