Take A Bullet

Good Morning from New York!

Quite possibly the corona capital of the US...or close to it. I'm sitting on the couch in a quiet house because I'm not making my teenagers get up yet and my husband is already "working" in his very quickly converted home office.  Do you know what?  Before Amazon stopped shipping all of the things we want, they made a fortune in home office equipment sales.  A fortune.

My life is changing this week and I have only complained to the people I love most, multiple times.  My anticipated frustrations are very likely coming to fruition and the reason I am frustrated is they could be (somewhat) avoided by leaders being leaders and getting the thing organized.  Friends, if you hold a leadership position, think long and hard about your delivery and your skills and when you find them lacking, fix it.  For the love, FIX IT.  I'm sorry to the people I love most.  The truth about me is I only need to vent when people aren't doing things right.  When everyone is doing things the way I want, it's all good.  I'm the boss because my way is right.  I am very successful at most of the things I do so take note, okay?  (Please to my new readers....read that in the context it's presented. It's half truth/ half jest/half exasperation.  Of course I'm not always right...there is about 2% give or take.)

To combat this....I'm going to share some of my story from our European tour.  Remember that?

Now. Now.  I am giving you the full chance and opportunity to opt out right now.  This has some details and tiddly bits that might make you uncomfortable.  This is for the ladies in the group, but read on, if you are so inclined.


I went to Europe in October.  I met Ryan there and we traveled through 5 countries and it was amazing.  I am so, so grateful I got to have that experience.  Again, for any new readers, I am not really equipped to be outside the borders of America. I hope I will do okay in heaven, but time will tell. (Please make it a teensy bit like America). Also I am not trying to be offensive, this is just my front line experience as reported by myself .

Do you know you have to pay to use the bathroom in Europe?! Like literally carry coinage, put it in a machine, get a ticket, and proceed to stall #3.  Never have I ever....  Reasons this doesn't work for me.  1)I never carry cash. Never. I would have to buy stock in Depends.  2) It is time consuming! Sometimes
you are desperate and you just so happen to be in line behind an American who can't get their life in order.  I suggest that Taco Bell stay stateside.   3) Going to the bathroom is a specific God given right.  If someone is charging, the money had better be going to the work of Jesus.

My very first time needing to use a toilet, (and incidentally they just put it right on the outside sign: TOILETS. No sugarcoating: RESTROOMS.) I was in Germany at Neuschweinsten castle.  Being at a tourist destination, the line was longish and we had men and women waiting. The separation between men and women toilets is very scarce.  I also am not on board with this.  Ryan didn't join so I was anxiously watching everyone in front of me.  How were they operating the coin machine? Did they push any buttons?  Is there any English on the machine?  The line stopped for awhile, then people ducked under the gates and proceeded to the stalls. Me and one other guy remained and in came a large, loud German man.  I am sweating bullets because I really need to use the restroom.  Apparently the machine is broken and he is here to save the day; he is not allowing the two poor souls in line to get a freebie.  He seems to fix it up and the guy in front of me puts his money in, and pushes the button, just like everyone before him.  He proceeds.  I do exactly the same thing, desperate to get behind a closed door.

He yells. "NEIN. NEIN. NEIN."

My face is literally the sheepish emoji with the teeth.  Uhhh....

He bangs the machine.  Speaks in German

Sheepish emoji.

Speaks in German and waves arms.

I believe I figured it out. The button was the rejected coin dispenser.  Like for PacMan.

I am still trying to determine if he was angry because I was technologically challenged or because I was arrogantly daring to use a bathroom stall for free.

Literally every person in front of me did that.  I was merely following suit.  Now....what was I saying about leadership....  Hum.  I guess there are more people than just myself who don't know how to pay to use the potty.

I recently had surgery and this surgery was a direct result of my European tour.  And this is the part for the ladies....  Seriously, you can't be angry with me if you choose to continue...

You can imagine that of course I would get my period on my dream European vacation.  If I were like most people who breeze right through it, fine.  But alas, there is no breezing.  Picture you are driving through Europe in a rented car, with limited supplies of underwear and clothes, you pretty much have no idea where you are going, and you are the passenger (the passenger cannot always express the direness adequately.) You don't know where the rest stops are, everything is in a different language, you are constantly being rerouted for construction, and you brought no protection with you.  I mean...for the love.

