I Know Exactly Who I Am

I'm taking a big trip soon. I'm revisiting an old season and it has me very excited, yet extremely pensive. And not one bit nervous. This old season began just exactly ten years ago, give 10 days. Oh, to look back that far, friends, it makes me cringe. In big, big ways. The Angela of today is not the Angela of then. Thank goodness! (God bless you, Ryan.)

Aging requires a great deal of grace. It isn't easy to find yourself going through physical, perhaps some mental, changes. No one particularly desires to lose the ability to read a book without visual aid. I haven't progressed to the point where I have encountered many negative physical changes, except for this cursed "tennis elbow" that might cause me to drop a precious plate of fried chicken. (Say it isn't so!) What I absolutely love most about the aging process is the myriad experiences that sharpen wit, increase courage, leverage focus, and develop self.

This is exactly what the 30s decade looks like. Finding self. It's not an easy process to look at all the facets of your life - your body, your personality, your past, your present, your feelings, your family, your abilities, your faults - and acknowledge. Acknowledge the good things. Acknowledge the bad things. Name the things you like. Face the things you do not like. Honestly, I do not think you can begin this process any earlier, because, experience is the catalyst for maturation. Maturation is the key for accepting self.

To quote a 90's-ish country song...(because three quarters of my heart will always belong to Reba, George, Colin, Jo Dee, Tim, Martina, Kenny, Deanna......)

I know exactly who I am.

More importantly, I really like, and accept, who I am, which is the harder distinction of the two. Angela from ten years ago...errr...not so much.

I can tell you that very recently at 36.5 years of age, I have declared that I only like my eggs boiled or over hard. Not scrambled. Not runny. Gooey eggs make me gag. There. I said it.

I will never ever be the person who drinks the spinach shakes and climbs mountains. I have not the slightest interest in pursuing either of those available options, yet I have never in my life experienced more confidence in the person that I am, in appearance, more than I do today. I will do my best to periodically lay off the chips and salsa...but Chili's for realz with the rewards and bottomless spicy goodness.... For the love.

Reading has been my gateway for life and I hope it always will be.

Expressing myself through writing is an amazing outlet for such an emotionally driven person - I feel certain I should have been doing this much sooner. I love it. Words flow so easily and naturally for me, unlike many other pursuits.

I am very cognizant of my abilities and my faults, which, incidentally, I think everyone should be; but, because I am a perfectionist,  I choose to see my faults so much more vividly.

I hate for people to see me cry. Just. Hate. It. I prefer to do all my bawling in private, so if you ever see me crying, please don't ask, please don't hug, please don't chase me down, act like you see nothing and move on. I will not be able to get a grip until you stop saying all the words of care and concern. Yesterday, when I had given up the ghost, and cried every 8 minutes in front of all the peoole of all the worlds, I sat in the restaraunt across from Ryan and let the tears fall, unchecked, which I never do unless I'm completely alone, and Ryan said this to me, "You pick up on all the emotions and words from the people around you, and you take that on yourself, you take everything that comes your way so personally. And that makes you a good person. You are a good person." I'm not sure about the last statements, but, yes. Just yes. I read people very well. This is a total final summation of me. Emotions. Words.

When I go on this trip, and revisit this old season, I will be a very different person than the person who left. And that is a good thing. I'm not nervous because the people to whom I return love me deeply. Bless them. Bless them for seeing something in me that I didn't. Because when I look back at me, I cringe. But when they look back at me, they see love.

I can't wait.