Reflective Rest

This weekend has been scheduled for emptying the heart. I intend to do a lot of writing.

Today, I have been able to rest after a very busy few weeks.  Last weekend I was able to be lead a committee to host our church picnic. It was so much work.  It really was.  12 hours before it was scheduled to start I had decided I definitely took on too much.  Because.  When I take on such a task, my family is automatically required to give as much as myself.  My husband and sons worked so very hard alongside me Saturday and Sunday, and this was not something to which they had committed.  Exhausted as I was, as much sweat as was pouring my back, I really was having so much fun.  Welcoming people.  Serving them food. Working to ensure they had a wonderful time.  I simply can't express how much joy I receive in those types of moments.  When we collapsed on the couch at 8pm on Sunday, after serving well over 200 people, I did suggest to my sweet family I would not take this task on next year.  I think they are equally hopeful and disbelieving.

Today is beautifully scheduled with candles, music, laundry, bleach, brooms, breeze, movies and blankets.

The weeks have been busy and emotional.  I feel as though I have met the demands fairly well as every day is one long checklist of items and I have marked most of them off.  I am so proud of how my children have settled into the routine of school this year.  It has been one of our easiest and best years yet.  I was quite happy and then realized it was just one more sign that my kids are getting older.   You really are not considered young when you have kids in middle school, high school, college.  I have definitely crossed over so now with my pride comes a little downer. Hum, I thought today as I heard a child of no more than two or three years old tell her mother she peed her pants.  The mother was exasperated of course. I wanted so much to tell her what she probably already knows but can't see in the moment.  One day you trade physical needs for hormonal/maturity ones and then one day more trade hormonal/maturity ones for car keys and apartments.

I feel wonderful in the moments of doing life.  I find so much joy in serving others. Being busy is fulfilling.  But in the quiet moments, such as today, I began to mourn the passing of time.  How is it we are back to jackets and bonfires?  How is another wedding anniversary and kids' birthday season upon us?  How is it?

My son will be a teenager in a couple weeks.  Which means the days of asking for the car keys are not that far in the future.  Which means I am safely in the "suburban mom" category and would not possibly be assigned to any other one.  I'm deep in the fall of life configuring menus, cellos, and schedules.  I'm deeply satisfied with this category for in this arena I am needed and loved.  Time moves ever so swiftly; grey hairs continue to come; wisdom through trials is gained; and my heart grows gentler and softer.  

My heart wants to hold onto moments as the weeks fly by.  I've been trying to connect with friends, but, indeed, everyone else is also in busy seasons.  I raise my cup of tea to you this day, dear readers and friends.  Gentle are the tears that water the places in my heart where you reside. Gentle, tired, suburban mom tears.  Come, let me hold you close.  For tomorrow you will be gone.

Getting What You Want

When I have the opportunity, I love to be wrapped in warmth and heaviness.  (This is why I love hugs and you can hold me for a long time and I will not complain.  I usually withdraw first because I don't want to overstay my welcome....but I digress on the fine art of the hug....) We are approaching the time when it is most convenient to feel weighted blankets on the body and allow the pressure to ease tension.

Pressing adjectives that would currently describe my life:  exhausted, uncertain, confident, busy, accomplished, aging.  Despite that last description, I am basically a teenager right now. I might have a bump or two on my face to prove it.  Seriously?  Zits at 40?!  Who knew that was a thing?  Feelings that are opposite are juxtaposed together to sum up one day.  I rapidly transition from one to the next with hardly a break in between. 

As I walk day-to-day what I find most interesting is my internal responses are not what I expect them to be.  Yes, I am discouraged at the loss of my job because I have so enjoyed it; yes, I am somewhat uncertain about the future; but, I am also quite confident that I do not have to accept less than what I want.  I feel my value.  Let me repeat that again:  I feel my value. Perhaps for the first time in my life.  Feeling is completely different than seeing; few things compare to this peace.

I have recently been in contact with one of my former direct reports, and she makes me feel like myself. The idea is that while you might not necessarily be similar to someone else, there is an understanding of your nature that hangs in the air.   Do you know what that is? You can speak minimally, implying a statement, and it is readily understood and a comment comes back forthwith.  Morgan is such a person.  She is young, slender, outdoorsy, unorganized (self admitted) and frankly, might swear a lot.  All the things I am not, but I love her. I just so much enjoy working alongside her.  We have a very natural understanding of each other, with a portion of the relationship being a type of mentorship. 

