Parking Lot Couch

I learned something about myself. Or, rather, I finally admitted something.

I never feel more alone in this life than when I am in a sea of women.

I feel sad, awkward, and lonely.

I paid $30 to attend a women's conference at church.  As a team leader I felt like I needed to support the initiative.  Further, I felt like I should be trying to make some friends. Finally, I thought I might receive encouragement from God.

I stayed for 60 minutes.  Guess where I am? Sitting in my car in a random parking lot.  "Talk to your neighbor and be vulnerable about this first session" they said.

Nope. No. Seriously no.

That is not my bag.

I feel deeply. I embrace authenticity. But do not tell me to get "touchy feely" with a table of strange women. Even if they love Jesus.

I've tried the group of women thing many times, but the truth is, I don't acclimate.  I can't participate.  I have nothing remarkable to say.  I grow increasingly uncomfortable as this knowledge settles in my soul.  I'm a people person so it feels painful. I can firmly and pleasantly hold my own in just about any other social situation you would throw at me.

Because I like to diagnose everything, I'm trying to determine why I'm having such a strong reaction.  Does it really matter that I'm more a 1:3orless ratio person?  The answer is no.  If it makes me uncomfortable and unhappy, I should not feel as though I have to do it.

But guess what.  I do.  I feel it is outlined somewhere that good Christian ladies are required to gather and do these types of things. It appears that everyone is enjoying it. I look around and there is abandon and joy on each face, and it is all I can do to remain rooted in my spot and not dash for the door.  (Except this time I did. And I have loved Jesus since I was 7.)  I have a difficult time when I believe I fall outside expected guidelines; the ingrained pressure I feel to perform as expected in all things is an elephant on my chest. "Angela, I'm sure God wants you to attend this conference" and off I go, never mind that I have been dreading it for weeks.

Ladies (Christian and not) love to get together.  They love it.  I've witnessed it time and again. They pour wine, they talk, they complain, they celebrate, they love; and they are so very anxious to plan the next event.  They find themselves in a group and I lose myself.  Why am I an anomaly?  I want to want to do that, in any of the capacities I'm speaking of.  But if you watch closely....I'm sitting at the back or the edge, I'm quiet and reserved, I am uncomfortable. 

Right now. Today.  I am going to be okay with this. I will no longer put myself where I cannot thrive.  I love the people and if they love me they will understand.

I know that God understands.  Because the best part of my faith is that it is personal.  It's a close relationship with the creator of the stars.  My interaction isn't required to be corporate. I don't have to go to someone else in order to reach Him.  He is right here.  As close as my next breath.  And He rejoices over me - look for it - that is in the Bible.  Maybe He even whispered, "It's okay to run, Ang, you gave it a try, and I'm proud of you."

This is the kind of faith you can put stock in. You don't have to be showy. You don't have to earn it (thank goodness because I just fell short).  God is close.  He is so close, friends.  He comes to the groups and he comes to the one. He is cheering for you on this journey.  He longs to love and rejoice over you just as you are.  A struggle bus party of one who sits outside Price Chopper. 

It's a good takeaway as we head into the weekend....   And He isn't the only one.  I thrive in those small, intimate groups.  I'd be happy to sit with you in the parking lot and figure it out...