I think right now it doesn't matter where you are, likely, winter is in full swing. Snow, ice, sleet and a good dose of wind to bring the temperature to an uncomfortable level. Are you feeling cold? I've been a bit cold this week; my teeth have chattered and my environment has been frozen. (My beloved fern might not be with us for much longer.)
Many people, often these people are writers, also use the word "winter," as a metaphor for a difficult experience that lingers and creates a season of time that is painful and uncomfortable. Frankly, the word "summer" is rarely used and maybe that means we have some seasonism going on here. (Yes, political correctness is out of control and it's bound to be brought up so I might as well be the first to brand it and cash in on it.)
Have you had some winter in either sense recently?
Have you had both?
This week I was traveling for work from Texas to Oregon. Now, I like Oregon, in all honesty, it might become a second home with the amount of time I might need to spend there for work. It's beautiful; to me, the landscape is beautiful. Big trees, some mountains, coast, coffee... It has very charming appeal, but, it is not the place for me. It's expensive. It does not welcome strangers. It is snobby and full of its own virtue, that is, in my opinion, lacking. Thus, when it was time to leave, I wanted to leave, but I could not make it back to Texas....due to winter.
I did not want to stay in Portland another day. I'd already turned in the rental car, went through all the airport rigamarole, and departing for a new hotel in the same location was not what I wanted to do. "Please," I asked the Delta attendant, "please keep me booked on this flight to Salt Lake City, and I will stay overnight there." She was not very keen on it, preferring to send me to Atlanta at 0600 the next morning but I knew I would be stuck in
Atlanta because that flight would be cancelled since it was earlier in the day. The forecast was not amenable to successful travel into Austin before the evening. She agreed, but was insistent I'd have to have somewhere to stay, basically I think she was saying that Delta would not be responsible for me. I don't need Delta to be responsible for me so I boarded that deliciously empty flight to SLC while Velma, my newly purchased travel bag and future companion for business travel disembarked - I'd like to think involuntarily- and began her own journey across the country. I rented a car while we sat on the tarmac and settled in, mentally calculating what I'd need to purchase at the airport Hudson News when I arrived: toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, sweatshirt..err...parka perhaps?
Skiers, missionaries (and 30 of their closest friends and family), herds of various travelers were coming and going; SLC has grown significantly since it was my "hometown" airport. I spent some change, got the necessities and met the arctic blast head on. I was the only person looking like I expected the weather forecast to be a balmy 60*. My fellow travelers had all.the.gear and it felt like frostbite was setting in while I struggled to find my Toyota Corolla in D26. For the love...it's A,B,C,D...right? I found my new-to-me companion, hopped in, and turned on the heat quickly. As I drove out of the airport parking lot, I abandoned my original travel plan and drove straight to 2006 down Bangerter Highway. This is the way to Eagle Mountain.
Winter.
I passed West Jordan and the armory....2009...flashes of a tall, handsome soldier, helicopters, the American flag...and goodbye.
Winter.
Time ceased to exist and I lived for an hour in my memory. I was amazed by all the physical changes, and, as if for the first time, I was mesmerized by how you can see a million lights at night by the terrain. Everything is sandwiched between mountain ranges and you are a king looking down on the vast sea of diamonds spread before you, and the freeways are the parting of the Red Sea; you go right through. It was one of my favorite things to see when I first moved there; it's so different than anywhere I came from.
I just drove and tears rolled down my cheeks, unbidden. Not forced. Not planned. Not painful. But very emotional.
I worked the next day, but took time out for a nice long lunch. I drive down State Street from Lehi, through American Fork, Pleasant Grove, Lindon, to Orem. Everything I passed was a bright flash from my past. That was the first Costco I belonged to. That was my favorite Mexican restaurant. That was the road to the pediatrician. That was the hospital where I had Aaron. Noah's first elementary school. My baby went to school here; can I even remember what that was like? Yes, I can. This is the route that he would walk.
It was a strange feeling of: this is not home, yet I know once it felt that way; it is so familiar I can drive without thinking of how to get there. Strange and familiar; home, but foreign; a dichotomy. I found my cheeks were wet once again. How do these silent tears just fall? Where do they come from?
Winter. It can be a hardship, the season of cold temperatures and the season of painful experiences. I had a lot of winter in Utah. When I look back, I honestly can't explain how I did some of the things I did. I certainly don't feel like I could do them today. As I drove and cried, I had the deep seated assurance that grace is the answer.
Grace is the answer. When I needed to do something difficult, God provided the grace I needed to endure. The grace and strength was available in the moment of need, just in the perfect timing. I cannot tell you how I hugged my husband goodbye and left the airport with two babies in tow knowing I faced the next "forever" alone in a house in Orem. I don't want to think about doing that right now. I don't think I can do it. But I did do it. I can do it. Because when it was time, and only when it was time, the grace was poured out.
My Utah chapter is a season of winter to me but it is a precious one of deep faith, friendships, and maturity. It clearly still resonates in my heart and overwhelms me. I see so many examples of the faithfulness of God and I submit it is usually in these times we can most make that connection.
Are you in winter?
Winter does not last forever but it can linger much longer than we desire.
Pray for grace, dear one. Pray for Jesus to meet you just in the moment. He doesn't necessarily remove the pain, but He does lavish His grace on broken and hurting hearts.
And He raises them to life in the Spring....
Spring follows and Summer and then, Fall.....and maybe a new winter. But winter always comes with grace for every believer.
I was very thankful for my brief stopover in my past this week. It was a good walk down memory lane, it was good to remember.
As I look toward the beginning of Spring in Texas....
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