I experienced feelings of "being sick for home," in ways I have not felt in years. True to the nature of being desperate for home, our flight was delayed and hope deferred was bitter. All I wanted was to be in my house, with my cat, eating mexican food, and watching something I enjoy. I wanted a shower in my bathroom with my soap and shampoo, something new to wear that was not in my suitcase. I wanted to have the fan blowing me while I was under a soft blanket and I wanted, rest. Quiet, calm, uninterrupted rest, for my body and soul. I did make it home, later than anticipated, and some of the things I wanted, I got. And I was very grateful.
It was a lovely trip; we spent a good amount of time in central Ohio which is where our family started. We took our kids to our favorite Mexican restaurant - Senor Antonio's. Noah was gumming tortilla chips there when he was barely sitting up and able to chew. We had to tip extra for the amount of food that landed on the floor, but the servers LOVED him; because, no baby has had a bigger, beautiful, more welcome smile for everyone than sweet baby Noah. We went to the zoo for the first time in over a decade and it was my favorite day of the trip. We saw some interesting things as always present in nature, such as a giraffe drinking the urine of another giraffe which was not our favorite thing to witness. We walked a lot. We pointed and said, "Awww." We laughed. We paid $27 for soda and souvenir bottles. Every kid left with an overpriced toy from the gift shop. It was a rare foursome moment and likely one of the last of its kind. For we aptly determined while we were there that the zoo is for strollers, babies and toddlers and there were 1.2 million of those; the teens were not equipped to deal. I ate up every last minute of this four hour tour in which all four people agreed to the same outing, and enjoyed - an incredibly rare feat.
I think this trip to the place of our founding is also one of the last, or is the last, of its kind. My son is going to start driving this week. He will get a job and his life will start to drift from mine. It will become less of a foursome and more of a threesome.
It made the time with family, beautiful, and achingly melancholy. We haven't had a trip like this since we lived in Utah and had to make the journey by plane. We hugged grandparents for quite possibly the last time and we boated through a thunderstorm with siblings and cousins. We celebrated a wedding and ruminated on a funeral. We told stories and drove miles in a legit minivan. In the end we said, "goodbye" and made our way home.
On this July day, my thoughts consider the past and the future, and the future seems so close and full of change. Memories of the past feel like they are slipping through my fingers like rain. Death feels closer than ever before. Goodbye feels more permanent in my vocabulary.
And yet....it is middle age and there is much ahead. A lot of change, but a lot of good. One thing I learned on this trip, my kids are definitely marked by this late childhood relocation, but they are still adaptable. It is one of the things I take great pride in - the independence and adaptability of my children. Their childhood of transience has not been easy and I personally would have hated it if mine were like that, but it has shaped them for an easier transition to adulthood I think. They might not love what is going on around them but they can, for the most part, rise to the occasion.
I'm proud of these guys. I'm proud that we lived through a twelve day trip and in the end we still like each other.
I consider motherhood with great joy and ponder anew what would my life have been if it looked another way...?
God knows the past and He knows my future and He holds in all in perfect and holy hands.
I can trust that.
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