Expressing the Inexpressible

“After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.”

This quote has been on my mind.

As a writer, it is important to fill and empty the heart.  To express one's self. 

I'm currently stuck in a place where my heart is full yet I feel unable to write.  I will write what I can.  

Sometimes silence conveys what the heart cannot.  Sometimes the silence between two individuals speaks volumes.  For good or bad.  When I feel too much I am always at a great loss of words.  I can only hope you read my heart well. 

Sometimes music takes the place of silence.  Music gives our soul a voice when words fail. 

Death is a path we all must take. On the other side of the curtain is eternity, and we each have decisions to make about what that will look like for us.

The aftermath, though, of this path for those who remain is filled with questions, pain, anger, uncertainty, and almost always, regret. 

I have run the course of emotion this past week.  I have faltered my way through the days longing for clarity.  I have understood a pain heretofore unknown.  I have not known my place. I have held my tongue. I have said too much. 

Grief is a process that you either experience or observe.  If you are an observer, there is precious little you can do for the experiencer.  Your task as an observer is to show up, consistently, and embrace the journey.  

It is largely a thankless job.  You will be called upon without notice and you may be dropped without consideration. 

Grief is long, it ebbs and flows, it can be all consuming or a dull, buried ache that manifests randomly.

The one who walks through grief does not know the way. 

The one who observes.  This one.  Stood before holy God and vowed to have, to hold, to love, to honor, to cherish. 

The one who observes will hold your hand and walk through the darkness. With you. Although I also do not know the way.  

For now.  Music.  

The Grey Rain Curtain

I haven't written in ever so long....

So many thoughts I have wanted to express and not quite the right moments to capture and pin them down.  

I am longing for a little computer of my own so that I can write to my heart's content without sharing or making special request. As it is, it's extra work to get the opportunity to use one.  Have you heard of a thing called Fortnite?  It's just fine, mommies make sacrifices all the time.  But do you know that I type all this on my phone?!  

It is quiet and calm tonight.  It is cold and dark.  And I daresay a little lonely.  But in this environment I can find rest for my body, and for my soul. 

I struggle greatly with getting rest.  I feel tired most of the time.  I think it is, in part, due to the major sinus issues I have developed the past six months.  I feel my heartbeat in my ear all the time. I can't ever hear what people are saying.  I can't breathe through my nose. This leads to very poor sleep.  

It's ideal right now that it is the perfect weather for hibernation.  I'm rather happy to hole up and introvert.  I just came across a reminder of what one of my favorite pharmacist buddies said to me in late 2013.  Jim said, "No one will ever make the mistake of pegging you as an introvert." It's true, I usually get energy from being with others, but currently I feel like I could enjoy introverting for a bit.

The exception to this is family, chosen or blood.  No one pours into me or fills my love bucket like my family.  My aunties ran me ragged in Atlanta for four days straight last weekend.  It was nonstop talking, concerts, puzzles, baking, eating, talking, walking.  And I inhaled every moment of every single day.  It was so refreshing.  It was just what I didn't know I needed.  It solidified my firm belief that my people live in the south.  Strangers just pulled me into a hug and welcomed me enthusiastically.  Yes, these are my people and one day I will leave the northeast behind me.

We're approaching a new year.  Do you wonder what it holds?  I do.  I wonder all the time what is ahead.  I know my last baby will leave elementary years behind.  I know my oldest will begin his last year of middle school.  I know I will turn 39.  And that is about all that is certain. And, frankly, that is not even certain.  I might die before three weeks of the new year have passed. 

Death is sobering, is it not? A voice is silent. Eyes no longer sparkle. Love is no longer read in a face. 

It is an end to a period of time that a soul has occupied a body here on Earth, and a moment when that soul finds itself in a new place.  For the believer, that is heaven...

"The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass, and then you see it.....  White shores, and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise."

All our days are numbered, dear readers, and there is not a blessed thing we can do to change it. We do well to look to it.  To understand that all our purposes here are directed toward the end.  To the day the grey curtain rolls back.  

I hope you will think about it this week.  Who are the people you love?  Why don't you tell them?  Why don't you send them a card?  Why don't you buy them a coffee just because? Maybe leave them a jar of pickles on their doorstep?  All the goofy, sweet and wonderful things that make people feel treasured. Do these.  

Before the grey curtain starts to roll back....

Before Aslan steps into view....

...and you know that nothing that you experienced on Earth will compare to what you now know to be true.....

Eternity is where life is. 

A GIft Unwrapped

I wonder if you journal or periodically, reflect.

I find that it is a consistent pattern in my life that October and November always bring change.  I then wonder if fall makes me restless or if fall is a natural segue.

