Ground Zero - New York

Gentle Readers....

Many are worried about the start of school, COVID, the election. These things are barely on my radar. School will technically start next week for my children, for two point five weeks and then we will move to a hotel in the south of France. Errrr...I mean the middle of hot, dusty, windy, brown, Texas.  If it sounds like I was unimpressed with my new digs....it's because I was. I am.  But. I also did not like Utah in the slightest when I arrived; although, at least it had a beautiful mountain range to spice it up. 

Don't worry. I will settle in. I will. I always allow myself the full rights and privileges of one mourning and grieving and it always involves some disdain.  Texas did not win my heart in the four days I was there, nor did I expect that it would. The internet was enough to tell me that it would not fulfill my environmental desires.   

I am stuck in limbo, neither living nor dead.  My days are long, and wonderfully, then painfully, then wonderfully, boring.  Moving is like dying and if you don't agree, then you have never closely encountered either one.  There is an almost imperceptible line that is crossed as you near the end. Persons with a terminal illness, who have been preparing, cross that line. The living watch and mourn and inch by inch distance is created from within the circle. The person leaving is accepting, understanding, and emotionally detaching from the life that was lived. Persons leaving one life, moving, cross that same invisible line in the sand. 

I knew it was coming. I was preparing. I've been prepared; but, nonetheless, it is hitting me quite painfully.  I have removed myself from all my obligations and the life around me continues without me in it. There is a bubble created from within the circle. I look out the windows toward my now old life and give a melancholy wave.  My life has already said its beautiful goodbye and these things can really only be dragged out so long. 

Limbo. 

Painfully alone. 

Painfully uncertain. 

It was always coming. I told people and they did not believe. "Oh, we'll do stuff. We'll make plans. We have plenty of time. We will stay in touch."

I have done this enough to understand the process.   

The bubble has been created. The line has been crossed. 

And so I wait to wake up to my new life.

What will it look like? I can't be certain. But I think it is going to be harder than I imagined it would be. 

Help me, Jesus, help me write the next chapters well.