Blue Eyed Babies

Do you know what it is like to feel hot tears run down your temple and into your ear?  Have you ever buried your head in a pillow and allowed sobs to cleanse your soul?  These night tears, the ones that come out in the darkness, burn the hottest.

Last night I cried many tears.  I wondered at the passing of time.  How my babies are grown.  How more time is behind than ahead.  Every time I thought of their beautiful chubby faces, their white blonde hair, and sweet little voices my heart ached deeper. "Do you remember our sweet babies, weren't they so cute?" I asked Ryan. He chuckled, patted my arm, understanding I am currently a lost cause, and agreed.

My mind ran a marathon hopping from one event to the next.  Do you remember their slobbery kisses?  Do you yet feel chubby arms around your neck?  Do you remember nights of endless crying? Do you remember kindergarten? 

It feels like so many wonderful things are in the past.  I wonder and somewhat believe that the toughest days are ahead.  Do you know where your teen is?  Is he making good decisions?  Have you equipped him to be wise? 

I don't have many mom friends. I don't live near family.  I don't have many people speaking wisdom into my life in this area.  I'm a bit out on a limb. I love and dread each day.  So much is happening in these years.  I long for chubby faces and arms and also for long, lanky ones assuring me that time is precious.

It seems further unfair that peri/mid/regular/post menopause is quite possibly coinciding with these rough years.  How are we simultaneously supposed to age with grace and manage changing family dynamics? 

Do you wanna build a snowman?

Oh.  You'd rather play video games...

Okay. Bye.

My babies were beautiful.  Rolls and ham hocks to spare. Wobbly legs. Piercing blue eyes. Smiles for days.

My teens are boyish but pushing toward the look of adolescence.   Clear blue eyes.  Smiles that come but sometimes are forced. 

Motherhood is a gift that is both painful and precious.  The greatest lesson we can learn is to live in the moment. 

And Sometimes. Sometimes we blubber and cry inconsolably about the past.  We can't always be strong.