October
I was married 2004
I had child one 2005
I had child two 2007
Bought our first home 2008
Broke my first bone 2009
Ryan was deployed 2009
Ryan came home 2010

November
Left my longest held job (6 years) - 2002
First trip to upstate NY/Ryan relocated  2012
Left my second longest held job (5 years) 2017
Lost/left one of my favorite jobs in 2018

In just those few lines lays much of my life.  I can see heartache, joy, uncertainty.  Change.

I am finally wrapping up my pending journey this week.  I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful experience.  I created and found my space in the midst of a diverse, intelligent group of techies.  This would be the last place I would expect to fit.  Not only do I fit, I am loved.  I have been able to build a community and they are sad to see me go as I am sad to leave.  It truly makes a difference when you enjoy the work of your hands and you can make an impact and touch the life of another simply by coming to work.  I am so much smarter than a year ago - I finally understand the complex work that my husband is involved in.  I know what EUV is, what it does, and what it looks like.  Osmosis has been amazing - plasma, droplets, source, reticle, wafer stage ain't got nothing on me.  Technology has eluded me my entire life and I now believe it isn't impossible for me to take hold of it and use it.  I have gained so much confidence and it feels wonderful when people rely on you and implicitly trust that you can get the job done.  In almost every other role I have held, there is a limit to trust and there is not the freedom to be myself and use all the skills that I possess.   I have always felt caged, locked into a certain expectation and delivery that is someone else's idea of what it should look like. Here I was given free reign and my soul blossomed. 

What I take away from the dutch culture is directness.  Look someone in the eye and say exactly what you mean.  If you don't know what you're doing, say so.  We will get you the training you need.  If you believe you can take that action and lead the measure, do so.  We will expect you to deliver and leave you to it.  Americans are so much less direct, to our own detriment I would say.  We worry about offending, and we him and haw, and often that leads to miscommunication.  That being said, directness can take on a bit of a sour tone, because if they don't like what you are doing or have done, you will certainly know, even if there is an audience to hear it.  But.  When they pay you a compliment, it means tenfold because they do not waste words.  In my observation, they are very decisive people.  I have taken these lessons to heart and it has only been the better for me.

I have had the privilege of meeting people from all around the world.  People from many walks of life, countries and cultures have stopped by my desk and I have picked up the ability to understand heavy accents.  Heretofore, that was a bit of a struggle for me and it's never easy when you have to keep saying  "I'm sorry, what?"   (However, that dutch directness means you power through until you absolutely understand.  There is very limited (none) just smiling/nodding.)  

As I look to what is next and wind down the last couple days...  I'm super sad.  I'm super grateful.   Twelve months ago God gave me a gift at just the exact moment I needed it.   I'm a better employee and person because of it.

Thanks, colleagues and friends, you have made me so content and I have rested.

With a full heart I head into the next season.....

Theology

As a reflective writer, as a writer of personal narrative, I share my thoughts and feelings through this blog.  I do not write for personal attention nor do I write to please an audience.  Novels are written for an audience, but personal narratives are different..  I don't have to write to please others; I am not required to sugar-coat my feelings or beliefs.  You are welcome to read or pass by.  What I say here is mine to say.  What I share is mine to share.  You can read through my posts and see glimpses and pieces of my soul.  There is nothing more personal than that. 

If you come to know me personally, you will will know that I am extremely opinionated and share those opinions quite frequently. My opinions are not always popular and in this current world they will, and are, becoming even less so.

I love Jesus.  It is the kind of life changing faith that when gun to my head I should have the courage to say, "Yes, I believe in the eternal, living God" because my denial of that fact would be a far greater travesty than the loss of my physical life.

I am more and more sure that I am falling short, that my life now looks like everyone else's.  I wonder if you look at me would you see anything different?  I don't refer to attending church every Sunday; which in the capital district is not a common occurrence.  I refer to my values, to my words, to my commitments, to what I invest my time, to my actions.  Do I look like everyone else?  Do I sound like everyone else?  It should not be, and yet sometimes, I fear it is.  I sometimes lose my temper.  I sometimes need distance from people.  I sometimes say things I ought not.

In scripture it is clear that if you are following the teachings of Jesus Christ, you will probably not be popular.  The world does not understand the message; therefore it is difficult for them to understand the messenger.  More and more I see this is the case.

I want all my friends to join me in heaven, but I cannot by sheer force of will make them believe.  Only the God who sees their heart can open their eyes.  God is love.  Pure, big, open-armed love.  But He is also holy.  The is message that the world cannot understand: holiness and sin cannot co-exist.  There is sin.  And there is a Savior.  And when you give your sin to the Savior, the peace and freedom that forever will be yours.....is beyond price.  Our world is so sure that everything is okay.  Everything is truth. There are only a few wrong things like murder of an eight year old child because of course we can all be in agreement about that.  But your beliefs?  Yeah, whatever will be, is.  If you think its okay, then it is and thereby, we all will make it to heaven in our own strength if we just try to do "some good" to our neighbor.  We are not humble to consider our own faults.  We consider ourselves wise. And by that clear line, many will miss Jesus.  Friend, you must become small so that you can see how big is God.

