Maybe You Wander

It's September...  

In this hot, oppressive Texas heat, I cannot feel a change in the weather.  Fall is not on its way, not for many months, if last year is any indication of how this one will play out.  I have to reprogram my thinking as it relates to the weather, and as it has related to a great many things in this year of our lord 2021.

I have written much less than I would desire, but the days tripped over each other with nothing very poignant to express and a general feeling of emptiness persisted.   As August ends and the days only get hotter, which frankly I cannot begin to understand, I have some thoughts threading through my heart.

1.  It is good to be lost, to question, and be uncertain.  This is a good and necessary place to find yourself periodically or routinely.  It is only when you are lost that you get to the heavy lifting of identity.  By identity I do not mean gender, please don't confuse that.  Identity is who you are with Christ, or without Christ, it is your core values, morals, and compass. 
2. Difficulty is established by the person feeling it, not the person observing it; and, perception shapes our feelings and response.  Someone might be witnessing a scene and believe there to be no difficulty experienced, but the person involved in the scene might be mired deep.  Perception largely guides our actions and feelings and it is not always a trusted ally.
3. It is quite painful and intimidating to have preceding generations leave you behind.  
4. Being with like-minded people, especially the community of faith, is one of the most essential things in which you can partake and for which you should prioritize.  It's like air and I have been gasping for 12 long months....
5. Eventually, the night ends.

There have been many days in which I wrestled with each of these thoughts; some days, more than one.  I would say that while I was desperate for understanding and wisdom; I wandered from faith.  No, I did not fully abandon my first love but I certainly was distant.  It is so terribly difficult to find yourself without a church home.  Sometimes staying home was easier than going and finding it again wasn't the right place.  I support the church online but it is just not the same, friends, it is not, and I would be willing to submit my position to debate.

This is a verse I recently read:

And the Lord said, “I will wait until you return."

And there it was.  Straight to my gasping, dying, dried of tears heart.  

Angela, I have been waiting for you.  You are floundering because you are starting to wander.

Angela, I am waiting.  I'm always waiting.  

Therein, I settled the decision in my heart and have started to put some roots down in a church.  I'm signed up for a weekly study, which I'm already sweating bullets about because I just can't do the ladies studies, ya know?  It's hard for me.  But here I go anyway because putting roots down is important and I have waited too long to begin.  

I have really struggled with the death of my grandfather in June.  His loss has left an oversized hole in my life; I could not have fully understood in advance the current of feelings that would unravel.  I now know that I am only one generation away from being "it."  There is only one buffer between me and being the one source of earthly wisdom, strength and godly character for the ones coming behind me.  

See thought #1, #2 and #4 and the supporting paragraphs.  Yeah...it's going to go real well, right?

Being prepared to lose one's parents and aunties/uncles is an entirely new reality and this just cements that this a pending action in my future.  That one buffer might remain for years or be gone in an instant and it has been very sobering indeed.  The truth is I don't feel ready.  I feel lonely already, does it even make sense?  Probably not, but I feel the gap is widening between me and them and I have lots of work to do to be ready, to be responsible and worthy.  

I then consider some things.....

I put a roof on my house.  This task is as recent as a year and I already cannot believe I did that.  I recently had the roof replaced in this Texas house and already I felt like I could pass some judgment.  "Good sir, I know you do this for cash, for pay, for a job, but I do it for the mere satisfaction of a job well done and I think I could pass along this roofing tip to you and your life will be immeasurably the better for it."  This thought goes as quickly as it comes and I am instantly grateful I am not on the roof of this house because it is the hardest work you might ever do.  Seriously.  

I traveled across the world and back, alone.  Little midwest Ang made her way to Singapore.  There were only a few flights that could go wrong (I only had a little trouble in Japan); still, I am not super anxious to run the earth as a solitary figure.  

I did a stint, or several stints, as a single parent.  (Here is where I ask the Lord once again to take me first.)  I can do it, but it certainly is not for the faint of heart.  Parenting is meant for two, thus the sperm and the egg, my friends.

I have uprooted my life three times and in all likelihood, I will do it again.  I have stopped and started three times, which might be insignificant or significant, depending on the reader.  To every rooting reader and myself, this is significant; a difficult and beautiful shaping of character and self.

I watched a little Tooker fight for breath in the NICU and I felt his little body struggle under the palm of my hand.  To leave him behind day after day, it surely took all the strength I had.  To keep up with this teenaged fun loving boy requires a separate but equal strength.

I survived the scrutiny of the child protective services of New York state.  A parental nightmare that I would not wish upon anyone.  For me, there is no other word to use but "survive."  It is deeply terrifying to know that it is possible that someone else has the power to strip you of your parental rights; further, it is a thing that brings deep and abiding shame.  

These are just a few snippets of different and difficult phases of my life; frankly, each of them rather terrifies me.  I don't want to do it, but I know that I HAVE done it.   I have done it because my friend walks the journey with me. He has promised to be here til the end of the age and He makes good on that promise.  He waits for me when I run ahead or simply lay down to mope.  I think the latter is the most likely of all the options because I'm not so much of a runner.  I am only as good as the One who goes with me and since He is good and He is the King, I should have nothing to fear.  I can do hard things. 

I can say goodbye to a generation of good people who were deeply loved.  I can take up my seat in the Golden Hall and make up a remnant of faith so long as I do not wander from my first love.

Friends, maybe this is you today.

Maybe you wander.....   

May you remember....  He waits for you.

And the Lord said, “I will wait until you return.