Cherished

Gentle readers....

Most writers are not short winded and I am not an exception to that rule.  I am coaching myself on trying to quell the tidal wave of words that pour out, but meeting with limited success at this time. When I am able to rein it in, I allow myself a Reese cup. Although I would really like a sweet snack, today is not that day.

I have ever so many thoughts rolling around and I have to be honest, I have had very little rest the last few weeks. My family dynamic is significantly and rapidly changing in these recent weeks; one can imagine their whole parenting journey what it will be like when the end comes, but, it is simply not possible to understand in advance the complexity of emotion that lies within a mother's scope.  

Once upon a time, when my blue eyes had seen much less of the world and I lived in a place far away from where I'm sitting, I birthed a heavy baby son.  In fact, those words were the first I spoke when he was placed in my arms.  It was possibly due to the fact I had to wrestle my legs to my neck for two hours to facilitate his arrival; nonetheless, he was over eight pounds of heavy softness in my aching arms and all the mothering days I have spent with him and his little brother have been my dearest joy. 

Both of my sons are working and taking on other responsibilities now; often, it might be a day or two between physical sightings despite that they still rest their heads at night just down the hall from me.   Still on the first day of the 10th and 12th grades, they each came to see their mama, separately, to talk about their day. It is so near to the end, yet for just a few more minute of this life, their heart looks for rest with me. It is almost too holy and fleeting and beautiful to desecrate with words.   

So much of the next years are the letting go of a wonderful life. Simply put, it is painful. It is a very painful transition in the life of most mothers, but it is perhaps a little harder with sons because you really do lose them for good.  They will go off with their friends, and then their wives, and that will be that. (Daughters tend to stick close to their own families)  In my case, even more worrisome is the fact that I took them all over this great country so who knows where they will settle. It likely will not be near to me, dear ones, and I am preparing for that reality. 

My sons are tall (They've sprouted up some more so they aren't as irritated with me; it's tough to have a dad that's 6 1/2 ft tall and a mom who is only 5 ft.) with wavy, lived-in blonde hair, and blue eyes.  They are both tender hearted and have a good humor. Given the chance one might retreat to privacy and the other would go with the crowd, but both can handle themselves in a tight spot.  I have such pride and joy in who they are, but understand that life will continue to change them. I pray daily they will invite One along for the journey ahead. 

It's been a long and quick blip in time; a deeply, deeply cherished life.   

Rest your head close to my heart...very, very soon to part.....sweet baby of mine.... 

Thank you, Jesus, for loaning these two sweet souls to me.  Give me strength to see the journey through, tissues to ease the transition, and establish a place I can invest my heart for the next phase. 

Staying the Course

 Gentle readers...

I have been reflecting on this title for several days. It is the summarized platitude of perseverance, and when we hear it, we feel inclined to continue with a spirit of forbearance.

Sometimes, though, it doesn't feel like we can continue.  Sometimes we are at the end of our strength.  

I have been here for weeks. Camped out at the end of my capability.  I am fully in all my human emotions and reaching out for the strength that only God gives. The strength it requires to love our enemies.  Is there anything more ludicrous to the human heart than the call to love our enemies? It's not feasible, certainly not desirable, and yet, it is the single thing that sets those whom God calls His own apart from the others.  No one else but God would demand we love and forgive, continuously, as He does.  Oh, dear readers, I long to be like Jesus, I long to be welcomed home by Him one day, but it is on this matter that I'm certain I am incredibly lacking.  

How does one love someone who spreads words that are not true, someone whose sole desire is to build themselves up at the cost of others? 

I want nothing more than vindication. I want to prove who this person truly is and what this person is doing to myself and others. 

I don't get to call the shots on that one though.  Scripture is clear that anyone can love the lovable and there is little reward there.  It is the unlovable we are called to pray for and for those hands we must reach. 

I can't tell you how that is done, honestly, because it is not in my own strength. I do not know how to stay the course and love in this situation.  I would very much like to throw in the towel and retire to Tennessee immediately.  But what I do know - God hears the prayers of this worn out child.  The best course of action is prayer. I can't humanly love that person, nor can I change the situation; however, God's power can change me and my heart. 

For weeks this has been a daily plea, "Please, God, help me do this. Help me do what is right. Help me see this person and my surroundings through Your eyes. Help me." Ten minutes later, the blood is raging in my veins and deep anger and resentment seeps out to cloak the Texas midday sun.   You know why? It feels good. It feels good to know that I am owed something.  I have been wronged and I have a right to any and all feelings associated with retribution and disdain. Have you ever been there, dear reader? Have you ever held onto something so tightly because you deserve it? I'm sure you have. It's so easy and it's so human.

In reflection I see that this path started with an "I can't" love this person or deal with this situation....and it is now..."I don't want" which signifies a problem with my heart.  The good news here....I know the Mender of broken and bitter pieces and so together we are going about the business of resolution. The battle for submission has been fierce and I won't say it is entirely over, but I had a moment today, a moment that took me back to 1997, Mr. Ken Chapman, and these verses.

"But I trust in the Lord Jesus to send Timotheus shortly unto you, that I also may be of good comfort, when I know your state. For I have no man like-minded, who will naturally care for your state. For all seek their own, not the things which are Jesus Christ's. But ye know the proof of him, that, as a son with the father, he hath served with me in the gospel. Him therefore I hope to send presently..."

It felt like a quick, physical blow, tears came to my eyes, and for a moment I had the eyes of the Father.  I could see this one troublesome person, and these surroundings that bind me so tightly, and hear these words..."In a sea of people, I have no one like-minded that is going to care. I love this person and the others around him and around you. This isn't about what is happening to you, this is about them. You are strategically called and placed...to care and shine. (and you're killing me Smalls..or something like that.)"

One thing that I can attest to over and over in my life is this: God changes hearts, mine in specific. I can't do the hard things like love and forgive in my own strength but He gives me His. He lends me the privilege of His worldview from time to time.

May His kingdom be what wakes me up and lays me down for the time I am here.