Lovingly Dedicated

Every person has their own definition of family.  Each person has had different experiences with the concept and relational aspects that go with it.  Some have had positive experiences and others may have had less than.  I guarantee, though, that when the word "family" is said, something specific will come to mind.  You would have an instant gut reaction that is directly proportional to your experiences.  Oh, dear friends, it would be my hope that for you it would have been a positive experience. 

Family does not always mean blood relatives, although you are born into a blood family.  We joke quite a bit in my own family about "blood being thicker than water."  Therefore, the married-in's have to band together to thwart those activity and food needs that the blood relatives will enforce.  Such as mac-n-mater and Scrabble.  Look I know these things are not for everyone.  I mean I get if you are not intelligent enough to formulate an acceptable word on the playing board.  But, for the love, try the mac-n-mater and embrace it. I can be a Sam-I-Am right now and tell you that you might just like it if you try it.  Elbow macaroni -al dente - with hot tomato juice poured over. Yes, that is PLAIN macaroni and PLAIN tomato juice.  There is no cheese involved. It is not spaghetti sauce. Just macaroni and tomato juice preferrably fresh squeezed from your garden but, Campbell's is okay. Add salt and pepper to taste. Please tell me how much you love it after you try it.

Guess what, my husband is out of town this week and this is on the menu for dinner - tonight!  Because he can't with the mac-n-mater. But I still married him.  And he gets to bond with all the other married-in's who can't stand it.  So it works.

Blood IS usually thicker than water, it is a natural instinct to find your way back to those that share your familial lines. You get each other.  You are each other. Those deep ties that bind for a lifetime flow in your veins.  However, there are circumstances when those deep ties falter and fail.  There are those circumstances of human error, faulty reasoning, and damaging tides that cannot be stemmed and you find you will not return.  There are circumstances where you do not often see your blood family due to distance.  In these cases you form a new family by reaching out and bonding with others around you.  These people may not understand mac-n-mater or Scrabble but in time the bond will be created and neither time nor distance will be able to tear it in two.

However your family is formed, however the ties have been bound, these are your people for life.  My sweet nephew is graduating at the end of this month; he is my only nephew on my side of the family. Out of the blue, I'm feeling quite emotional about it.  I will journey back to my homeland and I will celebrate his launching with great pride and joy, although I have had little to do with it.  So much of his early life that I got to see before I moved away does remain forever.  Words that he said.  Expressions that he used.  Same with other nieces and my own kiddos. These are regular speak to this day in my house.  You might have even heard me use some.  We eat "root salad" and still request to send "ony out." We say "peas" when we want more, and "s' acky" when something is gross. I will give you a long sentence for demonstrative purposes only.  Baked/boiled potatoes, pasta beans, peas, beer, tiramisu, dark chocolate, and anything that comes out of the sea (insert grimace for effect) s'acky. (is acky)   I love that we have that.  I love that we get to carry and keep bits and pieces of our family with us wherever we go.  Even though we have missed out on lots, we still have keepsake memories.  We still work diligently to stay connected. 

Your people for life.  You will drop everything to be with them when they call.  You will not be selfish and you will give of your time and money, and it will not be a drudgery because you enjoy them that much.  They fulfill and complete you.  Blood or water or both. 

I have these people in my mind.  My family. Blood, water and both.  The joy I have in these knows no bounds.  It is complicated, comforting, constricting and freeing all in one ginormous swoop.  I would gladly lay down my life in exchange for any one. The emotion that they can stir in me is life affirming.  It IS life.

I don't think he reads my blog.....so he can't be too embarrassed....

Ya-Ya, your auntie is so proud of you young man, by all accounts you are such a good little egg. Be proud of the reputation you have earned.  Be mindful it is very, very easy to lose.  May the trials that will come strengthen both your soul and your faith, and give your character substance.  Try to remember who I am when you are in college and when you get married and when you have your babies.  In the meantime....may our God shine His face so warmly on your path.   