I was so stressed out, certain I'd be scrubbing seats...with what, I can be certain. Kleenex and spit? We looked for a place to stop.  I didn't want to waste time at the wrong stops, but we had no choice.  I didn't want to get out of the car... I was sure it was too late.  I'm tearing up.  And there was nothing at the store.  We proceed a few miles farther, which if we found nothing, meant we had to go twenty miles back to the freeway and my life was over.

I'd like to interject that my husband is my favorite.  He handled me like a champ. All the way through Europe and he never complained.  It was a very unfortunate complication that could have ruined the trip but he was so.very.understanding.and.patient.  Triple gold star.

God in his divine Providence provided at the next stop. Ladies, I couldn't understand what was in my hands.  60 tampons in this tiny box?! Extra absorbent, no less? What was this madness?

We made it to the hotel, I rush to the bathroom,  I open the box, and out pops a bullet.

Legit.

I audibly speak my thoughts.

 Ryan asks if everything is okay.

"Uhh...I guess. Actually I'm not sure. I'm forty years old and about to learn a new old process. I have an extra absorbent bullet in my hand.  I will have to read the directions."   5 months later my mind is still blown.

Ladies, it's very difficult to unwrap the plastic around said bullet.  I wasted a few of the precious at a couple rest stops in Switzerland because those suckers slipped right out of my hands.  I was not retrieving them....cool runnings, man. (You'll know what that means if you've seen the movie. Watch it during isolation.)

You have to twist and turn it to expand the product and then no applicator.  It starts to look a little less like a bullet but all I can say is the manufacturers must not understand what it is to be traipsing through Europe with a heavy cycle, using paid stressful toilets, where you don't have a lot of time, and where all the goods and services are public and...no applicators.


"Oh hello, good sir, don't mind me.  Just slipping right over here to the sink to wash my hands.  No, no one was murdered today.  Yet."

Oh. My. Word.

I took my trusty $45 duffel bag to Europe.  I bought it at Walmart in 2011 before I went to Singapore.  It's been all over, it's a trusted good friend.  Take that, all you expensive luggage brands.  It was just canvas over a frame, very simple.  As I started to pack for the trip home, I realized my box of bullets wasn't going to fit. I emptied the box into the bag and stuffed the extra gifts and things in. Upon check in I noticed the bag had a somewhat large hole near the handle.  You could look right inside the bag. I mentioned it to the lady, and all she would do is make me sign s paper stating the airline didn't make the hole.  No tape? Really? In 2019?

I looked at Ryan.

I said: "I love this bag.  He's been a great traveling companion, he got me on the bus in Malaysia, he got me to Salt Lake City,  but I am fully prepared to leave him and all my worldly goods behind in Chicago.  Because if he comes down the belt spraying bullets, I am not playing 52 pickup. I repeat, that's a hard no. Do we have an accord?"

We clasped hands and walked to security.  Laughing the entire way.  We are meant for each other.

This is how I know that I will make it through this pandemic and this life.  I have a great companion. His name is Ryan.

Toilet Paper - Could There Be Another Title?

Good evening, dear friends, and unknown readers....

You are safe here.  I don't know who comes and goes with any regularity.

These last seven days have been most irregular.  Would it surprise you if I said I haven't been to the grocery store in 9 days? I am not the one buying toilet paper.  I am not the one buying bread. I am not afraid of not having bread although I love it dearly.  (I am the tiniest bit discouraged at the thought of no tea.)

I don't know what is going on out there.  Is it a blockbuster movie come to life to change the course of our life?  Is it the beginning of the Lord's return? Is it merely an illness and nothing else? Is the government actually turning itself upside down and inside out to the delight and full extent of every conspiracy theorist's thought?

I don't know.

I am not that deluded, nor am I that smart.

Friends. I don't NEED to know.  I don't need to be smarter than the government.  I don't need to be smarter than the CDC.  I don't need to have watched every movie Steven Spielberg or Stephen King ever inspired.

I am a daughter of the only King.  With that comes specific peace.

