Week #982

A tough week for me.

A tough, tough week.

By the end, I was dragging myself to the finish line. Wait. Is there actually a finish line?

I haven't experienced this much insecurity in several years. It felt foreign. And familiar.

I questioned my motives, my priorities, my opinions, my ambition. I weighed my expectations as previously mentioned.

I longed for friendship. I longed for faith. I had a deep, deep longing for solace and comfort.

My spirit was/is broken.

I'm so broken.

In the midst of brokenness....

Ryan was on a business trip. We got 21 inches of snow. My independent streak is rusty but intact. I had a dinner date with my boys and we treated ourselves to double fudge Coca Cola cake. You never saw three forks move so fast in your whole life!

It was in these moments with my boys that I felt most at ease. They​ are both fairly discerning for their age group. They can converse well, understand deeper implications and naturally understand their mother's heart. Sometimes. Sometimes it's like I have mini adults in my home. I was so moved by their compassion, empathy, and true-to-male-fashion direct problem solving. I was given straightforward, sincere advice. And an extra bite of cake.

Who is raising these gems? Truly. I don't feel like I can take credit.

I'm still sifting through the shattered pieces; yet I am in awe that when I needed friendship, like lungs need air, I found it. In the hearts of my kids.

And it's another step in the cycle. A little foretaste of the years to come. But there is much to pass between now and then. I love the glimpses of hope. The little windows of time that capture moments to treasure.

I'm always going to remember this week. The snow. The cake. The heartbreak. The promise of the men I'm shaping.

And you know what? I think it might all be worth it.