Grace Flows Down and Covers Me

It's Monday, isn't it?  

Can you just feel that it's Monday?

I can think of several things I should be doing, but, alas, I'm sitting at the keyboard, emptying my heart. Because indeed it is Monday and I feel heavy.

I've been burdened the last few weeks with the idea of "measuring up" to Jesus.  Do you know what I mean?  Have you been there?

I legitimately have been talking to myself all day about it.  Things like, "I can't believe you still cannot let that go" or "Why are you so opinionated?" or "Why do you think you know best?"  That last one, though, for real.  Ryan says, "That's why you're the boss because you always know the right thing to do."  He says that because I say that.  Drivers say that.  People with a "driving" personality - they think quickly, they know they are right, they plunge ahead with decisions and people usually follow.

But.  I don't think Jesus is like that.  I believe He has more compassion.  I believe He has more consideration.  He is humble. 

I don't know but I wonder if I run over people.  In my life.  Do I run people over without consideration?  I'm "in charge" in a variety of places and I have a lot of people that I lead in different capacities.  In some ways, I'm used to "giving orders" and I wonder if all these jobs stack up and lend itself to overbearing.  

I've really been struggling with the idea of following Christ for years and feeling like I'm nothing like Him.  I'm supposed to be like Him but I think I must not appear anything like Him to those around me. I feel weakness instead of strength.  I feel like I'm letting Him down.  I know that if anyone is watching me, and they are, they must be disappointed too.  I should be a better person than I am.

In all this mess, in all this sorting, I've been reading in my devotions about peace in God's presence.  About meeting Jesus face to face each day, how He delights in knowing me.

When I feel like the ugly black sheep in God's family....

This is what I hear....

Under my mercy come and wait
until we are standing face to face
I see no stain on you my child....

I have many, many flaws but I'm seen without stain because of Jesus.  He knows I'm hopeless, He knows I'm never going to get there, so He says I, Angela, am enough for you.  I am enough.  I paid your debt because I love you.  The best way to be like me is to know me, to spend time with me.  To find and feel my peace in this world full of trouble.

Today, especially, I feel so undeserving of such grace and mercy.