I don't want the government to turn upside down. I don't want martial law enforced or anything remotely close to that. I don't want to be without toilet paper (specifically two ply) or bread or cereal. (I'm a hungry type person.) I don't want a zombie to bite my head off or a mist to overtake me whereupon I find myself in the mouth of a 7 headed monster with eighteen rows of teeth. I also don't want to not be able to go to church or the library or Chili's.  Look.  None of that sounds appealing to me.

But I do not fear it. I do not fear any of what is going on.

I've often wondered about the "peace that passes understanding" that is described and preached and others more devout and holy than myself, talk about. When will I have it? When does it apply?  Will I recognize it? Is it a way of life rather than an abstract idea? I'm certainly not a candidate for this although Jesus says I am.

Guess what?  Emotional Angela, the one they always worry about being stable and able to handle life, emotional Angela....    does not feel emotional.  (Except the tiniest bit about the tea thing)

This is the peace that passes understanding.

It's here.  And you can have it.

You don't have to delve into the drama and trauma.  You don't have to worry and wonder.

You can fix your eyes on the perfecter of your faith and walk in peace.

No matter what happens, you can already know the end of the story.  You can get to live in heaven with Jesus who has been building and planning for your arrival since before the foundation of the earth.

It's an interesting and strange time, it might get more interesting and strange, but you can know peace.  Peace that passes understanding.  That's the presence of Jesus.  He probably isn't going to bring me any tea but He's taking me to heaven one day and He is along for this ride wherever it's going.

May He continue to give me the courage to sit on a hill and the grace to shine well.

Baby Of Mine

Forty is kicking my ass.  Typically I would not use the word "ass," but writers must choose the exact word for the moment, and "ass" is it.  I am not entirely sure how the good Lord feels about that word as a noun for the "gluteal region" rather than an animal, but perhaps we'll have a conversation about that some day.

Mid-life crisis might be a thing.

So much is happening in quick succession that I don't have time to quite recover.  The timing of all these events is uncanny and I am honestly not a fan of one thing after another after another.

I'm raising boys. There have been many difficult moments over the years, but unless I forget some key things, and God has probably graciously allowed that so as to save my sanity, middle school years trump it all to date.  I have always been pleased at the age gap of my children, but I have one entering and one departing this school year and it's more than I can take.  Many times, from those who have gone before, I have been told that eighth grade is the hardest.  It's true.  It's tough. And it's tough that the other guy who is supposed to be on my team is turning.

There is a distinct line, a pivotal, defining moment in the life of every boy.  It is the moment that his mother no longer holds the moon.  My last baby crossed that line last Wednesday and I have not recovered.  I cried the entire way to work that day.  I've cried every day since.  I keep telling myself  "You, Angela, have nerves of steel. Somewhere, deep down inside of you, you have nerves of steel that will shelter your heart from the pain your beloved child wants to impart."  I'm still looking.  I know it's there... Slightly out of reach for now.

My job as a parent is to raise two dependent babies to independent adulthood.  They need to be able to understand who God is, they need to respect His authority and the authority of anyone who oversees them, they need to be productive, hardworking, kind, generous and many other lovely adjectives. In order to be successful, I am not permitted to be friends with my child.

If my son dislikes me because I have not given him what he desires, I do not get to yield.  He may try to punish me and still I do not get to yield.  My only job is to stick to the established guidelines and not cave to emotion.

Son, I see you.  I see that you are growing and expanding your horizons.  It has been my greatest joy to watch you do just these very things since day one. It has also been my greatest joy to hold the moon for you, and your brother, although it was getting a little heavy.  It is difficult to live up to such a high standard.  I am re-living each moment that I was your first choice.  It was truly a gift. I know this separation has to happen because we are not going to be roommates until you are forty.  Going through these changes with both you and your brother, pretty much simultaneously, is, well, my least favorite event in all my parenting years.  I need to call your Grandpa and your Grandma and tell them "thanks" for getting me from Point A to Point B all those years ago.  I also need to make some apologies.  I'll expect the same from you in about thirty years.  One thing you should know, beloved son, I really do have nerves of steel.  I will not yield. Today, I am not your friend, but I hope that one day somewhere down the road that I will be.

You are so precious to me....

Cute as can be...

Baby of mine...

Winter Is Not Forever

It's a cold Thursday in February.  Winter has been forever this year.  Would you agree?  I think it feels this way because it's been wintry in my life, winds blowing through the pieces of my life and scattering all my best laid plans.