Into this relationship I walk, a few nights a week.  Always I am greeted with, "How much time did you spend on indeed today?"  For the next little while, I regale her with the tales of job hunting.  We have a lot of laughs, almost all of them at my expense, which when you are in your safe zone is as natural as breathing. One particular day, I was really interested in a post about a vault processor.  I read through all the qualifications and was certain I was the right one for the job.  I enjoyed my time as vault teller (minus all the selling and other office issues)  Give me privacy, pile of cash and transactions to work through, and I'm good to go.  I'm very efficient.  I was all set to hit "apply" when my eye caught one outstanding thing. 

"You'll never guess what was on the docket today," I tell Morgan.  She was anxious to hear, and in that pivotal moment, unable to keep a straight face, I ruined the delivery.

Straight up, armed detail. 

Have you met me? 

I can no more shoot a gun than accurately throw a baseball. 

She laughed for a solid five minutes as I attempted to sell myself as a liason for armored cash transport.  I am gifted with words most of the time.  I usually never come away from an interview feeling that I have not succeeded in the appropriate giving and getting of information.  I gave many solid reasons and I think I for sure sold a couple other local friends who stopped by.  We all could definitely picture me hopping out of the back of the truck with my cash bag, guns, belts, and the like.

After we all stopped laughing.  And lying.  Morgan said,  "I am really sorry that this is happening to you, but I am enjoying all the stories that are coming from it."

Indeed.

This is a gentle reminder to me that people are always watching.  They observe how you react.  They listen to your words and your tone.  They watch to see if you are gracious.  I think our most defining moments come right here, right in the uncertain, teenage moments.  Just when all the zits are popping out, you have bags under your eyes because you work too many hours, and you have to go out and sell yourself to someone who does not know you.  You can cry because it really is unfair.  (and I have)  You can also choose to build through this time.  I found I have more of a network than I ever realized; numerous people have sent job listings and referrals.  I have received so much love.  I have found a most captive audience for all the eye-rolling and telling of stories, which is what every writer deeply desires. 

Guess what?  This is my moment.  This is when I get to empty my heart.  This is when I get to influence.   To impact.  To share.  To write! 

So this moment is....profound.

Angela is just where she wants to be, but the moment, as is almost always the case, is different than she imagined.  Getting what you want is complicated.

This moment is wrapped in warmth and heaviness.  And comfort.

Timing Take Two

I recently made the statement that 'timing is everything." It rings especially true this week in a less desirable approach.  Sometimes we don't understand the timing of events, and it is when we do not understand that we disapprove of the statement.  More often we like to tout it when all is going according to the plan we have set, or when we see a set of positive circumstances shaping up for ourselves.  "This must be what I've been waiting on - great! Timing is everything."

Gentle and beloved readers, it is actually all the more verifiable when it is not a desired outcome.  When things are not going well and the rug is pulled out from under us.  "A fine kettle of fish" is something I would have heard in a past life and frankly something that might pass my lips from time to time. 

Timing is everything.  Which means when your express train makes a hard stop midway toward the destination, it gives you pause.  And when you are hungry, tired and ready for the safety and respite of your home fire, it feels, unsettling.  Then. The more you consider your options it becomes downright terrifying.  Why did the train stop here?  Are we out of fuel? What went wrong? Did I not pay my way?  Does the conductor need help?

I have been steadily working toward a goal, friends, and I, in fact, have confirmation that I should receive the prize for which I have worked.  I was to be offered a job but this week brings the news that I will very likely lose this opportunity to extraneous circumstances.  In my lifetime, I have never been fired. I have never been let go.  I went through one "rightsizing" and just prior to the actual event they forced (very, very strongly encouraged) me to take a different role that no one wanted because it was a tough job.  I reluctantly agreed and two days later my entire team of 15+ was gone without goodbye.  Have you heard of survivors guilt?  It is definitely a thing and it did not feel right to have perhaps been "chosen" when I should have been included.  I cried while I watched them pack up the plants and notebooks of my lunch crew, and I never saw them again. 

Timing is everything.  While I keep repeating to myself that this is not a performance issue, the sting is no less, because I have not accomplished the goal for which I set out.  I took a calculated risk, gave up vacation, holiday time, steady income for what in the end would be better. 

My initial reaction is to say, "Well, see, it never pays to jump in the deep water." Or. "I tried a new role that I was uncertain about and instead of flying I plummeted to the ground, lesson learned."

We would never tell our children, "Aim low, Bud, aim low and you will merely sustain through life but at least you are sustaining." It's ludicrous.  We tell our graduates: "Aim for the sky! Jump! Experience!  You don't think you qualify? Try anyway!" 

Somewhere between eighteen and forty we start to change what we believe about ourselves and our potential.  I have had to talk to myself repeatedly over the last several days.

What is important about the timing of the current events I can't say. But it doesn't seem like this train will reach the confort of the home fire but instead will be redirected momentarily.

I'm extremely disappointed, but my tears are now all but dry, and I look to see what the next track will be. 

I hope I fly.