Memory is important. Without your memory it is almost a physical impossibility to do anything for yourself. Memory fuels our abilities. Memory also fuels our thoughts, our faith, our daily interactions.
Someone as recently as two weeks ago said to me, "You are different. You aren't like anybody else I know. You are kind of weird." I'm not sure you can imagine how many times this has been said to me in the course of a lifetime. It has been said often. It has been said by way of insult and occasionally, by way of compliment. In this case it was a mixed tone fraught mostly with disdain but a twinge of admiration.
I turned another page in my book this week. I live the last year in my thirties with a bit of surprise that time has gone so quickly, a bit of sorrow for the changes I have known, and a bit of wisdom for the grey hairs that are now beginning to coat my head.
I am definitely a mutt. A product of a varied culture and belief system that doesn't at all mesh with society. A person of faith will always stand apart for the faith that defines them defies society and the low standards it sets. I can't tell a lie, if Kid Rock came on the radio, I'd definitely hum a few bars. "I get behind myself, I need to rewind myself. I feel like number one yet I'm last in line...." I can just as easily sing all 4 verses of Amazing Grace without hesitation. A mutt to the core.
Mostly I have come to terms with this status. My feelers are still slightly sensitive so when that person at work made such a bold statement with a tone of derision, it hurt. I see myself in the second grade with braids, tennis shoes, socks and a skirt every.single.day when I wanted so desperately to hide in the ocean of jeans, t-shirts, and headbands. Hiding seemed so preferable to being front and center as the odd man.
My memory bank tells me I was sad as a child. Many days I was very sad. I wanted to be accepted and most often was not. I remember being told I was different, weird. I remember being asked if I was cold wearing skirts in the winter. I remember being ridiculed for not knowing the favorite TV show. I remember people pulling my hair. I remember talking to adults about how their faith differed from mine and overhearing them say to each other that I was a very odd child to talk about such things. I wanted to be just like everyone else and it hurt that there was a very clear line between me and them.
This week a new law passed in the state in which I reside. A law that has to do with the procedure of abortion. Suddenly I'm not afraid to be front and center. Suddenly I don't want to be a wallflower. Because those four verses of Amazing Grace define me more than any other thing in my life. My heart has ached each day as I have thought about the sweet babies that have not, and will not draw breath this side of heaven for this reason. The line I used to dislike is becoming wider; there is a greater chasm between me and them. I'm okay with that. I am okay with being less understood. Different. Weird. For I have a moral compass and it does not allow me to yield or waver on what is right and true. Our faith defines our morals. Our morals define our character. Our character shapes and defines the world.
I remember my roots. One thing I know to be true about a root, it gives you ground; it gives you strength; and it gives you courage. There is a chasm, but I know the Bridge Builder personally.
"Oh, Aslan, said Lucy. 'Will you tell us how to get into your country from our world?'
'I shall be telling you all the time,' said Aslan .'But I will not tell you how long or short the way will be; only that it lies across a river. But do not fear that, for I am the great Bridge Builder.' "
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