Take some quiet moments to let the noise of the world fade.  Take some quiet moments to consider the reality of a Savior who loves you.  Take some time to ponder the deep, internal nature of your heart.  Be honest.  What's in there is not naturally good.  There is anger, bitterness, hate, greed, lust, and many other things.  Imagine the weight of those. Gone forever in the ocean of God's forgiveness and mercy.  Imagine freedom.  Imagine eternity, heaven, with Jesus and me. 

Theology is the biggest issue of your life.  Theology determines your destiny and it is likely one of the things you consider the least.    It certainly is not often talked about over a pizza.

What is your theology?  What will you do with Jesus?  It's an extremely important question for Thursday.

I am currently convicted that my theology does not alway rule my actions.  I pray that it would be so. May it ever be the center of my life and focus.  May God increase my love for those whom he loves.  May I see always see others with His eyes.  Full of compassion and mercy even when they despise me.  It's difficult to always love others, but it is the truest test.  I will be known by my love or lack thereof.

Same November

Saturdays are my new favorite day.  It's one of the only times during the week that can be dedicated to some time for just me.  Today I spent most of the day doing nothing in particular.  Some laundry.  Some cooking. Birthday party running. And nothing.  It feels like I wasted time but it also feels like I didn't have enough of nothing. 

I'm not sure how I reached another November and I'm in almost exactly the same place as I was last year.  I'm the same tired.  I'm the same stressed.  I'm the same teary eyed.  I'm the same unhappy. I thought I would be in such a different place when I looked ahead in time.  It's disappointing to find its the same.  

I think I must be doing something wrong to always find myself in a repeated pattern of stress.  Is anyone else in this boat?  Am I the only one who seems to be on cycle repeat? Each day is another day to check items off and sometimes that feels like accomplishment -  yippee - moreover it feels like a merry-go-round that I cannot get off. 

Did you ever ride a merry-go-round? It was the hottest recess ticket at Clinton Elementary.  You better believe I handled the start-up of that like a boss, skirts and pigtails flying.  I would hop on at the last possible moment that my feet could not keep up, and I was barely hanging on.  I would lay there, close my eyes, and breathe, then look at my best friend and start giggling.  

As an adult it doesn't feel nearly as exciting.  It feels overwhelming.  The barely hanging on feels like failure.  How can I be in the same place?  Is God repeatedly giving me the same lesson or am I an idiot who keeps walking in the same circle or is this what the whole world is doing? Are we all just riding a merry-go-round of chaos?  

I'm discouraged and disheartened.  I'm guessing and hoping this season will be shorter lived.  But maybe it's just the way of living and raising teenagers in today's world.  Maybe it's chaos for everyone.  

Maybe the key is finding and holding onto the friends who will hang on with you.  Who will giggle and cry and offer french vanilla coffee and a warm hug.  

Reach out to your friends tonight.  Maybe they too are having the same November.  Maybe a word from you is just what they need to close their eyes and breathe. 

To Those Who Suffer

How many times have you been able to share your story?  We all have a story, dear readers, we all have bits and pieces, or slices of life that often lay buried deep within sad and aching hearts. Somewhere we learn to be quiet and I just haven't quite figured out where that is, and perhaps it varies by the person.  I have seen it so often, though, hurting people with deeply buried grief. Somewhere on our journey it was found best to stem the tide of emotion, so individually we suffer in silence until the very moment we are unable to hold back. And in our then expressed pain, we often hurt others.  

We are well into the crisp season of the year that rapidly ends in decay.  It truly is my favorite season but I don't like pumpkin anything, except pie and candles.  Ryan likes to tell me that I don't quite fit the mold because "You like leggings, boots, and coffee."  Agreed. But pumpkin coffee, latte, tea, muffins, cookies are not my thing.  All too soon the cold bitter winds will blow across open fields and between city skyscrapers and bring swirling droplets of frozen precipitation to blanket the damp, dead ground.  It is the perfect time for you and I to pull up a chair with our steaming mugs of brewed tea and have a heart to heart.  Fall and Winter are perfect for stories.  You will find that in the sharing of stories, deep relationships are formed and healing can truly begin. 

