A Worthy Cause

All gave some.  Some gave all.

It's a great tune that talks about sacrifice, ultimately the sacrifice of one's life in benefit to a cause they consider greater, and worthy. 

I'm not certain that my heart was made strong enough for the role I consider most sacred.  It is a ginormous pile of mush.  Just a pile.  I can't do anything with it. I would try to be stoic and cold, the old, ice in-your-veins approach.  But mothering got me like. Emotional gamut.  

I am so in love with these sweet boys of mine.  I enjoy their company; they are very funny.  I want to appropriately listen to all the stories, while making dinner, while mentally checking off the "to-do" list, while thinking about what I forgot to do at work.  But I can't appropriately listen and do all those other things.  They know exactly when I'm not focused, and they take it personally, as they should.  They deserve full attention as I would give to any friend, colleague or boss that was needing to speak with me. More importantly, they need it more.  I'm so in tune with the "El Nino" winds of child rearing. It's changing so much, every day, every hour is picking up speed, and I feel it.  I feel it.

They, them, whoever, the predecessors of 'rents since the dawn of time...they don't tell you.  They don't tell you how it will be.  Like, for example, what it will be like when you have a baby.  They keep all those nasty details hidden.  I needed to know some stuff, peeps, and they, them held out on me.  "No, Dr. OBGYN, I do not have any questions.". Do you know why?  Because I don't know what I don't know.  And, I will tell you now that I would have preferred to know I was going to have to wear Mommy sized pull-ups for days to account for blood loss.  I mean. I feel someone should have told me because I had.no.idea. Mommy and me diapers. It's a thing. 

You know what else they don't tell you.  How difficult it will be to watch your child in pain.  We have had a lot of low points recently. Both of my sons have had a tough few weeks dealing with new situations that involve disappointment and loss.  I want to teach them coping strategies. I want to help them learn how to process emotion, how to work through disappointment.  But I feel like Paul in Romans...what I want to do, I'm not doing.  I am crying.  I am crying for your broken heart. I, too, feel broken. How does a broken person help another broken person?  Maybe all they learn from me is that crying is okay.  That taking some time to feel pain with others strengthens bonds.  That Mom's know the heart of a child.

My heart.  It's a pile of mush.  I have no way to make it strong.  But it beats with love.  A lot of love. For two sweet boys who will be gone too soon. The winds are picking up.  I'm focusing on the faces that I see before me as they ever rise above me.

I think they, them, whoever...  They don't tell everything because you just can't understand until you understand.  You can't know until you know.

Mom's give some. Mom's give all. We lay our lives down in service with full and happy hearts for the exchange in joy, satisfaction, and even pain, is a greater cause.  It is worthwhile.  You often hear that we hate it and we love it and we can't explain it.  It's all true.  It's hard to be needed all the time.  It's hard to find personal space. It's hard to not have guilt about finding some personal space.  It's hard to feel like you wasted a precious chance at Uno because of the personal space.

It's hard.  My body and soul feel like they were not made strong enough for the role.

Maybe that's okay.  Maybe it's okay.

Because maybe they see a lion where I see a broken lamb.