Lessons

Two lessons from the final 6 weeks of 2017...

The final weeks of age 37...

One cannot survive without purpose.

Control means more to me than it should.

Purpose, like feelings, is fluid.

Purpose should be so much more than fulfilling our employment obligations. Purpose is loftier. Purpose is the thing beyond the thing right in front of you. It's okay for work to be fulfilling and provide a sense of joy and accomplishment, but it is not purpose. I struggled for a very long time trying to work out obligation and purpose. Trying to define each of those in my life. You would think it easy. It isn't.

I know what my purpose should be. I've been around the block long enough to give the rote answer. In fact, I believe I even wrote a blog somewhere along the line about the same. It's been such a struggle for age 37, but I feel certain if I can get this hammered out now, I can be better.

I've started a new job recently as my readers will know. My obligations are different. My course is different. And, thereby, it feels my purpose has shifted. Not true, really, but it feels off. Because. When I started a new job, I started all the way over. Meaning the life I have carved for 4 1/2 years is gone. And by gone. I mean gone.

I am starting on a branch. All by myself. In a foreign environment. With foreigners. With increased margin, I'm starting many new ventures at one time. That has been unwise; sometimes I lack wisdom. I'm intimidated. I'm overwhelmed. And underwhelmed. I'm surrounded by people. And feel entirely alone. I'm uncertain. And there is nothing I dislike more than being uncertain.

But I have been brave. Any time a new course is set, courage is required. In some cases, like Scrabble night at the library, it has paid off well. I had such a great time and the senior citizens kicked my butt. (I'm going back for more.) In some cases, like my new volunteering ventures, it has come up short of my desired expectation.

It all comes back to wrestling with purpose and control.

Purpose, for me, is equated to being needed.

Control is equated to being valued, understood, equal.

I have been enjoying this season. It has been filled with such a gentle mix of fun, rest, cookies, fresh air, reading, shopping, games and sushi. That's right. Sushi. Which wasn't easy. It's been a gift to enjoy my family and the holidays without stress.

But I continue to look for purpose and control. Looking for new friendly faces as I start fresh. It's difficult. I'm never good at it. But, usually, someone takes pity, takes you under wing and these find themselves righted.

Oh...but the interim between painful goodbyes and pleasant hellos is long....