Getting What You Want

When I have the opportunity, I love to be wrapped in warmth and heaviness.  (This is why I love hugs and you can hold me for a long time and I will not complain.  I usually withdraw first because I don't want to overstay my welcome....but I digress on the fine art of the hug....) We are approaching the time when it is most convenient to feel weighted blankets on the body and allow the pressure to ease tension.

Pressing adjectives that would currently describe my life:  exhausted, uncertain, confident, busy, accomplished, aging.  Despite that last description, I am basically a teenager right now. I might have a bump or two on my face to prove it.  Seriously?  Zits at 40?!  Who knew that was a thing?  Feelings that are opposite are juxtaposed together to sum up one day.  I rapidly transition from one to the next with hardly a break in between. 

As I walk day-to-day what I find most interesting is my internal responses are not what I expect them to be.  Yes, I am discouraged at the loss of my job because I have so enjoyed it; yes, I am somewhat uncertain about the future; but, I am also quite confident that I do not have to accept less than what I want.  I feel my value.  Let me repeat that again:  I feel my value. Perhaps for the first time in my life.  Feeling is completely different than seeing; few things compare to this peace.

I have recently been in contact with one of my former direct reports, and she makes me feel like myself. The idea is that while you might not necessarily be similar to someone else, there is an understanding of your nature that hangs in the air.   Do you know what that is? You can speak minimally, implying a statement, and it is readily understood and a comment comes back forthwith.  Morgan is such a person.  She is young, slender, outdoorsy, unorganized (self admitted) and frankly, might swear a lot.  All the things I am not, but I love her. I just so much enjoy working alongside her.  We have a very natural understanding of each other, with a portion of the relationship being a type of mentorship. 

Into this relationship I walk, a few nights a week.  Always I am greeted with, "How much time did you spend on indeed today?"  For the next little while, I regale her with the tales of job hunting.  We have a lot of laughs, almost all of them at my expense, which when you are in your safe zone is as natural as breathing. One particular day, I was really interested in a post about a vault processor.  I read through all the qualifications and was certain I was the right one for the job.  I enjoyed my time as vault teller (minus all the selling and other office issues)  Give me privacy, pile of cash and transactions to work through, and I'm good to go.  I'm very efficient.  I was all set to hit "apply" when my eye caught one outstanding thing. 

"You'll never guess what was on the docket today," I tell Morgan.  She was anxious to hear, and in that pivotal moment, unable to keep a straight face, I ruined the delivery.

Straight up, armed detail. 

Have you met me? 

I can no more shoot a gun than accurately throw a baseball. 

She laughed for a solid five minutes as I attempted to sell myself as a liason for armored cash transport.  I am gifted with words most of the time.  I usually never come away from an interview feeling that I have not succeeded in the appropriate giving and getting of information.  I gave many solid reasons and I think I for sure sold a couple other local friends who stopped by.  We all could definitely picture me hopping out of the back of the truck with my cash bag, guns, belts, and the like.

After we all stopped laughing.  And lying.  Morgan said,  "I am really sorry that this is happening to you, but I am enjoying all the stories that are coming from it."

Indeed.

This is a gentle reminder to me that people are always watching.  They observe how you react.  They listen to your words and your tone.  They watch to see if you are gracious.  I think our most defining moments come right here, right in the uncertain, teenage moments.  Just when all the zits are popping out, you have bags under your eyes because you work too many hours, and you have to go out and sell yourself to someone who does not know you.  You can cry because it really is unfair.  (and I have)  You can also choose to build through this time.  I found I have more of a network than I ever realized; numerous people have sent job listings and referrals.  I have received so much love.  I have found a most captive audience for all the eye-rolling and telling of stories, which is what every writer deeply desires. 

Guess what?  This is my moment.  This is when I get to empty my heart.  This is when I get to influence.   To impact.  To share.  To write! 

So this moment is....profound.

Angela is just where she wants to be, but the moment, as is almost always the case, is different than she imagined.  Getting what you want is complicated.

This moment is wrapped in warmth and heaviness.  And comfort.