These are my best laid plans: love God, love others, and eat.

It's pretty simple really, and just like no one person can manage to follow just ten basic commandments down to the letter, I can't manage these plans.

In recent weeks my ability to cope with others was at an all time low.  Summed up in few words: if you can't get your act together, I can't help you.  I was razor thin on patience and hog fat on judgment.  I'm not proud of that.

Adding to that....  I was hiding from church. I didn't want to go.  I didn't want to visit with people. I didn't want to concentrate and sit through a service.  Summed up in few words: because I am feeling confusing feelings, I can't worship.  I'm not proud of that either.

As you most certainly must know, I am from the Midwest.  America's heartland.  Apple pie flows like honey and chicken is best served fried.  My people do food; everything comes together with, and through, food.  Eating is truly one of life's joys and I embrace that sentiment.  I am completely unmotivated to craft a meal.  Can we just eat cereal and eggs? Every day?

It's winter, and while my joy is returning, I find myself aimless.  Many uncertainties cloud the future and I am not quite sure which direction my feet will go.  I don't live in the world that is colored in gray, only in black or white does it make sense. When the path in front of me seems to diverge, I get nervous.

I'm centering.  I'm starting slow.

One foot in front of the other.

Spending time in God's word.

A favorite passage:

"And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore into the mountains and broke the rocks in pieces before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice."

A still small voice.  Reminds me that faith gets shaken. Trials will be ever present. Friends will forsake.  My only sure foundation, the only place I can find fulfillment and certainty is in a nail pierced hand that continuously stretches toward mine. 

Oh how He loves you and me. In still, small ways.  Such as when my son made me dinner tonight.  What a treat to not have to craft a  meal after a very long day at work.  It's okay with me that it was eggs because I offered eggs for every day. 

In still, small ways I am collecting my plans, thoughts, and directions.  I am remembering that God's plans supercede my own always.  I will not be frightened because many blessings have come to me in this way. 

I am realigning and will embrace the current state of single parenthood that stretches before me.  It is not new, but an old path.  One that starts to fit like a glove. An exhausting, demanding glove.

Winter is not forever.  Summer lasts also but a season, and so it will pass from one to the next before I know it.  I will change with it and see what new horizons dawn.

The Eternal Rhyme

Tonight is about reflection.

We have to take the time necessary to process our feelings.  We women can't be rushed. Write that down.  It's important to process your emotion, how you feel about circumstances or trauma.  Until it's processed, it eats the interior of your soul and given time, can crush your spirit. 

Deal with your emotion. Always.  It is the only choice to make.  Do not put a pin in it. Do not table it indefinitely. 

My life as you may know is currently unraveling in emotion, personal distress, and physical chaos.  As of today, my body is no longer able to physically bear children.  My family was complete, in my mind, several years ago, but it does not allay the subsequent sadness that accompanies a final reality.  

Our family is a hot mess right now.  Ryan blew into town for the weekend, from Phoenix, bringing with him some type of flu bug.  I fought hard all weekend against any such disease so as not to delay my procedure for a second time. Noah succumbed.  Poor, sweet Noah who has the regular immunity of a horse, was hard hit. Man down.  He has been worrying all evening about missing a second day of school.  I understand his duress.  Ryan is going out of town in the morning, so I rallied him, as patient zero, to help me change the bedding, clean the bathroom and Lysol the teenage room.  I'm still trying not to succumb to germs on top of surgical difficulty.  I'm also attempting to keep Aaron clear of it, but he prefers to take tommorow off school thank you very much, and he has declined vitamin support. 

Today's recovery has been more difficult than I anticipated.  My doctor said: "You'll be fine with some Ibuprofen." Well. If you mean by an entire bottle of such, okay agreed. All the while, juggling laundry; flu bug detox; dishes that amount when nobody cares about life; emptying garbage and pushing fluids and pills; both for myself and others, I'm thinking that I'm due to high school orientation this week, and I will have no more babies.  My life is chaotic and precious; my girl parts have always been an issue, but God still blessed me with two amazing sons, and the ride ever draws nears an end.  It's a hot mess that I have been privileged to manage, and one that is denied to some.  My arms feel the slightest bit empty of sweet baby smiles and cuddles as my aching insides yearn for relief.

