Remember Your Roots

Memory is important.  Without your memory it is almost a physical impossibility to do anything for yourself.  Memory fuels our abilities.  Memory also fuels our thoughts, our faith, our daily interactions.

Someone as recently as two weeks ago said to me, "You are different.  You aren't like anybody else I know. You are kind of weird."  I'm not sure you can imagine how many times this has been said to me in the course of a lifetime.  It has been said often.  It has been said by way of insult and occasionally, by way of compliment.  In this case it was a mixed tone fraught mostly with disdain but a twinge of admiration.

I turned another page in my book this week.  I live the last year in my thirties with a bit of surprise that time has gone so quickly, a bit of sorrow for the changes I have known, and a bit of wisdom for the grey hairs that are now beginning to coat my head.

I am definitely a mutt.  A product of a varied culture and belief system that doesn't at all mesh with society.  A person of  faith will always stand apart for the faith that defines them defies society and the low standards it sets.  I can't tell a lie, if Kid Rock came on the radio, I'd definitely hum a few bars.  "I get behind myself, I need to rewind myself.  I feel like number one yet I'm last in line...."    I can just as easily sing all 4 verses of Amazing Grace without hesitation.  A mutt to the core.

Mostly I have come to terms with this status.  My feelers are still slightly sensitive so when that person at work made such a bold statement with a tone of derision, it hurt.  I see myself in the second grade with braids, tennis shoes, socks and a skirt every.single.day when I wanted so desperately to hide in the ocean of jeans, t-shirts, and headbands.  Hiding seemed so preferable to being front and center as the odd man.

My memory bank tells me I was sad as a child.  Many days I was very sad.  I wanted to be accepted and most often was not.  I remember being told I was different, weird. I remember being asked if I was cold wearing skirts in the winter.  I remember being ridiculed for not knowing the favorite TV show.  I remember people pulling my hair.  I remember talking to adults about how their faith differed from mine and overhearing them say to each other that I was a very odd child to talk about such things.  I wanted to be just like everyone else and it hurt that there was a very clear line between me and them.

This week a new law passed in the state in which I reside.  A law that has to do with the procedure of abortion.  Suddenly I'm not afraid to be front and center.  Suddenly I don't want to be a wallflower.  Because those four verses of Amazing Grace define me more than any other thing in my life.  My heart has ached each day as I have thought about the sweet babies that have not, and will not draw breath this side of heaven for this reason. The line I used to dislike is becoming wider; there is a greater chasm between me and them.  I'm okay with that.  I am okay with being less understood.  Different.  Weird.  For I have a moral compass and it does not allow me to yield or waver on what is right and true.  Our faith defines our morals. Our morals define our character.  Our character shapes and defines the world.

I remember my roots.  One thing I know to be true about a root, it gives you ground; it gives you strength; and it gives you courage.  There is a chasm, but I know the Bridge Builder personally.

"Oh, Aslan, said Lucy. 'Will you tell us how to get into your country from our world?'

'I shall be telling you all the time,' said Aslan .'But I will not tell you how long or short the way will be; only that it lies across a river. But do not fear that, for I am the great Bridge Builder.' "

That Which Will One Day Be Dust

Do you wake in the morning and immediately start to think of all the tasks ahead of you?

Do you categorize your life in levels of importance?

Do you routinely look at your priorities?

I'm not sure if it's because I am a woman but these three things drive my days.  I immediately think of the "to do" list as soon as my eyes open.  

"Today is cello/ski day so I have to leave at 7:30 for drop off.  Not a minute later or I'll be stuck in Shen campus traffic."

"Today is second Sunday of the month so I must leave by 10am to be in place to serve at church."

"What day of the week is it?!?  Did I forget my alarm or is it Saturday? What am I forgetting?!"

"Should I skip that and do this instead? But I know I won't be home from work until after 6..."

I'm not sure if this is a common thread for others, but especially in these months of winter and spring I find myself deeply engaged in getting everything done well.  

It was a busy few months through the holidays and transitioning jobs.  It required a lot of effort for me to prepare for Christmas, prepare for a funeral, travel, extra work hours, extra family time, baking, serving. Each of my days was full of items to check off. I hate checking off "family time," but if I'm honest it gets a check so that I know I satisfactorily fit it in.  As my kids have aged, I find it more and more necessary to engage them because they do not as voluntarily engage with me.  I must draw out the conversation from their little hearts and minds.  I've been amazed at what I find out, what things I would have never known; thus, this is now in the top portion of my priority list.