Pomp and Circumstance in 3-2-1....

Thursday

Gentle Readers....

Have I conveyed how much I enjoy time in this space to share my heart? 

I think every person has that one passion that just makes them feel alive, makes them feel like themselves, and in that glimmer of time, you know that you are doing what you have been made for. Writing is that for me and lately, I have not spent much time doing what I love.  There are many reasons for that, and most of them are good. 

We spoke about agendas recently, one thing on that list that I am ticking off and "developing" is getting up and exercising before work.  Thumbs down to this, friends.  Just.  Big thumbs down.  I mean if God wanted us to exercise He would have given us bigger feet and hands.  For the love, I cannot balance on these teeny toes, lower my body to the ground and then be expected to bring it back up. It's not natural. Plus, it's 0600, all good and decent hobbits are still snuggled in their beds dreaming of third breakfast which includes a blueberry muffin if we want to be frank.  Yet, here I have been, day after day, dry heaving here and there, pushing my body to do something.  And I am not happy about it.  So, the next time you see me you better say all the things like, "sculpted" and "lean" and "healthy" and "fit" and "tall" and "graceful" and "beautiful." I'm not kidding.  Write it down.

In this new direction my life has taken, I have been presented with a lot of learning, growing and developing.  I am working in an environment unlike any of which I have been a part.  First, it is an international company involving people from many countries.  It is largely male dominated.  Further, these males are engineers, which means they are very smart.  I often feel intimidated when I think the playing field is not level.  I have many wonderful qualities, but I do not think I am as intelligent as an engineer, nor do I think like one.  I sit at my desk and listen to the chatter around me.  I observe the communication and interaction.  While I feel exactly the opposite of all my co-workers, I find I also feel at home.  Because my difference is pivotal.  My difference completes the puzzle.  I come along and do the the small things in the background that help to run the ship. I have excellent interpersonal and organizational skills which bridges all divides.  I tend to market myself in this area when I'm job hunting, because these two skills are vital to any role and the rest can be learned.  I enjoy my job more and more and I hope that at the end of the term, I will be offered a full time role.  I'm glad to be in a learning phase.

I was almost in a car accident recently.  I was making a left hand turn with a green arrow. As I was starting the turn, a car came barreling through the red light, also making a left turn that would have put him right into myself and another car. He was going really fast and I was sure it wasn't going to end well for me. Death. Dismemberment. These are the things running through your mind. Suddenly those push-ups don't sound half bad now. I'm still here, friends. I have all my limbs.  I'm reminded once again how God orchestrates our lives. Our lives are fully in His hands. That might have been the day I met Jesus face-to-face. Which would not have been all bad for me.  We make all these plans and push and pull our way through life. We worry and stress and wonder how things will work out.  Meanwhile all our days have already been numbered.  Meanwhile the plan is already in motion.  Meanwhile. Things will unfold from an eternal perspective.  All these little details of our lives add up to one paragraph in the novel God is writing. 

I'm going to get up tomorrow and exercise. I'm going to grumble about it because the scale continues to go up so whatever. I'm going to go to work and fill the coffee, help someone with the copy machine, and listen to the Dutch language flow around me. It's probably not going to be a life-changing day. But maybe it is. Maybe it is my last day on Earth.  So l should make it count. For eternity.

I wish I could see my part in the story. I wish I could know for sure if I've made any difference to anyone.  It's food for thought on a Thursday.  God is writing a story and He loved me enough to include me for a brief part. I hope I make Him proud.

Something To Let Go

We often hold onto things that perhaps we should let go. Grudges, pain, anger, jobs, 5th Avenue bars, coats.  I recently got rid of a coat that I've been hoarding for a good 6 years.  I would wear this coat in all seasons and weather conditions.  If I was shoveling snow, I was wearing it.  If it was a little chilly in May, I was wearing it.  It was so comfortable and perfect. Except for one thing.  For maybe two years now it had a giant hole in the seam under the arm.  Mostly I don't think you could see it unless my arm was raised.  I just couldn't bring myself to discard it even with the hole. To me, it was still perfect despite its distinct imperfection.  I was certain to never find a replacement.

