A Worthy Cause

All gave some.  Some gave all.

It's a great tune that talks about sacrifice, ultimately the sacrifice of one's life in benefit to a cause they consider greater, and worthy. 

I'm not certain that my heart was made strong enough for the role I consider most sacred.  It is a ginormous pile of mush.  Just a pile.  I can't do anything with it. I would try to be stoic and cold, the old, ice in-your-veins approach.  But mothering got me like. Emotional gamut.  

I am so in love with these sweet boys of mine.  I enjoy their company; they are very funny.  I want to appropriately listen to all the stories, while making dinner, while mentally checking off the "to-do" list, while thinking about what I forgot to do at work.  But I can't appropriately listen and do all those other things.  They know exactly when I'm not focused, and they take it personally, as they should.  They deserve full attention as I would give to any friend, colleague or boss that was needing to speak with me. More importantly, they need it more.  I'm so in tune with the "El Nino" winds of child rearing. It's changing so much, every day, every hour is picking up speed, and I feel it.  I feel it.

They, them, whoever, the predecessors of 'rents since the dawn of time...they don't tell you.  They don't tell you how it will be.  Like, for example, what it will be like when you have a baby.  They keep all those nasty details hidden.  I needed to know some stuff, peeps, and they, them held out on me.  "No, Dr. OBGYN, I do not have any questions.". Do you know why?  Because I don't know what I don't know.  And, I will tell you now that I would have preferred to know I was going to have to wear Mommy sized pull-ups for days to account for blood loss.  I mean. I feel someone should have told me because I had.no.idea. Mommy and me diapers. It's a thing. 

You know what else they don't tell you.  How difficult it will be to watch your child in pain.  We have had a lot of low points recently. Both of my sons have had a tough few weeks dealing with new situations that involve disappointment and loss.  I want to teach them coping strategies. I want to help them learn how to process emotion, how to work through disappointment.  But I feel like Paul in Romans...what I want to do, I'm not doing.  I am crying.  I am crying for your broken heart. I, too, feel broken. How does a broken person help another broken person?  Maybe all they learn from me is that crying is okay.  That taking some time to feel pain with others strengthens bonds.  That Mom's know the heart of a child.

My heart.  It's a pile of mush.  I have no way to make it strong.  But it beats with love.  A lot of love. For two sweet boys who will be gone too soon. The winds are picking up.  I'm focusing on the faces that I see before me as they ever rise above me.

I think they, them, whoever...  They don't tell everything because you just can't understand until you understand.  You can't know until you know.

Mom's give some. Mom's give all. We lay our lives down in service with full and happy hearts for the exchange in joy, satisfaction, and even pain, is a greater cause.  It is worthwhile.  You often hear that we hate it and we love it and we can't explain it.  It's all true.  It's hard to be needed all the time.  It's hard to find personal space. It's hard to not have guilt about finding some personal space.  It's hard to feel like you wasted a precious chance at Uno because of the personal space.

It's hard.  My body and soul feel like they were not made strong enough for the role.

Maybe that's okay.  Maybe it's okay.

Because maybe they see a lion where I see a broken lamb.

Joy Comes

My dear readers, it has been an unusual day.

This weekend has been so busy and full.  As I got up this morning, with a major NyQuil hangover, I prayed God to give me strength to make it to 1pm.  I just need to be strong until then and I will come home and crash in my bed.  The Lord was good to help me do just that.  I have rested today, large pieces of time in the darkness of dreams.

But before I made it to this haven of rest, at the end of a busy weekend, I encountered a few things that made me emotional.

As I have probably mentioned I lead a team of volunteers at church.  I am experiencing a long term shortage of volunteers which means I am working every Sunday.  This means I wear a name tag 6/7 days per week . I'm always "on." I'm always out there pushing and engaging.  I'm getting so worn down. I'm getting very tired. But can I share how many good things have come to me these past three months?

I pushed my team to participate in a 6k with me, to help build community with each other, and simultaneously help a good cause; we raised funds for digging wells in under privileged places.  I walked 4 miles with one of my volunteers and learned so much about her, her family, her life.  I soaked up all the words that she would share with me.  When we crossed the finish line, I felt so much more than fresh water realized.  Connection. Difference. Impact.  From one heart to another.

Today, another dear volunteer, asked if Ryan and I would have dinner with her and her boyfriend.  I have not had much opportunity to get to know her yet and was fairly surprised at her request.  Absolutely. Yes. Without hesitation or reservation.  She is looking for connection and she chose me.  I was taken aback.  I have been trying so hard to engage and involve my team.  To get them to create community, because when you feel community, you can give community.  Our role on the hospitality team means this is so vital.

Today I was also asked to bring two sweet elderly ladies to church.  I had to juggle a lot of things (ask someone to pick up Aaron from class, leave early, speed my way to the senior residence...) but so touching was it that they were so emotional about being able to attend.  They asked how college was going for me and proclaimed my youth and beauty...I'm delighted they were oblivious to my grey hair and middle aged Mommy wrinkles.  On and on they talked, in heavy accents, about their lives, and.. "Now did you tell me that school is going well and where did you say you come from?"  They want me to come in and meet their baby dogs and see their apartments but for now, mercy, they just aren't feeling so well.  I got hugs and kisses and maybe Bingo and I'll call you soon.

I cried tears on the way home.  It doesn't happen so often these days, but I cried from the joy of a full and wonderful weekend.

Readers. It's working.  I'm so tired.  But it's working.

After six long, long years, the life I have been trying to carve and create...it's coming to fruition.   God is graciously allowing me the opportunity to see places that I am making a positive difference.  As barely functioning as I was this morning,  I felt I am exactly in all the right places at the right time.  This is just where Jesus wants me to be.  In this state, in this city, in this job, in this church...  I don't often feel "the stars are aligned just so" but today I knew it to be true.  My sphere of influence is created.  I know what I am to do.

God gave me the joy of satisfaction and fulfillment.  The "Daughter, you are beloved and worthy, and this is who I have called you to be, this is the role you are meant to play for my kingdom. This is your time in this place and no one else can do what you can do. So shine your light before men..."

I have been waiting such a long, long time to be in this place.  Streams in the desert, indeed.

Our God is so faithful.  He always gives beauty for ashes.  He redeems pain and time and turns it to us again.

Joy comes...when you least expect it.