Sunday evening on the last day of a very hot July finds me eager to eat a warm chocolate chip cookie and drink a cup of coffee. It doesn't make a lot of sense but I'd probably preface it with a glass of ice water.
It has been an interesting weekend of house cleaning, deconstruction, reconstruction and the giving away of worldly goods. I can define it as a settling in to the space that my body has occupied for almost two years. You know more of what you want versus what you don't and act accordingly. To this physical phase I am adding the emotional component...
Two years in Texas. My life is a foreign chapter of travel and exhaustion which I don't recognize. I never in my dreams or imaginations pictured my life to be the way it now is. One thing I have found to be true, life always goes that way. I opened photo books this weekend and gazed at my life in print. You know what I saw? Happiness. We of course do not intentionally take or pose for photos when we are upset but our parents at times offer some gems up for reflection. (Like the photo of me crying about having to eat boiled potatoes. I'm actually not embarrassed by it which was their intention, it strengthened my determination not to eat a boiled potato ever again; upon gaining the threshold of free will, I haven't. ) Since we take photos during happy times, it can be a joy to travel through the stages of our life. We might remember feeling disgruntled right before the photo was snapped but sometimes it is overlooked as the memory is rose colored by the emotion that is captured by the camera. When I would like to feel melancholy about the past, I simply need to take out the photo album and see happiness staring back at me.
Every day I walk with stronger step forward to a life that still remains unknown to me. I still consider myself to be friendless in Texas, meaning that bosom friend is not yet arrived in my heart. I know that it takes such a long time to grow an old friend, so I am spending all that energy on my family rather than wondering when it will happen. I have intentional faith that it will happen, one day I will love this life as much as any of the others, and when it happens, it will be a beautiful and tangible thing to hold. In the meantime, I have just four years with these guys. Four years and I could be an empty nester. My mind drifts over the years ahead and I can only dream of what is in store.
I am starting to form the idea that I would like to have a life that includes my passions and my connections. I was recently telling an old friend that you don't enjoy old things when you are younger. You want new things for your home that you are building as a newlywed. You want new adventures and you boldy go forth. But there is something to be said about the wisdom of age and the changing of values over time. I can now boldly go forth on adventures but I am embracing and carrying the old along with me. I picture a life that includes my favorite books, and gardening. My hair is getting quite gray - and so I see a gray haired Angela with knowing blue eyes making raspberry jam and fresh bread. It is a slower life I think. I dream of a slower life, filled with quilts, soft lamps, fresh flowers and the man I love still tinkering in the garage, for he has definitely brought along his tools.
God has been good to carry me these recent years for it has been a weary road. I can see that success can be measured in many ways, but that joy is still to be found in the simple things for I am a hobbit at heart. My adventures give me scope and depth, and I embrace that, but the cry of my heart is for the hearth.
To quote a much better writer...."where our hearts truly lie is in peace and quiet and good, tilled earth. For all hobbits share a love for things that grow. And, yes, no doubt to others, our ways seem quaint. But today of all days, it is brought home to me: It is no bad thing to celebrate a simple life."
I sit here on a Sunday evening, painting the future with green and gold and the baby blue eyes of Ryan.
In summary, though, I know that many are the plans in the heart of man but God orders his steps.