Would you not agree that there is a lot of anger and pain in our world.  Can you see it?  Can you feel it?  Often the anger is kindled so quickly as if one match was lit and the whole field suddenly caught fire.  Still further you find individuals jump on bandwagons without discretion or full disclosure of the situation at hand.  "Oh my! Yep, that sounds really terrible so I too, will be angry about that and re-post and re-sensationalize." Humans naturally react from our gut rather than our head. Initially.  It takes anywhere from sixty seconds to forty-six hours for us to process with logic versus gut. Give or take. You catch my drift. It is into this type of worldview and approach that I speak.

Dear friend, as we sit in the warm glow of candlelight - and for kicks let's just say it is pumpkin scented - as we sit and sip our peppermint tea, can I look you straight in the eye and share from my heart?

I find some distaste in the current mood and setting that I see perpetuated as it relates to women, "me too," and movements that further evolve from this. What I see is a lot of anger.  A lot of pain.  And perhaps a lot more affected by these types of abuse than we ever realized.  What I also see is while we "want to bring awareness" and "stop cycles of abuse," we are dangerously close to losing our ability to be rational as a whole.  I see a mob of hurting people screaming a message that aims not so much at healing as retribution.  Angry people often want the latter rather than the former, but it is the former that will bring the most relief.  Please do not misunderstand me to imply that I believe this type of behavior should continue because that would be far from the truth. I do understand some of the agenda is to create some change.  My desire here is to speak into the hearts of those who suffer. To sidestep the loud, angry outbursts and accusations and speak directly to....the heart.

People in immense pain, when focused on that pain and when that pain is allowed to rule, are not rational.  As a victim myself I can share that no one is in more personal pain than a survivor of any type of sexual abuse.  It creates big, gaping holes in your soul.  It steals your dignity.  Your pride. Your joy.  Your safety.  Your comfort. Once encountered, the path you will now traverse is different than the one you would have otherwise been on.  It covers your whole life in shame and unimaginable anger that is forcefully fueled by an overwhelming sense of injustice. 

I look at "me too" and see lots of hurting people that fit this description.  I look around me in the everyday crowd and see people that fit this description.  It breaks my heart. Because I know what it is to be you.  I know what it is to feel all of these things.  If you read my blog post "We Hide Pain," I talk about how we keep pain close to the chest.  We keep it in the dark where no one can look at us like we are suffering or we are different.  Can I say, dear friends, as we sit here in the darkening of evening, with our tea almost gone and the leaves swirling in air, can I suggest that you share your story?  Whatever situation or story it is that brings you deep, deep pain.  At least twice, maybe three times, try to share your story with all its painful details.  Not an overview.  Not the highlights.  Those deep, gut wrenching details that you play over and over again when it's 2am and you should be sleeping. Those things that haunt you in the night, bring them into the day where they can hold no sway.  The smells, the sounds.  Paint the picture that I know you remember.  It is in the sharing that you will begin to release pain, I promise you.  You don't need to stand up with a mob of people, but if you must, make sure it is for the right reasons.  You can choose - and I more strongly encourage this - to sit in quiet dignity over a cup of tea with a friend and start to un-bury some grief.  I think in time you will be glad that you did. You will find more long term relief and satisfaction in healing than in retribution or revenge. You will start to let go of that anger to opt for the peace of being understood, free, and loved right where you are.  Letting go of the anger will likely be the most difficult part, for it is what fuels your drive and will to survive and overcome.  The way you will tightly hold onto anger and hate like a warm blanket is almost innate and beyond your ability to control.  In the end you will find that perhaps you'd rather not let that go, because when you do, that one last thing you have will be gone. Everything will have been taken from you and you will be empty.  But that emptiness that you will feel...   It can be filled again.  With good and better things. 

I am by no means licensed for therapy or anything related, but I know where I once was and where I am today are two entirely different places.  This journey of life is meant to be shared, and by so doing, we are able to continue to walk.  If we walked alone we would at times like this find we are unable to continue. I decided awhile ago that I am in this life to be as authentic as I can be, and in so doing do my best to point toward Jesus who alone can heal all the wounds in our soul. There would have been a point in my life that to share or hint at any of this would have come at great personal cost, but today it actually doesn't really cost me much. In sharing with others, in helping others who suffer the same, I have found great peace.

If you do happen to read the other post I referenced, you will also note it is about labels. I have had many, many labels in this lifetime.  Some have been extremely painful and deeply scarring, "Negligent Parent" and "Survivor" are among the worst.

But only God's label for me (and you) is all that lives through eternity - loved, worthy, forgiven and free. 



Word of Caution:

Please carefully note the heart in which this was written.  It is written for the concern and well being of others and not myself, therefore please be sure that your comments are appropriate for the subject matter.  Please refrain from asking or commenting about welfare or sympathy, noting again, the intention of the post.