During this lengthy time of "doing" and "serving" I found myself so often with tears as I drove to work.  Tears of pure gratefulness and gratitude for what has been mine. It comes over me in overwhelming waves, this thankful spirit. God is consistently reminding me and tuning my heart these past months.   I have much to do because my heart and life is full.  I get to serve Jesus because He first served me.  I get to serve my family because I have one.  I get to serve my employer and colleagues because I am blessed with a job immediately following the loss of one.  All the prioritizing is because my life is full.  I always want to do and be at my best which is one of the greatest installations of my childhood, but it does tend to lead toward misaligned priorities.  God is growing me here.  He opens my eyes to see the output of my hands and heart.  He shows me what is of the longer and lasting value and that which will one day be dust.

I cannot fail when I pour my heart into people. The people God entrusted to me in my household. The people he brings into my sphere of influence. The people that he loves.  All the rest will fade in time but love echoes down the hallways of homes and hearts and lingers into eternity. 

I might finally be getting something right.  I might finally have a steady course, something like a star.  I have been fashioned and made for a steady purpose.

Says Javert in Les Miserables...

Stars
In your multitudes
Scarce to be counted
Filling the darkness
With order and light
You are the sentinels
Silent and sure
Keeping watch in the night
Keeping watch in the night

You know your place in the sky
You hold your course and your aim
And each in your season
Returns and returns
And is always the same

As I move through the year ahead...I will keep these words close at heart.  Stars. Steady.  Filling the darkness. With love. 

Blue Eyed Babies

Do you know what it is like to feel hot tears run down your temple and into your ear?  Have you ever buried your head in a pillow and allowed sobs to cleanse your soul?  These night tears, the ones that come out in the darkness, burn the hottest.

Last night I cried many tears.  I wondered at the passing of time.  How my babies are grown.  How more time is behind than ahead.  Every time I thought of their beautiful chubby faces, their white blonde hair, and sweet little voices my heart ached deeper. "Do you remember our sweet babies, weren't they so cute?" I asked Ryan. He chuckled, patted my arm, understanding I am currently a lost cause, and agreed.

My mind ran a marathon hopping from one event to the next.  Do you remember their slobbery kisses?  Do you yet feel chubby arms around your neck?  Do you remember nights of endless crying? Do you remember kindergarten? 

It feels like so many wonderful things are in the past.  I wonder and somewhat believe that the toughest days are ahead.  Do you know where your teen is?  Is he making good decisions?  Have you equipped him to be wise? 

I don't have many mom friends. I don't live near family.  I don't have many people speaking wisdom into my life in this area.  I'm a bit out on a limb. I love and dread each day.  So much is happening in these years.  I long for chubby faces and arms and also for long, lanky ones assuring me that time is precious.

It seems further unfair that peri/mid/regular/post menopause is quite possibly coinciding with these rough years.  How are we simultaneously supposed to age with grace and manage changing family dynamics? 

Do you wanna build a snowman?

Oh.  You'd rather play video games...

Okay. Bye.

My babies were beautiful.  Rolls and ham hocks to spare. Wobbly legs. Piercing blue eyes. Smiles for days.

My teens are boyish but pushing toward the look of adolescence.   Clear blue eyes.  Smiles that come but sometimes are forced. 

Motherhood is a gift that is both painful and precious.  The greatest lesson we can learn is to live in the moment. 

And Sometimes. Sometimes we blubber and cry inconsolably about the past.  We can't always be strong.

Expressing the Inexpressible

“After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.”

This quote has been on my mind.

As a writer, it is important to fill and empty the heart.  To express one's self. 

I'm currently stuck in a place where my heart is full yet I feel unable to write.  I will write what I can.  

Sometimes silence conveys what the heart cannot.  Sometimes the silence between two individuals speaks volumes.  For good or bad.  When I feel too much I am always at a great loss of words.  I can only hope you read my heart well. 

Sometimes music takes the place of silence.  Music gives our soul a voice when words fail. 

Death is a path we all must take. On the other side of the curtain is eternity, and we each have decisions to make about what that will look like for us.

The aftermath, though, of this path for those who remain is filled with questions, pain, anger, uncertainty, and almost always, regret. 

I have run the course of emotion this past week.  I have faltered my way through the days longing for clarity.  I have understood a pain heretofore unknown.  I have not known my place. I have held my tongue. I have said too much. 

Grief is a process that you either experience or observe.  If you are an observer, there is precious little you can do for the experiencer.  Your task as an observer is to show up, consistently, and embrace the journey.  

It is largely a thankless job.  You will be called upon without notice and you may be dropped without consideration. 

Grief is long, it ebbs and flows, it can be all consuming or a dull, buried ache that manifests randomly.

The one who walks through grief does not know the way. 

The one who observes.  This one.  Stood before holy God and vowed to have, to hold, to love, to honor, to cherish. 

