Jumbled Thoughts

Gentle readers.... 

I am always waiting for the perfect time to write my thoughts, and, frankly, there really isn't a perfect time. It's like waiting to have babies or waiting for the job you 100% want.  There is no good time for any of that, you just take the plunge.

 I only wrote one time in December which is maybe the least amount of writing I have done in quite some time.  There might be some lack of content, but mostly it is a feeling of limbo.  Neither here nor there, neither quite settled or unsettled.  It is hardest to express my thoughts and so I wait with expectation for some revelation to strike which will crack open the vault.

No revelation. No brilliant clarity.

But a pile of jumbled thoughts I have so in no particular order....

I'm not so sure about the job I'm doing. It stresses me out every day and it doesn't feel worth it.  I don't know what to do about it. 

I have been walking each day for some exercise and I so enjoy our new neighborhood - the Christmas decorations are unrivaled for any place I've lived.

It poured rain today and several storms with lightening and thunder came through. I loved every minute. You can't ever be lazy here because it is temperate and sunny every day; you feel guilty. It's probably going to be like this in heaven. 

My son has made his way back to me and now he is almost a man. Your kids leave you for a few years, locked in teenage separation, and then they come back and you realize it's almost time for them to leave the nest. He grew up while he was lost and is he ready and have I been successful? Three years is a vapor.... It feels a little like permanent loss. 

There are no friends in limbo, that continues to be a struggle for me. You can't rush it, there is no rushing it. The kindred spirits take their time, but eventually they come.  

I finally changed my google map setting for home this week. I'm tired of typing in the entire address when I want to find my way.  It felt like betrayal. All my starred places are now thousands of miles away. 

Someone that I love is dying. Right now. These are the final days. He will be letting go of this world and taking hold of the next.  This person taught me about chickadees and held my hand on many hikes. This person carried me on his shoulders more than once and always around the last bend of Monroe Falls. I love to hear him say my name. One day I will hear it again.  

I'm hardwired for my people. In all my thoughts...this is what lingers...  

Love. My people. Full and grateful heart.