Take A Bullet

Good Morning from New York!

Quite possibly the corona capital of the US...or close to it. I'm sitting on the couch in a quiet house because I'm not making my teenagers get up yet and my husband is already "working" in his very quickly converted home office.  Do you know what?  Before Amazon stopped shipping all of the things we want, they made a fortune in home office equipment sales.  A fortune.

My life is changing this week and I have only complained to the people I love most, multiple times.  My anticipated frustrations are very likely coming to fruition and the reason I am frustrated is they could be (somewhat) avoided by leaders being leaders and getting the thing organized.  Friends, if you hold a leadership position, think long and hard about your delivery and your skills and when you find them lacking, fix it.  For the love, FIX IT.  I'm sorry to the people I love most.  The truth about me is I only need to vent when people aren't doing things right.  When everyone is doing things the way I want, it's all good.  I'm the boss because my way is right.  I am very successful at most of the things I do so take note, okay?  (Please to my new readers....read that in the context it's presented. It's half truth/ half jest/half exasperation.  Of course I'm not always right...there is about 2% give or take.)

To combat this....I'm going to share some of my story from our European tour.  Remember that?

Now. Now.  I am giving you the full chance and opportunity to opt out right now.  This has some details and tiddly bits that might make you uncomfortable.  This is for the ladies in the group, but read on, if you are so inclined.


I went to Europe in October.  I met Ryan there and we traveled through 5 countries and it was amazing.  I am so, so grateful I got to have that experience.  Again, for any new readers, I am not really equipped to be outside the borders of America. I hope I will do okay in heaven, but time will tell. (Please make it a teensy bit like America). Also I am not trying to be offensive, this is just my front line experience as reported by myself .

Do you know you have to pay to use the bathroom in Europe?! Like literally carry coinage, put it in a machine, get a ticket, and proceed to stall #3.  Never have I ever....  Reasons this doesn't work for me.  1)I never carry cash. Never. I would have to buy stock in Depends.  2) It is time consuming! Sometimes
you are desperate and you just so happen to be in line behind an American who can't get their life in order.  I suggest that Taco Bell stay stateside.   3) Going to the bathroom is a specific God given right.  If someone is charging, the money had better be going to the work of Jesus.

My very first time needing to use a toilet, (and incidentally they just put it right on the outside sign: TOILETS. No sugarcoating: RESTROOMS.) I was in Germany at Neuschweinsten castle.  Being at a tourist destination, the line was longish and we had men and women waiting. The separation between men and women toilets is very scarce.  I also am not on board with this.  Ryan didn't join so I was anxiously watching everyone in front of me.  How were they operating the coin machine? Did they push any buttons?  Is there any English on the machine?  The line stopped for awhile, then people ducked under the gates and proceeded to the stalls. Me and one other guy remained and in came a large, loud German man.  I am sweating bullets because I really need to use the restroom.  Apparently the machine is broken and he is here to save the day; he is not allowing the two poor souls in line to get a freebie.  He seems to fix it up and the guy in front of me puts his money in, and pushes the button, just like everyone before him.  He proceeds.  I do exactly the same thing, desperate to get behind a closed door.

He yells. "NEIN. NEIN. NEIN."

My face is literally the sheepish emoji with the teeth.  Uhhh....

He bangs the machine.  Speaks in German

Sheepish emoji.

Speaks in German and waves arms.

I believe I figured it out. The button was the rejected coin dispenser.  Like for PacMan.

I am still trying to determine if he was angry because I was technologically challenged or because I was arrogantly daring to use a bathroom stall for free.

Literally every person in front of me did that.  I was merely following suit.  Now....what was I saying about leadership....  Hum.  I guess there are more people than just myself who don't know how to pay to use the potty.

I recently had surgery and this surgery was a direct result of my European tour.  And this is the part for the ladies....  Seriously, you can't be angry with me if you choose to continue...

You can imagine that of course I would get my period on my dream European vacation.  If I were like most people who breeze right through it, fine.  But alas, there is no breezing.  Picture you are driving through Europe in a rented car, with limited supplies of underwear and clothes, you pretty much have no idea where you are going, and you are the passenger (the passenger cannot always express the direness adequately.) You don't know where the rest stops are, everything is in a different language, you are constantly being rerouted for construction, and you brought no protection with you.  I mean...for the love.

I was so stressed out, certain I'd be scrubbing seats...with what, I can be certain. Kleenex and spit? We looked for a place to stop.  I didn't want to waste time at the wrong stops, but we had no choice.  I didn't want to get out of the car... I was sure it was too late.  I'm tearing up.  And there was nothing at the store.  We proceed a few miles farther, which if we found nothing, meant we had to go twenty miles back to the freeway and my life was over.

I'd like to interject that my husband is my favorite.  He handled me like a champ. All the way through Europe and he never complained.  It was a very unfortunate complication that could have ruined the trip but he was so.very.understanding.and.patient.  Triple gold star.

God in his divine Providence provided at the next stop. Ladies, I couldn't understand what was in my hands.  60 tampons in this tiny box?! Extra absorbent, no less? What was this madness?

We made it to the hotel, I rush to the bathroom,  I open the box, and out pops a bullet.

Legit.

I audibly speak my thoughts.

 Ryan asks if everything is okay.

"Uhh...I guess. Actually I'm not sure. I'm forty years old and about to learn a new old process. I have an extra absorbent bullet in my hand.  I will have to read the directions."   5 months later my mind is still blown.

Ladies, it's very difficult to unwrap the plastic around said bullet.  I wasted a few of the precious at a couple rest stops in Switzerland because those suckers slipped right out of my hands.  I was not retrieving them....cool runnings, man. (You'll know what that means if you've seen the movie. Watch it during isolation.)

You have to twist and turn it to expand the product and then no applicator.  It starts to look a little less like a bullet but all I can say is the manufacturers must not understand what it is to be traipsing through Europe with a heavy cycle, using paid stressful toilets, where you don't have a lot of time, and where all the goods and services are public and...no applicators.


"Oh hello, good sir, don't mind me.  Just slipping right over here to the sink to wash my hands.  No, no one was murdered today.  Yet."

Oh. My. Word.

I took my trusty $45 duffel bag to Europe.  I bought it at Walmart in 2011 before I went to Singapore.  It's been all over, it's a trusted good friend.  Take that, all you expensive luggage brands.  It was just canvas over a frame, very simple.  As I started to pack for the trip home, I realized my box of bullets wasn't going to fit. I emptied the box into the bag and stuffed the extra gifts and things in. Upon check in I noticed the bag had a somewhat large hole near the handle.  You could look right inside the bag. I mentioned it to the lady, and all she would do is make me sign s paper stating the airline didn't make the hole.  No tape? Really? In 2019?

I looked at Ryan.

I said: "I love this bag.  He's been a great traveling companion, he got me on the bus in Malaysia, he got me to Salt Lake City,  but I am fully prepared to leave him and all my worldly goods behind in Chicago.  Because if he comes down the belt spraying bullets, I am not playing 52 pickup. I repeat, that's a hard no. Do we have an accord?"

We clasped hands and walked to security.  Laughing the entire way.  We are meant for each other.

This is how I know that I will make it through this pandemic and this life.  I have a great companion. His name is Ryan.