The one who observes will hold your hand and walk through the darkness. With you. Although I also do not know the way.  

For now.  Music.  

The Grey Rain Curtain

I haven't written in ever so long....

So many thoughts I have wanted to express and not quite the right moments to capture and pin them down.  

I am longing for a little computer of my own so that I can write to my heart's content without sharing or making special request. As it is, it's extra work to get the opportunity to use one.  Have you heard of a thing called Fortnite?  It's just fine, mommies make sacrifices all the time.  But do you know that I type all this on my phone?!  

It is quiet and calm tonight.  It is cold and dark.  And I daresay a little lonely.  But in this environment I can find rest for my body, and for my soul. 

I struggle greatly with getting rest.  I feel tired most of the time.  I think it is, in part, due to the major sinus issues I have developed the past six months.  I feel my heartbeat in my ear all the time. I can't ever hear what people are saying.  I can't breathe through my nose. This leads to very poor sleep.  

It's ideal right now that it is the perfect weather for hibernation.  I'm rather happy to hole up and introvert.  I just came across a reminder of what one of my favorite pharmacist buddies said to me in late 2013.  Jim said, "No one will ever make the mistake of pegging you as an introvert." It's true, I usually get energy from being with others, but currently I feel like I could enjoy introverting for a bit.

The exception to this is family, chosen or blood.  No one pours into me or fills my love bucket like my family.  My aunties ran me ragged in Atlanta for four days straight last weekend.  It was nonstop talking, concerts, puzzles, baking, eating, talking, walking.  And I inhaled every moment of every single day.  It was so refreshing.  It was just what I didn't know I needed.  It solidified my firm belief that my people live in the south.  Strangers just pulled me into a hug and welcomed me enthusiastically.  Yes, these are my people and one day I will leave the northeast behind me.

We're approaching a new year.  Do you wonder what it holds?  I do.  I wonder all the time what is ahead.  I know my last baby will leave elementary years behind.  I know my oldest will begin his last year of middle school.  I know I will turn 39.  And that is about all that is certain. And, frankly, that is not even certain.  I might die before three weeks of the new year have passed. 

Death is sobering, is it not? A voice is silent. Eyes no longer sparkle. Love is no longer read in a face. 

It is an end to a period of time that a soul has occupied a body here on Earth, and a moment when that soul finds itself in a new place.  For the believer, that is heaven...

"The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass, and then you see it.....  White shores, and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise."

All our days are numbered, dear readers, and there is not a blessed thing we can do to change it. We do well to look to it.  To understand that all our purposes here are directed toward the end.  To the day the grey curtain rolls back.  

I hope you will think about it this week.  Who are the people you love?  Why don't you tell them?  Why don't you send them a card?  Why don't you buy them a coffee just because? Maybe leave them a jar of pickles on their doorstep?  All the goofy, sweet and wonderful things that make people feel treasured. Do these.  

Before the grey curtain starts to roll back....

Before Aslan steps into view....

...and you know that nothing that you experienced on Earth will compare to what you now know to be true.....

Eternity is where life is. 

A GIft Unwrapped

I wonder if you journal or periodically, reflect.

I find that it is a consistent pattern in my life that October and November always bring change.  I then wonder if fall makes me restless or if fall is a natural segue.

October
I was married 2004
I had child one 2005
I had child two 2007
Bought our first home 2008
Broke my first bone 2009
Ryan was deployed 2009
Ryan came home 2010

November
Left my longest held job (6 years) - 2002
First trip to upstate NY/Ryan relocated  2012
Left my second longest held job (5 years) 2017
Lost/left one of my favorite jobs in 2018

In just those few lines lays much of my life.  I can see heartache, joy, uncertainty.  Change.

I am finally wrapping up my pending journey this week.  I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful experience.  I created and found my space in the midst of a diverse, intelligent group of techies.  This would be the last place I would expect to fit.  Not only do I fit, I am loved.  I have been able to build a community and they are sad to see me go as I am sad to leave.  It truly makes a difference when you enjoy the work of your hands and you can make an impact and touch the life of another simply by coming to work.  I am so much smarter than a year ago - I finally understand the complex work that my husband is involved in.  I know what EUV is, what it does, and what it looks like.  Osmosis has been amazing - plasma, droplets, source, reticle, wafer stage ain't got nothing on me.  Technology has eluded me my entire life and I now believe it isn't impossible for me to take hold of it and use it.  I have gained so much confidence and it feels wonderful when people rely on you and implicitly trust that you can get the job done.  In almost every other role I have held, there is a limit to trust and there is not the freedom to be myself and use all the skills that I possess.   I have always felt caged, locked into a certain expectation and delivery that is someone else's idea of what it should look like. Here I was given free reign and my soul blossomed. 

