Do you have any guesses what it might be?
I hear "I love you" and "I miss you." "I am proud of you" and "Thanks for the meal."
But one line stings. The truth lingers after the sentence has had time to hang in the quiet, open air. It moves slowly and gains toxicity. Like a bit of poison that works its way into the bloodstream.
You need more confidence.
Once upon a time, ages ago, someone reached into my life and stole my confidence. Completely relieved me of every piece of it. It has been the battle of my lifetime to get it back. I've had friends for the journey. I have had friends to confide in. I've had friends to soften the noise of doubt. I've had friends who would allow me to cry. And I have had a few very dear-to-me souls that have stood in the wings and with great love watched me rise. Still. There are echoes of the idea that I do not place enough value and confidence in myself.
There are many ways in which one can exercise confidence. Appearance. Abilities. Skills. Knowledge. Sometimes you shine in some areas. Sometimes you shine in them all. I struggled most of my life with confidence in my appearance. It didn't matter what others saw, it mattered what I saw, and I did not like it. I got over that a bit ago. And by "bit," well, we needn't actually suss out the exact time details....
What I do still struggle with, though, is a firm, consistent belief in my abilities. I doubt that I can make a difference. I doubt that I have made a difference. I could put my whole heart into a task, and feel like I didn't measure up. Professionally, I feel cornered and confined. A lot. Because I never feel that it is okay to speak my mind. I am extremely cognizant of what I view as appropriate boundaries and I remain quiet. I am very much a product of my upbringing. Authority is given, and if it is not given to you, you fall in line and hup to little missy. In my defense, then, I don't believe it is always a lack of confidence, but an issue of finding a balance. Learning how to override the ingrained idea that I don't get to question authority or raise an eyebrow at the status quo.
I find it so difficult to deal with people today. Because they are the polar opposite of myself. They have zero issue questioning authority. They seem to have no idea how to show respect. They do not lack confidence to do whatever they want, whenever they want. And you know what? It leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
I will take myself, then, and the struggle to believe. I will continue to work out how to fit in, or not fit in, to a society that is unlike me. Because I am different. And I think I will choose to be okay with what that means. Maybe if we were all as hard on ourselves as I am, the world might be a better place. We'd look more to perfecting our own behaviors and trying harder to make a difference, then worrying about why so-n-so isn't doing right.
I hate when people say I don't believe in myself enough. I hate it. It's probably true. From an outward perspective.
But inside, in my heart, I have a lot I want to say. I have a lot of belief waiting to come out.
You just have to be willing to draw it out. You just have to be patient to hear.
I don't think you will be sorry you waited, because I have a lot of good contributions to make.
You will regret when I decide to take my leave of you.
How is that for confidence?
There are many ways in which one can exercise confidence. Appearance. Abilities. Skills. Knowledge. Sometimes you shine in some areas. Sometimes you shine in them all. I struggled most of my life with confidence in my appearance. It didn't matter what others saw, it mattered what I saw, and I did not like it. I got over that a bit ago. And by "bit," well, we needn't actually suss out the exact time details....
What I do still struggle with, though, is a firm, consistent belief in my abilities. I doubt that I can make a difference. I doubt that I have made a difference. I could put my whole heart into a task, and feel like I didn't measure up. Professionally, I feel cornered and confined. A lot. Because I never feel that it is okay to speak my mind. I am extremely cognizant of what I view as appropriate boundaries and I remain quiet. I am very much a product of my upbringing. Authority is given, and if it is not given to you, you fall in line and hup to little missy. In my defense, then, I don't believe it is always a lack of confidence, but an issue of finding a balance. Learning how to override the ingrained idea that I don't get to question authority or raise an eyebrow at the status quo.
I find it so difficult to deal with people today. Because they are the polar opposite of myself. They have zero issue questioning authority. They seem to have no idea how to show respect. They do not lack confidence to do whatever they want, whenever they want. And you know what? It leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
I will take myself, then, and the struggle to believe. I will continue to work out how to fit in, or not fit in, to a society that is unlike me. Because I am different. And I think I will choose to be okay with what that means. Maybe if we were all as hard on ourselves as I am, the world might be a better place. We'd look more to perfecting our own behaviors and trying harder to make a difference, then worrying about why so-n-so isn't doing right.
I hate when people say I don't believe in myself enough. I hate it. It's probably true. From an outward perspective.
But inside, in my heart, I have a lot I want to say. I have a lot of belief waiting to come out.
You just have to be willing to draw it out. You just have to be patient to hear.
I don't think you will be sorry you waited, because I have a lot of good contributions to make.
You will regret when I decide to take my leave of you.
How is that for confidence?
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