We are moving through the calendar at a rapid pace. I knew that life would hit an acceleration period, but I truly did not realize how fast it would seem to dissipate as I moved through my forties. I also didn't realize I would wake up every morning or mid-night wondering what that new ache means and if my sleep will ever feel restful again. Will I ever wake up not feeling tired? Someone phone a friend, dial the operator, something....someone help, that's all I can ask. I seriously am considering fixing my deviated septum because maybe that means I can breathe, and maybe breathing is conducive for living a good life. Ya think?
I think we well established quite some time ago that I don't have a lot of outlets right now, so this puts me in a constant state of self coaching. In theory, this should be a good thing. In execution, it's quite the opposite. I'm rather in a perpetual state of self loathing while I try to coach myself on all these improvements I should make.
Have you ever been here?
It's not my favorite place to be.
Work is stressful. Not having a church home is stressful. Not having a local gang is stressful. Parenting is stressful. Trying to count points is stressful & pitiful. I'm not sure why this $50 Fitbit knockoff says I'm not stressed, because it's stressful that in trying to save money I bought something that lies.
All the while. The days of my life slip away. Quietly. With exhaustion. With stress. With coaching. I don't want to greet the days that are here, I want to visit the days that I'm sure are around the next several turns of this road. The "some days" and the "one days" that we often speak of when maybe our "forced" labors will ease, the kids will be grown and we can focus on the life we want now that our life is nearing its end.
Like a vapor. Life is slipping away.
Maybe you are with me, here, on the side of the road with heads in hands; here, in a very stress filled life....
Let's connect to the reality that all the days we are given have value. We, as the image bearers of God, have deep and eternal value. (Those counting points and those climbing mountains. Good on both of ya.) I'll stop thinking about retirement, if you reach out your hand to me, and tell me what you will forgo. Then let's focus on the positives in front of us.
I, Angela, am stressed, exhausted & sad. I'm dreaming of the day when I will quit corporate life and have the opportunity for learning how to garden, and then writing in the garden I create with my hands.
My life today has so much value amidst the chaos. God is weaving together these fractured minutes and hours to create something beautiful. He promises rest for my soul. He promises He is the way to abundant life.
I don't want to foolishly squander the gift of time, even if it looks less like writing and more like office space. I will pick up my pack and journey forward from here.
I have a feeling I will spot some daffodils... God's best creation indicating life amidst chaos.
