I am bumbling my way through change, one day at a time, as you well know. Today I couldn't help but remember at last year's Christmas party, Austin came up in conversation and 3/5 people (plus their families) at that table now live here. I couldn't have imagined then where I would now be.
My constant struggle is feeling safe, secure and home. Literally every hour still feels full of stress and claustrophobia. I am not comfortable in my house, in my car, or anywhere I go. I don't remember feeling quite this much trouble last time. I didn't like it, but I don't remember feeling like I couldn't get rest. Unfortunately, I wasn't blogging then so I can't check.
Tonight, I decided I would try out my new-to-me bathtub. After I worked all day followed by more cleaning and organization, I felt I deserved a few minutes to be a girl.
Let me preface the rest of this story and/or posting by saying this: I am merely expressing my feelings and experiences. I fully understand that I am experiencing blessings, but I'm a bit at a loss for some of it.
For example, the bathtub.
I figured out how to get the plug working, got the water going; I prepared restful music, I stacked up some towels for drying and added a few for the luxury of pillowing my head against the surround. It's pretty exciting. A tub with surround for candles, perfume, flowers, whatever all the girls want these days. I realized one must be careful when stepping into the full tub, it's actually pretty slippery (I don't remember this part from Pretty Woman... just saying) and I have PTSD from falling down the basement stairs earlier this year. My shoulder/arm still doesn't work right. Tubs might not be for senior citizens.... I'll keep that in mind.
The water is perfect for Goldilocks, not too hot and not too cold. I get all settled and lay back. Halfway down I realize Houston has a problem. I'm not going to make it because my legs are already going up in the air. I hit the porcelain and slide right down the side and float in the water. Hum. This isn't how it looks in the movies for sure. I have to kick my legs to get back up to a sitting position. Let's try it again. Take two. I slide further back so I'm closer to the back edge. The shower is right behind me so I feel I can leverage it a bit if I can reach the glass and hold myself in the water. I stretch out my "bad" arm over my head and fwoomp...hit the porcelain, slide down and float. I literally cannot keep my body on the floor of the tub without pushing up the water with my hands like you would in a pool. Am I treading water in my bathtub? Is that....ermm.... becoming? I mean I don't see it in the movies. Did Julia Roberts have an issue like this? I can't turn on the relaxing music because I can't tough my phone now that I'm completely drenched and not just leisurely damp. I could probably swim around a bit but that defeats the purpose of relaxing my nerves. Sigh. It's not in the cards today. I'm going to need to apply an apparatus to the tub so I can ground myself with my feet. You know. Like all beautiful, poised adult starlets. For the love.
I'm not sure I'm cut out for some of this. I'm kind of a simple person. You know hobbits, good earth and growing things, good food, good friends, a small life. My Texas life does not feel small; I don't think it's going to be small.
I'm standing on the edge, so timid to go farther, so afraid of a big life. I don't know how to embrace it; I stand in Lowe's and cry for the comfort of my old home that already has the perfect colors of my life. I can't even visualize what paints this new season.
Change is so hard. Being brave is so hard. A new life is so hard.
One day at a time. One more cannon ball into the bathtub. Humor finds its way through the tears.
A phone call came today. A voice on the other end of the line telling me that I am loved. Someone cheering me on from the sidelines. Oh, dear one, you know who you are. Your voice touched all the wounded places in my heart.
Remember encouragement, friends. Remember the ones drowning in the bathtub. We are not okay. Among other things, we need stilts, Snickers (no, wait, Butterfingers, because no one else in this house likes those), and a word from you.
We need help to launch. We can't do it alone.
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