Most writers are not short winded and I am not an exception to that rule. I am coaching myself on trying to quell the tidal wave of words that pour out, but meeting with limited success at this time. When I am able to rein it in, I allow myself a Reese cup. Although I would really like a sweet snack, today is not that day.
I have ever so many thoughts rolling around and I have to be honest, I have had very little rest the last few weeks. My family dynamic is significantly and rapidly changing in these recent weeks; one can imagine their whole parenting journey what it will be like when the end comes, but, it is simply not possible to understand in advance the complexity of emotion that lies within a mother's scope.
Once upon a time, when my blue eyes had seen much less of the world and I lived in a place far away from where I'm sitting, I birthed a heavy baby son. In fact, those words were the first I spoke when he was placed in my arms. It was possibly due to the fact I had to wrestle my legs to my neck for two hours to facilitate his arrival; nonetheless, he was over eight pounds of heavy softness in my aching arms and all the mothering days I have spent with him and his little brother have been my dearest joy.
Both of my sons are working and taking on other responsibilities now; often, it might be a day or two between physical sightings despite that they still rest their heads at night just down the hall from me. Still on the first day of the 10th and 12th grades, they each came to see their mama, separately, to talk about their day. It is so near to the end, yet for just a few more minute of this life, their heart looks for rest with me. It is almost too holy and fleeting and beautiful to desecrate with words.
So much of the next years are the letting go of a wonderful life. Simply put, it is painful. It is a very painful transition in the life of most mothers, but it is perhaps a little harder with sons because you really do lose them for good. They will go off with their friends, and then their wives, and that will be that. (Daughters tend to stick close to their own families) In my case, even more worrisome is the fact that I took them all over this great country so who knows where they will settle. It likely will not be near to me, dear ones, and I am preparing for that reality.
My sons are tall (They've sprouted up some more so they aren't as irritated with me; it's tough to have a dad that's 6 1/2 ft tall and a mom who is only 5 ft.) with wavy, lived-in blonde hair, and blue eyes. They are both tender hearted and have a good humor. Given the chance one might retreat to privacy and the other would go with the crowd, but both can handle themselves in a tight spot. I have such pride and joy in who they are, but understand that life will continue to change them. I pray daily they will invite One along for the journey ahead.
It's been a long and quick blip in time; a deeply, deeply cherished life.
Rest your head close to my heart...very, very soon to part.....sweet baby of mine....
Thank you, Jesus, for loaning these two sweet souls to me. Give me strength to see the journey through, tissues to ease the transition, and establish a place I can invest my heart for the next phase.
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