A GIft Unwrapped

I wonder if you journal or periodically, reflect.

I find that it is a consistent pattern in my life that October and November always bring change.  I then wonder if fall makes me restless or if fall is a natural segue.

October
I was married 2004
I had child one 2005
I had child two 2007
Bought our first home 2008
Broke my first bone 2009
Ryan was deployed 2009
Ryan came home 2010

November
Left my longest held job (6 years) - 2002
First trip to upstate NY/Ryan relocated  2012
Left my second longest held job (5 years) 2017
Lost/left one of my favorite jobs in 2018

In just those few lines lays much of my life.  I can see heartache, joy, uncertainty.  Change.

I am finally wrapping up my pending journey this week.  I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful experience.  I created and found my space in the midst of a diverse, intelligent group of techies.  This would be the last place I would expect to fit.  Not only do I fit, I am loved.  I have been able to build a community and they are sad to see me go as I am sad to leave.  It truly makes a difference when you enjoy the work of your hands and you can make an impact and touch the life of another simply by coming to work.  I am so much smarter than a year ago - I finally understand the complex work that my husband is involved in.  I know what EUV is, what it does, and what it looks like.  Osmosis has been amazing - plasma, droplets, source, reticle, wafer stage ain't got nothing on me.  Technology has eluded me my entire life and I now believe it isn't impossible for me to take hold of it and use it.  I have gained so much confidence and it feels wonderful when people rely on you and implicitly trust that you can get the job done.  In almost every other role I have held, there is a limit to trust and there is not the freedom to be myself and use all the skills that I possess.   I have always felt caged, locked into a certain expectation and delivery that is someone else's idea of what it should look like. Here I was given free reign and my soul blossomed. 

What I take away from the dutch culture is directness.  Look someone in the eye and say exactly what you mean.  If you don't know what you're doing, say so.  We will get you the training you need.  If you believe you can take that action and lead the measure, do so.  We will expect you to deliver and leave you to it.  Americans are so much less direct, to our own detriment I would say.  We worry about offending, and we him and haw, and often that leads to miscommunication.  That being said, directness can take on a bit of a sour tone, because if they don't like what you are doing or have done, you will certainly know, even if there is an audience to hear it.  But.  When they pay you a compliment, it means tenfold because they do not waste words.  In my observation, they are very decisive people.  I have taken these lessons to heart and it has only been the better for me.

I have had the privilege of meeting people from all around the world.  People from many walks of life, countries and cultures have stopped by my desk and I have picked up the ability to understand heavy accents.  Heretofore, that was a bit of a struggle for me and it's never easy when you have to keep saying  "I'm sorry, what?"   (However, that dutch directness means you power through until you absolutely understand.  There is very limited (none) just smiling/nodding.)  

As I look to what is next and wind down the last couple days...  I'm super sad.  I'm super grateful.   Twelve months ago God gave me a gift at just the exact moment I needed it.   I'm a better employee and person because of it.

Thanks, colleagues and friends, you have made me so content and I have rested.

With a full heart I head into the next season.....

Theology

As a reflective writer, as a writer of personal narrative, I share my thoughts and feelings through this blog.  I do not write for personal attention nor do I write to please an audience.  Novels are written for an audience, but personal narratives are different..  I don't have to write to please others; I am not required to sugar-coat my feelings or beliefs.  You are welcome to read or pass by.  What I say here is mine to say.  What I share is mine to share.  You can read through my posts and see glimpses and pieces of my soul.  There is nothing more personal than that. 

If you come to know me personally, you will will know that I am extremely opinionated and share those opinions quite frequently. My opinions are not always popular and in this current world they will, and are, becoming even less so.

I love Jesus.  It is the kind of life changing faith that when gun to my head I should have the courage to say, "Yes, I believe in the eternal, living God" because my denial of that fact would be a far greater travesty than the loss of my physical life.

I am more and more sure that I am falling short, that my life now looks like everyone else's.  I wonder if you look at me would you see anything different?  I don't refer to attending church every Sunday; which in the capital district is not a common occurrence.  I refer to my values, to my words, to my commitments, to what I invest my time, to my actions.  Do I look like everyone else?  Do I sound like everyone else?  It should not be, and yet sometimes, I fear it is.  I sometimes lose my temper.  I sometimes need distance from people.  I sometimes say things I ought not.

In scripture it is clear that if you are following the teachings of Jesus Christ, you will probably not be popular.  The world does not understand the message; therefore it is difficult for them to understand the messenger.  More and more I see this is the case.

I want all my friends to join me in heaven, but I cannot by sheer force of will make them believe.  Only the God who sees their heart can open their eyes.  God is love.  Pure, big, open-armed love.  But He is also holy.  The is message that the world cannot understand: holiness and sin cannot co-exist.  There is sin.  And there is a Savior.  And when you give your sin to the Savior, the peace and freedom that forever will be yours.....is beyond price.  Our world is so sure that everything is okay.  Everything is truth. There are only a few wrong things like murder of an eight year old child because of course we can all be in agreement about that.  But your beliefs?  Yeah, whatever will be, is.  If you think its okay, then it is and thereby, we all will make it to heaven in our own strength if we just try to do "some good" to our neighbor.  We are not humble to consider our own faults.  We consider ourselves wise. And by that clear line, many will miss Jesus.  Friend, you must become small so that you can see how big is God.

Take some quiet moments to let the noise of the world fade.  Take some quiet moments to consider the reality of a Savior who loves you.  Take some time to ponder the deep, internal nature of your heart.  Be honest.  What's in there is not naturally good.  There is anger, bitterness, hate, greed, lust, and many other things.  Imagine the weight of those. Gone forever in the ocean of God's forgiveness and mercy.  Imagine freedom.  Imagine eternity, heaven, with Jesus and me. 

Theology is the biggest issue of your life.  Theology determines your destiny and it is likely one of the things you consider the least.    It certainly is not often talked about over a pizza.

What is your theology?  What will you do with Jesus?  It's an extremely important question for Thursday.

I am currently convicted that my theology does not alway rule my actions.  I pray that it would be so. May it ever be the center of my life and focus.  May God increase my love for those whom he loves.  May I see always see others with His eyes.  Full of compassion and mercy even when they despise me.  It's difficult to always love others, but it is the truest test.  I will be known by my love or lack thereof.