What I take away from the dutch culture is directness.  Look someone in the eye and say exactly what you mean.  If you don't know what you're doing, say so.  We will get you the training you need.  If you believe you can take that action and lead the measure, do so.  We will expect you to deliver and leave you to it.  Americans are so much less direct, to our own detriment I would say.  We worry about offending, and we him and haw, and often that leads to miscommunication.  That being said, directness can take on a bit of a sour tone, because if they don't like what you are doing or have done, you will certainly know, even if there is an audience to hear it.  But.  When they pay you a compliment, it means tenfold because they do not waste words.  In my observation, they are very decisive people.  I have taken these lessons to heart and it has only been the better for me.

I have had the privilege of meeting people from all around the world.  People from many walks of life, countries and cultures have stopped by my desk and I have picked up the ability to understand heavy accents.  Heretofore, that was a bit of a struggle for me and it's never easy when you have to keep saying  "I'm sorry, what?"   (However, that dutch directness means you power through until you absolutely understand.  There is very limited (none) just smiling/nodding.)  

As I look to what is next and wind down the last couple days...  I'm super sad.  I'm super grateful.   Twelve months ago God gave me a gift at just the exact moment I needed it.   I'm a better employee and person because of it.

Thanks, colleagues and friends, you have made me so content and I have rested.

With a full heart I head into the next season.....

Theology

As a reflective writer, as a writer of personal narrative, I share my thoughts and feelings through this blog.  I do not write for personal attention nor do I write to please an audience.  Novels are written for an audience, but personal narratives are different..  I don't have to write to please others; I am not required to sugar-coat my feelings or beliefs.  You are welcome to read or pass by.  What I say here is mine to say.  What I share is mine to share.  You can read through my posts and see glimpses and pieces of my soul.  There is nothing more personal than that. 

If you come to know me personally, you will will know that I am extremely opinionated and share those opinions quite frequently. My opinions are not always popular and in this current world they will, and are, becoming even less so.

I love Jesus.  It is the kind of life changing faith that when gun to my head I should have the courage to say, "Yes, I believe in the eternal, living God" because my denial of that fact would be a far greater travesty than the loss of my physical life.

I am more and more sure that I am falling short, that my life now looks like everyone else's.  I wonder if you look at me would you see anything different?  I don't refer to attending church every Sunday; which in the capital district is not a common occurrence.  I refer to my values, to my words, to my commitments, to what I invest my time, to my actions.  Do I look like everyone else?  Do I sound like everyone else?  It should not be, and yet sometimes, I fear it is.  I sometimes lose my temper.  I sometimes need distance from people.  I sometimes say things I ought not.

In scripture it is clear that if you are following the teachings of Jesus Christ, you will probably not be popular.  The world does not understand the message; therefore it is difficult for them to understand the messenger.  More and more I see this is the case.

I want all my friends to join me in heaven, but I cannot by sheer force of will make them believe.  Only the God who sees their heart can open their eyes.  God is love.  Pure, big, open-armed love.  But He is also holy.  The is message that the world cannot understand: holiness and sin cannot co-exist.  There is sin.  And there is a Savior.  And when you give your sin to the Savior, the peace and freedom that forever will be yours.....is beyond price.  Our world is so sure that everything is okay.  Everything is truth. There are only a few wrong things like murder of an eight year old child because of course we can all be in agreement about that.  But your beliefs?  Yeah, whatever will be, is.  If you think its okay, then it is and thereby, we all will make it to heaven in our own strength if we just try to do "some good" to our neighbor.  We are not humble to consider our own faults.  We consider ourselves wise. And by that clear line, many will miss Jesus.  Friend, you must become small so that you can see how big is God.

Take some quiet moments to let the noise of the world fade.  Take some quiet moments to consider the reality of a Savior who loves you.  Take some time to ponder the deep, internal nature of your heart.  Be honest.  What's in there is not naturally good.  There is anger, bitterness, hate, greed, lust, and many other things.  Imagine the weight of those. Gone forever in the ocean of God's forgiveness and mercy.  Imagine freedom.  Imagine eternity, heaven, with Jesus and me. 

Theology is the biggest issue of your life.  Theology determines your destiny and it is likely one of the things you consider the least.    It certainly is not often talked about over a pizza.

What is your theology?  What will you do with Jesus?  It's an extremely important question for Thursday.

I am currently convicted that my theology does not alway rule my actions.  I pray that it would be so. May it ever be the center of my life and focus.  May God increase my love for those whom he loves.  May I see always see others with His eyes.  Full of compassion and mercy even when they despise me.  It's difficult to always love others, but it is the truest test.  I will be known by my love or lack thereof.