Rain Filled Thoughts

As I sloshed through puddles, dodging raindrops, and making a beeline for the elementary school door, my right shoe filled up with water.  The sole has separated and it's certainly a sign of things to come. 

I wanted so much to squeeze my newly eleven-year old son when I saw him enter the school office this morning.  I wanted to hold him close remembering this day eleven years ago that was filled with so much anxiety and loneliness.  With the balance of life and death ever present but often forgotten this day reminds me that I was gifted.  As I lay lonely, shaking and bleeding, my son was gasping for air somewhere in the hospital with his dad.  As I look at my adolescent son today, I see that small peanut, with the tiniest tookus, struggling. I hear his breath sounds and it's not good.  My arms feel empty because he is not in them.  Not then.  Not today.  Today, I must respect his independence as a young man. 

Tomorrow my eldest son will become a teenager.  Thirteen years have passed since I spent several hours trying to give him life.  Thirteen years since that squalling baby was placed on my belly and I stared into his red, screaming face and thought, "I'm going to remember this moment forever so what should I be thinking and feeling right now?"  And that is exactly what I remember.  Me laying there trying to decide and make sure that I was thinking and feeling the way that is expected of me.   Am I doing it right?  Will I do it right?   His smile has always been magnetic and it remains.  We definitely have eye rolls moving into the neighborhood but something tells me we're going to make it.

I've been wading through water since this morning.  The rain has increased in intensity and my feet are wet and freezing.  I'm bemoaning that I can't seem to throw away my favorite coats and shoes until it's really past the time.  What my problem is I can't say.  Attachment issues?  Abandonment?  Separation anxiety?  Perhaps so.  I was not born to be lonely and without what I love. 

Sometimes the sacrifices we make to keep people and things together are just that.  Sometimes we wade through puddles and dodge the raindrops of this life and its moments and we feel cold, empty, sad, heart-broken, unfulfilled. 

When I look into two pairs of deep blue eyes.  When I see that magnetic smile and that GQ hair.  When I want to squeeze my kids but refrain.  I know that the labor all those years ago and since has been a sacrificial labor of love.  I'm up for the task.  The years I have left ahead are but few and I will gladly shelve anything else to enjoy these final seasons with son one and son two. 

Finding the Joy of Choosing

Friends.  I had to pull out my old lady glasses today.  I find that when my eyes are so tired I am unable to focus without them.  I also see upon closer inspection a lot of grey hairs in there.  What you can't see is my death grip on a sippy cup of sweet tea.  I don't get excited about wine.  I don't need wine.  I have needs for coffee and sweet tea.  Especially when it's time to share my heart...

If you have been following along on social media or even through this blog, you will know that I am in a period of transition coupled with intense exhaustion.  But, what has been so interesting to me is that I feel I am more organized than ever.  I'm not quite sure how that can be exactly since we are all going in various directions.  For maybe the first time ever, I am trying to ensure that all the members of my family eat a good breakfast before they head out the door.  I think it has really helped my kids because left up to their own devices they might not eat very much.  Naturally, I run out of time to eat myself because I couldn't get up soon enough for all that.  I am not home 3/4 of the main weeknight meals so that is specifically scheduled and laid out for the family to prepare.  I will take a moment to be honest to share that if there was not an option for "curbside grocery pick-up" all bets would be off here.  It really saves me time. 

When I hit these busy cycles in my life what frustrates me most is how easily I make the decison to let go of the things that make me happy. If I have to choose between making waffles and writing, well, it's going to be waffles. I'm always going to choose somebody or something else rather than myself. 

This phase has been wonderfully refreshing even though it has been an expenditure of emotion, thought, effort.  I am finding the joy of choosing.  Let me say that again.  I am finding the joy of choosing.  Do you know what it is to choose?  To not just make a decision that is a natural flow of being in a role, such as wife, mother, employee.  To reflect and freely make a choice.  To go against the grain of obligation.  I make decisions all the time, multiple times per day.  But I rarely choose.

I am finding the strength to choose: me. 

I am finding that God is providing.  He is providing so many options and people to meet me here.  Wise people with wonderful, encouraging words. People that I have just met are loving me in real, tangible ways.  Options are pouring in for things that are suited for what I enjoy.  I could never have imagined such a flood.  I have been so very loved and embraced during this phase.

God pours out, friends. In every season.  He pours out because He loves us so.  I remain ever so grateful for the journey and for a Saviour that gives me more than I deserve.   

Reflective Rest

This weekend has been scheduled for emptying the heart. I intend to do a lot of writing.

