Sparks

I'd like to speak with eloquence today but I'm not certain it is possible.

I'm coming full circle in the rotation that showcases one of my greatest strengths is also the greatest weakness that leads to the slow bleed out of the body.

I am a firework.  Have I ever told you that?  God intends me for more than that, he built me to sustain and bear the burdens, but, alas, I am a firework.

My colors are bright and brilliant, oh yes, a  beautiful, passionate, ambitious burst of purple, green and blue explodes and shimmers in the night sky.  I burn white hot in pursuit of perfection. To be the fix you need at the right moment.  You need a gap filled, I will fill it.  I am always the right person for the job.  I will take charge and manage and solve and fix.  I will help you make connections.  I will work tirelessly to bring people together. I will singlehandedly solve world peace.  I have passion and zeal that I rarely see mirrored in others.

And I think that is a good thing. 

Because my strength is my greatest weakness.

June kicked my butt.  It took every ounce of strength and focus I had to give and left me crying and bleeding.  My life is pouring out of me as I speak.  My body is broken and exhausted, rather than sleeping my brain is going at 200% thinking of all the things that my body simply refuses to do in preparation for my incoming company.

Perhaps my spark is brilliant and beautiful, but it is flawed. 

It never met a middle ground that it understood. 

It must go one way or the other.  It sees only black and white.

Moderation. Grey. Tempered.  It cannot see through this lens.

I am really, really good at some things.  Some of these things bring me deep and abiding joy which should be a part of every life.  But a lesson this middle aged firecracker needs to learn is that sometimes it's okay to stay in the box or lay low.  Life can still be full and meaningful in the middle. Ground level fireworks are still hot. They still sputter and burn and glow. 

It's hard to repress that need to be in the sky.  To jump headfirst into the deep end.  To go all in every time.  Moderation seems equivalent to mediocrity and that is one word I hope no one utters at my funeral. 

I must learn though that it is far better to be mediocre than to fall short.  It is far better to spark a little than to race head over heels to the stars and then...nothing.

I want to be purple and green and blue.  I want to be the answer to the question you ask. I want to be the chunk that fits right into the hole of your life. I want....so many things. 

Right now.  I don't have the energy required to make the cup of coffee I'd like to taste.

Dud.