I see the night when I broke my foot as Ryan prepared to deploy with his unit for Operation Iraqi Freedom.  It was the night of Aaron's second birthday.  I have very strict rules that all kids must begin potty training by 2 - no exceptions. Broken bones and missing husbands included.  It is pure parental nonsense that one "wait until the child is ready" for toilet training.  You wait much past the beginning stages of two, my friend, and you are in for a battle of endless wills that will have you changing large sized, kucka smelling poop diapers and wishing you had the foresight to begin earlier.  Aaron gave me a run for my money. Literally.  He ran all over the house peeing, quite gleefully, while I chased him on crutches.  It was a hot mess. But in three weeks I was still the boss and his little buns were faithfully seated on the toilet. And I was still on crutches.

I see the night we brought Noah home from the hospital.  We were terrible parents. (I was.)  He never stopped crying and I was thinking we might want to send him back.  New parents are exhausted.  It takes a lot of hours, physical pain, little rest, and little sustenance to bring a baby forth.  Once that precious bundle is in your arms, it does not cease to demand.  I gave up, friends.  I'm not proud but on that night in question, I gave up.  I turned the bright light on right in Ryan's face, laid the baby on him, and I said: "Here is your son, do something with him."  And I promptly went to sleep.  

I see so many nights as I reflect and process my emotion.  One wild adventure of motherhood that had a clear beginning and now has a definitive end.  Oh, indeed my time with the title "Mother" continues, because someone will have to call a teenager off school tomorrow and do more laundry and try to make some food.  But the window has closed on the past.  The window that brings love to life and gives the night owls human company.

A beautiful season closed today.

I feel a sense of loss for what was.  How is it that far back in memory?

I feel anxiety for the limited time ahead.  Am I still a terrible parent, do they know what they need to know?

I feel intense joy for what has been mine.  "Can we do it all over again? One more of those disgusting slobber "sugar" kisses that only a mother loves?

I have a precious and chaotic life with one handsome husband who does battle for me, who stands alongside in the parental trenches, and who today called me beautiful in all my haggard post-op ugliness.  You can't put a price on that.

I have a precious and chaotic life with Noah Ryan and Aaron Michael, aged 14 and 12, respectively.  I remember much and I forget much about the days of our lives.  I do know that welcoming these two into my heart was so very easy and launching them will be the most difficult thing I will do.

"How very special are we, for just a moment to be, part of life's eternal rhyme....."

The Winds of February

February.  I welcome you.  For this January was the longest and darkest I have known in some time.

Not all seasons of this precious life are brimming with happiness, cheer and goodwill.  Not all seasons have laughter, banter, and blessing.  Some seasons require daily or hourly attention to the course in front of us.  Put your foot here.  Put your foot here.  Jesus, help me to keep doing this thing called life.  Give me strength.  Meet me here.  Jesus, I need you. This is my January season. So long it was.

What I can appreciate about these seasons of life....  What gives me hope...  The people who meet you where you are.  They bend down to your stooped level, they look in your eyes, though you are desperately trying to look elsewhere because you are ashamed, and they stay.  They agree that it's not looking so great in this place.  They  serve you when you cannot serve yourself.  They care for your heart when you have forgotten how. And unselfishly they stay.

I have had doctor appointments in the double digits for the past 8 weeks. My personal space has been violated repeatedly.  Just one blessed time I would prefer to keep my clothes on thank you very much and I would prefer not to be manhandled with instruments, hands, and knives.  I want all the people to stay three feet away from me for the next two weeks.  I understand health is important.  I understand the need to endure such times. But as I became a middle aged person all I could see was: "This is my future.  For the next years that God gives me, I'm never going to get to keep my clothes on."  Colonoscopies, mammograms, cancer screenings, blood work, stress tests, ultrasounds, physicals...   I'm currently over it and it's just going to be that way for awhile.(Thank you, Jesus, for my life, I do treasure it even though I am exhaustified.)

It's been so discouraging.  I've been really, really low, which is atypical of my nature. I have to encourage myself to get to work.  Maybe you can get a cookie..?  I have to encourage myself to get to church. Maybe you can get a coffee?