Today, I have been able to rest after a very busy few weeks.  Last weekend I was able to be lead a committee to host our church picnic. It was so much work.  It really was.  12 hours before it was scheduled to start I had decided I definitely took on too much.  Because.  When I take on such a task, my family is automatically required to give as much as myself.  My husband and sons worked so very hard alongside me Saturday and Sunday, and this was not something to which they had committed.  Exhausted as I was, as much sweat as was pouring my back, I really was having so much fun.  Welcoming people.  Serving them food. Working to ensure they had a wonderful time.  I simply can't express how much joy I receive in those types of moments.  When we collapsed on the couch at 8pm on Sunday, after serving well over 200 people, I did suggest to my sweet family I would not take this task on next year.  I think they are equally hopeful and disbelieving.

Today is beautifully scheduled with candles, music, laundry, bleach, brooms, breeze, movies and blankets.

The weeks have been busy and emotional.  I feel as though I have met the demands fairly well as every day is one long checklist of items and I have marked most of them off.  I am so proud of how my children have settled into the routine of school this year.  It has been one of our easiest and best years yet.  I was quite happy and then realized it was just one more sign that my kids are getting older.   You really are not considered young when you have kids in middle school, high school, college.  I have definitely crossed over so now with my pride comes a little downer. Hum, I thought today as I heard a child of no more than two or three years old tell her mother she peed her pants.  The mother was exasperated of course. I wanted so much to tell her what she probably already knows but can't see in the moment.  One day you trade physical needs for hormonal/maturity ones and then one day more trade hormonal/maturity ones for car keys and apartments.

I feel wonderful in the moments of doing life.  I find so much joy in serving others. Being busy is fulfilling.  But in the quiet moments, such as today, I began to mourn the passing of time.  How is it we are back to jackets and bonfires?  How is another wedding anniversary and kids' birthday season upon us?  How is it?

My son will be a teenager in a couple weeks.  Which means the days of asking for the car keys are not that far in the future.  Which means I am safely in the "suburban mom" category and would not possibly be assigned to any other one.  I'm deep in the fall of life configuring menus, cellos, and schedules.  I'm deeply satisfied with this category for in this arena I am needed and loved.  Time moves ever so swiftly; grey hairs continue to come; wisdom through trials is gained; and my heart grows gentler and softer.  

My heart wants to hold onto moments as the weeks fly by.  I've been trying to connect with friends, but, indeed, everyone else is also in busy seasons.  I raise my cup of tea to you this day, dear readers and friends.  Gentle are the tears that water the places in my heart where you reside. Gentle, tired, suburban mom tears.  Come, let me hold you close.  For tomorrow you will be gone.

Getting What You Want

When I have the opportunity, I love to be wrapped in warmth and heaviness.  (This is why I love hugs and you can hold me for a long time and I will not complain.  I usually withdraw first because I don't want to overstay my welcome....but I digress on the fine art of the hug....) We are approaching the time when it is most convenient to feel weighted blankets on the body and allow the pressure to ease tension.

Pressing adjectives that would currently describe my life:  exhausted, uncertain, confident, busy, accomplished, aging.  Despite that last description, I am basically a teenager right now. I might have a bump or two on my face to prove it.  Seriously?  Zits at 40?!  Who knew that was a thing?  Feelings that are opposite are juxtaposed together to sum up one day.  I rapidly transition from one to the next with hardly a break in between. 

As I walk day-to-day what I find most interesting is my internal responses are not what I expect them to be.  Yes, I am discouraged at the loss of my job because I have so enjoyed it; yes, I am somewhat uncertain about the future; but, I am also quite confident that I do not have to accept less than what I want.  I feel my value.  Let me repeat that again:  I feel my value. Perhaps for the first time in my life.  Feeling is completely different than seeing; few things compare to this peace.

I have recently been in contact with one of my former direct reports, and she makes me feel like myself. The idea is that while you might not necessarily be similar to someone else, there is an understanding of your nature that hangs in the air.   Do you know what that is? You can speak minimally, implying a statement, and it is readily understood and a comment comes back forthwith.  Morgan is such a person.  She is young, slender, outdoorsy, unorganized (self admitted) and frankly, might swear a lot.  All the things I am not, but I love her. I just so much enjoy working alongside her.  We have a very natural understanding of each other, with a portion of the relationship being a type of mentorship. 

Into this relationship I walk, a few nights a week.  Always I am greeted with, "How much time did you spend on indeed today?"  For the next little while, I regale her with the tales of job hunting.  We have a lot of laughs, almost all of them at my expense, which when you are in your safe zone is as natural as breathing. One particular day, I was really interested in a post about a vault processor.  I read through all the qualifications and was certain I was the right one for the job.  I enjoyed my time as vault teller (minus all the selling and other office issues)  Give me privacy, pile of cash and transactions to work through, and I'm good to go.  I'm very efficient.  I was all set to hit "apply" when my eye caught one outstanding thing. 

