Understanding- A Holiday Must

Readers...

How is your holiday season?

I have a jumble of thoughts today and frankly it might not actually sync into a post that makes sense.

I've been digging through some old drawers in my mind. Going back through memories and stories. I've told you about this mind of mine - it captures and retains a lot. Mostly. Well. Except last week when it was supposed to capture and retain the concept of purchasing new saxophone music books for my eldest son. Hey. We win some. We lose some.

I've been thinking about the year my husband was deployed. What a sad time for me. What a long, sad time. I don't think I did anything good with that span of months. For the love nothing ever went right. Everything broke. All the time. I "failed" Anatomy and Physiology with a "C" and had to retake it because I had to get an "A." I tried to help out a homeschool co-op and almost lost some friends in the process. I tried to help out with a military support group and that, too, failed. I wanted to be a hermit. I wanted to stay in my home and not leave. It was. Such a time. I wanted to be left alone.

How does this relate to the holidays? Well. I wanted to be alone then too. I took my tree down a week before Christmas, with the caveat that we had celebrated our Christmas at Thanksgiving and I couldn't bear it any more. People wanted to invite me to this thing and that thing. And. "Come on by on Christmas day!" With much goodwill and thoughtfulness. But. People who are alone, or feel alone, do not necessarily want to drop by on Christmas day, even though you have asked with good intent. I don't want to be with people. I'm sad. I'm sulking. I'm ambivalent. I'm depressed. I'm uncertain. I don't exactly know how I feel right now. And you want me to come to your house on one of the most special days of the year?! Well bless it and save it, I just don't think I can watch you ooze contentment and joy right now. I can't be the third wheel who puts on an act trying to look all merry and bright. I can't feel like I really feel right now and that kinda irritates me. Because my heart is stuck.

I love people. My heart is for being with people. I am the inviter. I want you to come to my house. I want you to sit down and eat. I want to make you laugh. I want you to enjoy yourself. I want you to feel like you are home. In my presence. With my family.

But I see you, friend, the one who isn't sure. The one who feels ambivalent. The one who feels a little sad. I see you. I raise my mug of tea, thoughtfully, in your direction.

I have been you. If only for temporary times. But frankly I'm still you sometimes. Celebrating holidays without extended family is way different than when you are together. I legit have taken down my tree on 12/25 after everyone is in bed. I have to move on sometimes.

We all journey, friends, we all journey. We find ways to cope. We find ways to have some joy. We find ways to just get by.

You are invited. You are always invited, to my front porch, to my table, to sit near my cozy fire. You are loved here. In this space. It's safe. Even at lonely 12/25 kind-of-times. I will let you be sad. I will let you look at your phone. I will let you be in silence. I will let you nap. I will not let you starve.

Because what we need at Christmas is understanding.

More than anything else.

Yes, I love Jesus. Yes, I'm glad He's having another birthday. But sometimes I feel sad. And maybe you do too.

I respect that you prefer to be alone, dear friend, but you need not ever be, should you so choose.

Pick me.

I understand.