With very little research, I found a replacement.

I kind of had a little ceremony as I discarded it.  This coat was with me in Utah, carried me through some rough days in New York; it soaked up a lot of tears, rain, snow, and probably some mustard.  It was like an old friend.  I took a photo. Ya know, for posterity. For when I'm 80 and can't remember the precious.  Then I rolled my eyes at my own behavior and promptly deleted it.  We humans can be a bit weird with a camera in such daily close proximity.  We don't need a photo of the M&M's we are about to eat.  Or do we? 

I wonder if we hold onto things more than people. Is it a possibility that we value things more than relationships? 

I wonder if we let go of people more easily than we should.  Is it a possibility that we value ourselves more than we value others?

I stood up for my coat.  When my family teased me, I paid them no mind.  I'm good with it; I love this coat.  "Are you going to buy me the exact same coat? Or any coat at all?"  No, you are probably not; therefore, I will continue to put it on and brave the elements.  I was definitely in full support of an inanimate object, although it was clearly lacking in value.

I'm out in the world everyday. I'm on social media. I have pre-teens.   Do you know what I see?  Do you know what I hear? A lot of profanity.  A lack of compassion.  Minimal respect. Maximum chaos.  I see things valued in my own house. Things are important. Screens are important.  Even to myself if I'm honest.  Screens teach us to value ourselves.  What only we want to see and do. Our texts. Our Netflix show. Our photos.  It's all about us.  I see it clearly in my own life, coat jokes aside.  It is self serving and causes me to be self-absorbed. 

Selfish people are not good with relationships.  That's a fact.  Because relationships require self-less-ness.  You have to look to the interests of others in a relationship.  How can I better help this person?  How can I better know and love this person?  How can I be a good friend?  How can I get involved in their life? 

My son asked me, yesterday, "Can you imagine a life without the internet?"  Then he giggled because he knew.

Yep.  I sure can because I lived part of my life without the internet.

"What in the world did you do all the time?"

Played lots of board games. Went swimming. Went sledding. Built forts - lots. Rode my bike - a lot. Climbed trees. Made a carnival for the neighborhood, a time or two; advertised said carnival for hours standing at the end of my driveway holding a sign on my not-well-traveled street, sold....three(?) tickets. (Yep, I was a carney in my former life. There are some stories in there for my memoirs.)  Read books - a lot. Gardened. Colored.  Whined about being bored. Probably whined some more.  Did some chores.  Most of my life was collaborative.  Not singular.  I think that is important to note.

No, I don't think screens ruin everything.  But I wholeheartedly believe that they do impact today's relationships and minimize the value we place in others and what is going on around us. I think those who have had screens a larger part of their life can't see the difference or notice the issue.  You can quickly hop on social media and get all the "self affirmation" you need from meaningless places.  What matters is what is in front of you. The people beside you.

Can I champion, doing, without electronic devices?

Can I champion board games?  Can I champion talking? Can I champion puzzles? Maybe foursquare?  It's hard work.  Parenting. Friending. Loving. Physically talking. Working. Improving. Involving. It's hard.

But it's worth it.  Grab another 5th Avenue for the journey and do it.  I'm here with you.  Letting go of my phone....and grabbing your hand..... 

What Makes The Match Worthwhile

Today was the kind of day that required a cup of tea to warm the cockles of the heart.  It was raining, and sometimes spitting snow.  The type of day that could quickly chill to the bone.  I'm curled up, drinking my coffee and ready to write.

I just returned to work today after a few days of vacation.  Vacation was so lovely, so exhausting, and so lovely.  I returned home for a few days; I don't make it home very often.  I spent a lot of time in the car and time in the car is always perfect for thinking and reminiscing.  It's the road home and the road home is always laden with memories, achingly beautiful and painful, memories.