"You'll never guess what was on the docket today," I tell Morgan.  She was anxious to hear, and in that pivotal moment, unable to keep a straight face, I ruined the delivery.

Straight up, armed detail. 

Have you met me? 

I can no more shoot a gun than accurately throw a baseball. 

She laughed for a solid five minutes as I attempted to sell myself as a liason for armored cash transport.  I am gifted with words most of the time.  I usually never come away from an interview feeling that I have not succeeded in the appropriate giving and getting of information.  I gave many solid reasons and I think I for sure sold a couple other local friends who stopped by.  We all could definitely picture me hopping out of the back of the truck with my cash bag, guns, belts, and the like.

After we all stopped laughing.  And lying.  Morgan said,  "I am really sorry that this is happening to you, but I am enjoying all the stories that are coming from it."

Indeed.

This is a gentle reminder to me that people are always watching.  They observe how you react.  They listen to your words and your tone.  They watch to see if you are gracious.  I think our most defining moments come right here, right in the uncertain, teenage moments.  Just when all the zits are popping out, you have bags under your eyes because you work too many hours, and you have to go out and sell yourself to someone who does not know you.  You can cry because it really is unfair.  (and I have)  You can also choose to build through this time.  I found I have more of a network than I ever realized; numerous people have sent job listings and referrals.  I have received so much love.  I have found a most captive audience for all the eye-rolling and telling of stories, which is what every writer deeply desires. 

Guess what?  This is my moment.  This is when I get to empty my heart.  This is when I get to influence.   To impact.  To share.  To write! 

So this moment is....profound.

Angela is just where she wants to be, but the moment, as is almost always the case, is different than she imagined.  Getting what you want is complicated.

This moment is wrapped in warmth and heaviness.  And comfort.

Timing Take Two

I recently made the statement that 'timing is everything." It rings especially true this week in a less desirable approach.  Sometimes we don't understand the timing of events, and it is when we do not understand that we disapprove of the statement.  More often we like to tout it when all is going according to the plan we have set, or when we see a set of positive circumstances shaping up for ourselves.  "This must be what I've been waiting on - great! Timing is everything."

Gentle and beloved readers, it is actually all the more verifiable when it is not a desired outcome.  When things are not going well and the rug is pulled out from under us.  "A fine kettle of fish" is something I would have heard in a past life and frankly something that might pass my lips from time to time. 

Timing is everything.  Which means when your express train makes a hard stop midway toward the destination, it gives you pause.  And when you are hungry, tired and ready for the safety and respite of your home fire, it feels, unsettling.  Then. The more you consider your options it becomes downright terrifying.  Why did the train stop here?  Are we out of fuel? What went wrong? Did I not pay my way?  Does the conductor need help?

I have been steadily working toward a goal, friends, and I, in fact, have confirmation that I should receive the prize for which I have worked.  I was to be offered a job but this week brings the news that I will very likely lose this opportunity to extraneous circumstances.  In my lifetime, I have never been fired. I have never been let go.  I went through one "rightsizing" and just prior to the actual event they forced (very, very strongly encouraged) me to take a different role that no one wanted because it was a tough job.  I reluctantly agreed and two days later my entire team of 15+ was gone without goodbye.  Have you heard of survivors guilt?  It is definitely a thing and it did not feel right to have perhaps been "chosen" when I should have been included.  I cried while I watched them pack up the plants and notebooks of my lunch crew, and I never saw them again. 

Timing is everything.  While I keep repeating to myself that this is not a performance issue, the sting is no less, because I have not accomplished the goal for which I set out.  I took a calculated risk, gave up vacation, holiday time, steady income for what in the end would be better. 

My initial reaction is to say, "Well, see, it never pays to jump in the deep water." Or. "I tried a new role that I was uncertain about and instead of flying I plummeted to the ground, lesson learned."

We would never tell our children, "Aim low, Bud, aim low and you will merely sustain through life but at least you are sustaining." It's ludicrous.  We tell our graduates: "Aim for the sky! Jump! Experience!  You don't think you qualify? Try anyway!" 

Somewhere between eighteen and forty we start to change what we believe about ourselves and our potential.  I have had to talk to myself repeatedly over the last several days.

What is important about the timing of the current events I can't say. But it doesn't seem like this train will reach the confort of the home fire but instead will be redirected momentarily.

I'm extremely disappointed, but my tears are now all but dry, and I look to see what the next track will be. 

I hope I fly.

The Doors of Life

Fear does not get the last word in this life.  Do you believe that?  Pain, sadness and all the other emotions also do not get the last word.

Today I am starting to close my eyes on a dream. The realization that I am about to let go of something for which I have longed and worked.  It should not be quite so painful, but it is.  I am experiencing what it means to be humbled.

