Winter Is Not Forever

It's a cold Thursday in February.  Winter has been forever this year.  Would you agree?  I think it feels this way because it's been wintry in my life, winds blowing through the pieces of my life and scattering all my best laid plans.

These are my best laid plans: love God, love others, and eat.

It's pretty simple really, and just like no one person can manage to follow just ten basic commandments down to the letter, I can't manage these plans.

In recent weeks my ability to cope with others was at an all time low.  Summed up in few words: if you can't get your act together, I can't help you.  I was razor thin on patience and hog fat on judgment.  I'm not proud of that.

Adding to that....  I was hiding from church. I didn't want to go.  I didn't want to visit with people. I didn't want to concentrate and sit through a service.  Summed up in few words: because I am feeling confusing feelings, I can't worship.  I'm not proud of that either.

As you most certainly must know, I am from the Midwest.  America's heartland.  Apple pie flows like honey and chicken is best served fried.  My people do food; everything comes together with, and through, food.  Eating is truly one of life's joys and I embrace that sentiment.  I am completely unmotivated to craft a meal.  Can we just eat cereal and eggs? Every day?

It's winter, and while my joy is returning, I find myself aimless.  Many uncertainties cloud the future and I am not quite sure which direction my feet will go.  I don't live in the world that is colored in gray, only in black or white does it make sense. When the path in front of me seems to diverge, I get nervous.

I'm centering.  I'm starting slow.

One foot in front of the other.

Spending time in God's word.

A favorite passage:

"And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore into the mountains and broke the rocks in pieces before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice."

A still small voice.  Reminds me that faith gets shaken. Trials will be ever present. Friends will forsake.  My only sure foundation, the only place I can find fulfillment and certainty is in a nail pierced hand that continuously stretches toward mine. 

Oh how He loves you and me. In still, small ways.  Such as when my son made me dinner tonight.  What a treat to not have to craft a  meal after a very long day at work.  It's okay with me that it was eggs because I offered eggs for every day. 

In still, small ways I am collecting my plans, thoughts, and directions.  I am remembering that God's plans supercede my own always.  I will not be frightened because many blessings have come to me in this way. 

I am realigning and will embrace the current state of single parenthood that stretches before me.  It is not new, but an old path.  One that starts to fit like a glove. An exhausting, demanding glove.

Winter is not forever.  Summer lasts also but a season, and so it will pass from one to the next before I know it.  I will change with it and see what new horizons dawn.