Friday was the five year anniversay of leaving Utah.  I opened social media as the miles through the backwoods of Pennsylvannia added up, and two photos said, "Good Morning, Angela."  One of me and my very good friend.  And one of our combined five children. I couldn't even.  My mind returned to March 30, 2013, 0830 MST.  Five children, ten and under, are milling about, without a complete understanding of how much life will change in two short hours.  They know goodbyes will be said, a plane ride is imminent, a reunion will occur, and lives will begin to be lived separately.  But they don't fully comprehend what it will be like.

I know what it will be like.

I've done this before.

My heart is broken.

I already said goodbye to my other good friend last night.  From the moment she left me, the rest of my time in Utah is tainted by "the end." I laid awake and cried big salty tears and deep sobs that shook my body as I tried to stifle the pain in my pillow.  I know this season is over.  I know I will see these friends again, but I don't know when and I don't know under which circumstances we will once again reunite.  It hurts.  I know that the loss will leave a gaping hole in my life, one that will never truly be completely filled again for I'm leaving a piece of myself behind.  My grief is so great that I'm not sure I will be able to make the journey.  How am I going to look after two young children when I can barely function?

I'm not able to speak.  There is so much I want to convey, so much I want to say, so much I want to hold on to.  I want to live in the moment and celebrate the last words, the last glimpses of the familiar, but I can't embrace it.

I'm encircled in a group of my loved ones.  They are holding me and praying for me.  Dear readers, this is when you know you are the most cared for, when someone hugs you and asks God to keep you and bless your path. They are asking God to grant us friendships in our new home, I start to lose it here and never quite regain it the rest of the day. It's a generous and non-selfish request; one a true friend would make.  I can still hear them praying if I close my eyes.  I can here share with them that God has answered that prayer; I'm grateful.

The actual "goodbye" was anti-climatic as all goodbyes are unless you are in a movie.  It was quick, simple, mostly wordless, and we were on our way.  I cried most of the day.  I mean the.entire.day.  I wore my sunglasses on the flight, and shamelessly used my scarf as a giant snot rag.  I caught some looks of disgust, but I can't care about what the random strangers think.   When I landed in Albany, NY at 10:30pm EST, I was still crying.  I honestly did not improve until a few weeks had passed and that is the honest truth.  Grief is a process.  It takes some time.  Sometimes it takes longer than others.

I still miss these dear ones.  Five years later and the photos transport me; the pain is fresh.  I don't often talk to them. We are in different time zones and life is busy. I knew this would happen and that is why my grief was so great as I stepped out of the house for the last time.  It is hard to close a precious season of time knowing it will not again open.  I carry a piece of their heart with me.  They are talked about in my house and remembered with great love and fondness, much as I imagine I am in their houses.  For this is true and lasting friendship.

I anxiously look forward to the day when I shall see them again. I cannot say for certain when it will be.  But I will plunk down the cards or Scrabble board and all will be well.  For I will win, even if I lose, because the company is always what makes the match worthwhile.

Dear readers, can I encourage you to hold those in your "this season" tightly?  Embrace the time and moments you are given.  It's often the most precious after the last goodbyes are said. 20/20 hindsight in relationships is not a positive.  Enjoy today.  Enjoy now.  We know that life is always changing, and we never know just when those lasting, impactful changes will come.  Where will you be in five years?  Who will be with you there?  Can you say for certain?

Open your heart and love your people today.  Get in there, eat, drink, laugh, play some games, write some texts, enjoy God's most precious gift.  Friends for a lifetime are out there, but you might only get them for a season.  Don't squander it.  I raise my cup of coffee to you, readers, I know you will take this message to heart.

"Drink with me to days gone by, to the life that used to be.  At the shrine of friendship never say die, let the wine of friendship never run dry. Here's to you. And here's to me."