1) Underestimating the time it would take to process the shifting of the plates of my life.
2) Getting a new job so quickly.
I have been winging each day, continuing to hope that the horizon of happiness is coming closer to me. It would seem this is not the proper way for mental health. I have put myself smack in the middle of a full blown life without allowing for my two faithful companions to first fulfill their roles. These two follow me all the days of my life; grief and joy.
I am struggling in no small way to push forward. I believe I have cried every single day this week. The worst part is that the tears are always just behind my eyes. I feel like I will cry at any moment. And then I do. And then I'm mad about it.
Grief, my old friend, I recognize your creased face. Etched lines; pain filled eyes; small, sad mouth; your face is as familiar as my own. Come, old friend, I think you know the way. Down the hall and maybe to the right....here we go, here is the room we want. The hippocampus. Look in there, isn't it something? Look at all those memories. Pathways upon pathways, mixed, jumbled, severed, dangling, and growing. You know the places you have been prominent. It still smarts. You can see the memory, dark and then splintered gray. Without you, friend, this room might be brighter, but it would not be richer. Your part in this journey is so significant. It hurts when you are here, but you define and shape me. You develop compassion and empathy within me, right in this room. Sometimes, like now, I need to sit with you and feel loss, fear, unhappiness, anxiety. I need to hold your hand and feel it. I need to know, outside this room, that it's okay to do just that. I need to invite you to come and visit for awhile each day.
Right now, we're going to drive to 6 Temple Hills. Doesn't the roof look great? Can you believe you did that? (Nope.) Weren't those boys so small as they ran off the school bus? (So very small and precious. Why is it over?) Wasn't it amazing that you welcomed friends through that door? (Yes, it was God appointed.)
Wait, are we heading toward Orem? Those are some pretty swell rocks up that canyon. (Bittersweet. I can't take that one tonight.) Look at that adorable and quirky house. (It was so strange and wonderful.) Grief, you have been here in many capacities; yet... Hello, Joy. There you are. It took me awhile to find you, but here you are. Your face is content; eyes, soft; lips, parted in a smile. Already I feel the shift in the atmosphere, I feel calm. You color the gray memories with peace. You always visit us eventually.
It's a long journey through this room, this life. I'm not as young as once I was. I am more set in my ways than the last times I traveled this road; the experience is different. I really feel I probably can't do it again. Tennessee might now forever remain a dream in my heart.
Grief must remain with me until I am spent of it. I hope I'll see Joy soon. I hope the horizon comes to meet me.
I hope I can do this.
I hope.
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