Hold Your Secrets

I recently posted about keeping in touch. Writing personal notes. Making personal calls. It truly is the most important thing. Caring about each other.

To go along with my other post - it gives me purpose.

I received a phone call from an old friend after that post. We talked for well over an hour catching up on the last 20 years. It was so lovely. Reconnecting.

I thought I would make an amazing nurse. Because giving care is in my blood. I want to force my way in and care about you whether you prefer that or not. Have a cup of tea, pull up a chair, let me take a look at your hurt. That is my identity.

I tried several times, meaning more than once, to pursue this dream. I'd lose hope and digress, only to regain it and fall back in. I did fairly well in my classes, some better than others, but the important ones were so difficult. I had to retake a few because I had to have a 4.0 GPA to even be considered in the application pool. I applied when it was time, and I was so anxious and hopeful. I was made for this. I sacrificed time with my babies for this. I could do this. I will forever be grateful that my husband was on a mission when I received the news. I wasn't even in the top 60 applicants who would be granted an interview. I had a 4.0 GPA. I did everything that you asked. It still wasn't enough. I was devastated. In the truest sense of the word. I needed time to grieve. Because I knew this would be my last attempt at fulfilling this dream. I cried. A lot. It hurt. This perceived failure hurt.

The thing is. I have since understood this is not my calling. Because. When I am in emergent situations, I feel sick. I care ever so much about your situation, but from over here. On the safety of the couch. Where I can breathe. I've been told that's because these situations have generally been with people that I care about, like my children, and that is what makes the difference.

But. I think it's because it's not my calling to care about the physical hurt.

My calling is to care about the psychological hurt.

I am very intuitive in this area. God has gifted me with a great sensitivity to the feelings and hearts of others. I am very observant; I can see and sense the cards that are held close to the chest. I can see what prompts actions. I see meaning underneath words. And I care.

I'm not going back to school. This is a not-for-profit operation. Because I'm not in the business of making you fix your issue. I'm in the business of sitting with you in the dark. I'm in the business of holding your secrets.

I took my kids to see the Trans-Siberian Orchestra this week. These guys are phenomenal. You should go every chance you get, because they are just damn fine musicians. Take a little Ibuprofen beforehand if your years exceed 55, but you shall not regret your time.

One of my most favorite vocal songs is from Beethoven's Last Night - I'll keep your secrets. Look it up on YouTube. Do it. Then listen to all of the album.

I've provided the lyrics here....

Lost in your dark
I see you there
What do you see beyond your stare
And you believe that no one else can know
What is this thing you keep inside
Out of the light and wrapped in pride
Always afraid that one day it will show

I'll keep your secrets
I'll hold your ground
And when the darkness starts to fall
I'll be around there waiting
When dreams are fading
And friends are distant and few
Know at that moment I'll be there with you

What are these voices that you hear
Are they too far or far too near
What are these things that echo from the past
Who are these ghosts you see at night
There in the shadows of your life
They only live by the light you cast

I'll keep your secrets
I'll hold your ground
And when the darkness starts to fall
I'll be around there waiting
When dreams are fading
And friends are distant and few
Know at that moment I'll be there with you

I'll be around
When there's no reason left to carry on
And every dream you've ever had is gone
And the dark is deep and black without a sound
And every star has been dragged to the ground
Know at that moment I will be around
Know at that moment I will be around


I've come to know my purpose. But it shifts as the regular seasons of my life shift. As the people I know drift out... As life ebbs and flows...

This is my identity.

Have a cup of tea, pull up a chair, and let me take a look at that hurt..

I can hold your secrets.