Such times come to each of us.  None of us are without trial.  I hope you have people that meet you in the Not So Great place.  I hope you have people that stay.  To be chosen during such a time speaks volumes. By their actions, someone says, "I know you cannot reciprocate but I am giving to you anyway."   It's such a powerful thing to serve the broken.  You will be immeasurably blessed to give without expectation to receive.  And, to the person who cannot give back, you will have changed the course of their day or possibly their life.

February we're glad to see you.  We're glad to know that no season is permanent this side of heaven.  We like for the good seasons to stay a long while and the low seasons to exit quickly, but there are no guarantees.  We lift our cup of tea in honor of the broken everywhere.  We lift our hearts in thanksgiving for those who choose to stay. 

Aging Up

Today I'm aging up. 

It is a particularly cold day in upstate.  Every January I question my purpose in being in this part of the country.  Why does it have to be so cold?  I never take a birthday off work.  I don't want to waste precious days so early in the year; it's just not right.  However, this year, I decided that I would take some time to invest in rest and peace. My plan did not actually come to fruition but, sometimes, a diverted path leads to blessing. Remember that, when you feel like you are not going in the direction you intend.  My life has been full as the result of many a diverted path.

My husband planned a lovely celebration for me which was a surprise and not quite such a humble gathering. Two days later I finally have the time to sort through the emotional wreckage and draw out some data.

1) I am not at all ungrateful for the love and effort on the part of so many to execute this plan.  I've been in your shoes; I know it takes work.

2) Plan to give some grace when you are throwing a surprise party.  You are placing A LOT of expectation on the receiver.  Like all your hopes, dreams, and money pinned to one outcome.  It is an overwhelming amount of pressure to receive well.  We don't all succeed in living up to the perfect reception. I've thrown many surprise gatherings, always with the intention to bless, but it never occurred to me to consider the pressure it places.  I really will be much more thoughtful about it in the future.

3) Givers generally don't receive well. We simply don't know how to do it. I am in a season of life where I only want to receive; I  am burned out in all areas of my life, yet I can't manage to rest and receive.

4) I am still extremely and almost-sick-to-my-stomach embarrassed that I could not handle the pressure. So many dear-to-me faces all staring and hopeful.  My mind couldn't comprehend what my eyes were seeing.  There is my Mom who should be in Georgia.  There is my Dad who should be in Florida. My brothers from Ohio. My Aunt and Uncle from New Jersey.   My friends who should be in Utah and Idaho.  I can't translate in such quick succession what it means that they are in a restaurant, hours after a January snow storm, two miles from my house.

If you don't yet know the answer.... 

It's love.

They have pinned all their hopes and dreams on me for love.  I am unable to sustain the weight of the money, time, and effort spent.  I don't know how to receive these gifts so generous and selfless.

I am reminded that it is a privilege to age.  Each milestone should be welcomed and I intend to live with that philosophy. But what makes it truly a privilege is the investment you make....

My husband said many wonderful things this morning while I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it and inquire on how my sanity appeared to the masses.   He said: "You deserve this and so much more. You pour your whole life into this family.   You gave a piece of yourself to every person in that room. I didn't have to try too hard to get people to come and you can see for yourself how far people were willing to go."

Gentle readers, it was a little bit like my own "George Bailey" moment. (There is no insinuation that I have saved any one's life.)

Gentle readers, know that it was difficult for me to receive well, but my heart (eyes) is overflowing. 

Gentle readers, if I can continue to push and push on this one issue....give yourself away.  Invest in other people.  Be passionate about connecting with others.  Pursue Jesus - the community you will find there lasts an eternity. 

My life is a privilege because of investment.  People have invested in me for forty years.  In turn, I learned how to output investment which generates other investors and brings us all together in one spot.

Jesus is the greatest investor.  He gave His life to save mine and calls me His own.  There is no greater security blanket from which to begin an investment company.  I encourage you to do the same.

I am grateful for every person who came to see me.  I am grateful for every person who was perhaps invited and unable to attend.  I am grateful for every person perhaps not invited because guest lists can only be so long, but who would have been willing to come.   It deeply warms my heart, it makes me lose every shred of my dignity in the corner of the restaurant, it gives me hope for every tomorrow.

I feel undeserving of such an outpouring.  Such humble thanks I give for the gift of love that cannot be demanded, bought or sold, only freely given.  May it give me renewed energy to forward the gift to others.