In an equal measure I see what it means to have a Father who works in our behalf. Who closes doors and opens them to orchestrate plans that are for our good.  Things that I could not foresee, changes for which I was not prepared, He looked ahead in time and clearly slammed a door and opened another.  It might be the first time in my life I have witnessed such a direct outcome.

Life is all about transitions.  Today I am humbled. Today I am aching.  Today I sit again in the waiting room to see what will be in store.  I have my hankie in hand and a grateful heart for all the opened and closed doors of this life.  It is nothing short of incredible the things I have been granted and the things from which I have been kept.  It all ties into one winding and  beautiful journey with all  my steps leading home.

It's Out There

Often I start writing in the middle of a thought.  Random words and ideas tumble in tumultuous fashion while my fingers fly around the keyboard.  Side note: a computer is so much easier than a pen, is that right?  I certainly cannot simultaneously write quickly and well, by hand.  Since this is a blog, it almost has a better feel to start in the middle of nowhere.  It is raw and relevant and real as opposed to polished, coiffed and perhaps a bit snooty.  I feel like we know one another, dear readers, or at least, that you know me.  Perhaps you would be able to pick me out of a crowd even if we had never laid eyes upon each other.  I'm the one with expressive blue eyes in which you can read all of my soul.  I'm the one that I hope you will see down the road and off to the right, engaging in witty banter, dodging zingers, and laughing.  I hope I'm in the company of good friends.  The kind that you can slip up beside, grab a hand, squeeze, and let the silence communicate the weighted volume that words cannot.  I hope you would come up, dear friend, and introduce yourself knowing that we can probably be the oldest and dearest of friends in no time for you have shared in the pieces and parts of my life and heart through this blog.

Into this I pose a question.  Do you search for truth?  I think "truth" is a buzz word of late and there is nothing I hate more than a buzz word.  As if you can't have an original thought. As if we each, as though our life depended upon it, have to rally around one coined phrase that so-n-so thought up in yesterday's staff meeting.  Really, Guy?  That's the best you could do?  Leverage. Synergy. Alignment.  Truth is indeed a buzzword in this time in history.  I am not always convinced that it is used by its definition. 

This is what we hear.  "Find your truth."  "Know your truth."  "What is your truth?"

I can make no more true statement than this:  I am equally as interested and excited about advertisements for Spanx as I am for blueberry cheesecake and deep dish pizza.  "Oh, yes, I could use that, and yes, I could also use that and that!"  At least there is some alignment there, no?  But, is that then, my truth?  I like to eat and I realize thereby that I also should utilize Spanx.  Bam.

Nothing makes my eyes roll faster than...."know your truth" and "I found myself and my truth and that's all that matters."   It seems fairly empty headed and trite to make such statements.  Truth by definition means "in accordance with fact" and "without variation."  Thus truth isn't something that each person finds and interprets for themselves.  It is a standard without deviation.

Do you search for truth?  THE truth? Or just "your truth?"  If all you really want to find is "why do I act the way that I do?" might I suggest a therapist?  That isn't really the definition and purpose of life, that "truth" is to help you cope with your circumstances.  Don't buy into the mainstream.  Don't buy into memes, and celebrities, and colloquialisms that say this life is all about you.

Because the actual truth.  The standard without deviation.  Is that this life is so much more. 

Search for truth, dear friends, search for truth, indeed.  God put inside you a desire to know truth.  He set eternity in the hearts of men.  He is the truth.  The standard without deviation.  When you search for meaning and purpose, peace and truth.  That is where you will find it.  If along the way you happen upon some cheesecake, it's probably okay, because you'll probably find me too. 

Gentle Reminders

Hello Readers,

It is a gorgeous evening in upstate. I'm sitting cross legged in my favorite red chair, drinking Simply Lemonade while enjoying a beautiful breeze and sunshine.   This is the perfect day and time to sing that old familiar Sunday School song - This is the day that the Lord has made.  For truly it is.  And I will rejoice and be glad for this day to love and be loved.

I don't get many such relaxing evenings of late.  While I sit here I'm looking at my little patch of vegetation, and my flowers and veggies are looking a little peaked.  I can't tell if it is my overwhelming love that kills things or the lack thereof followed by the overkill of attention.  I have had one jalepeno and it, frankly, was disappointing.  Every stinking year I plant jalepenos and they always taste like regular bell peppers.  No heat.  It's enough to make me crazy. 

I'm getting ready to say "goodbye" to my children who will be heading to Cousin Camp 2018.  It may be an event that is winding down as all the cousins age.  It's a sure sign that summer is halfway over.  I'm kind of sad that none of the cucumbers were ready before they left. I'm going to have to eat a lot of vegetables in August. I always feel a little melancholy when it's time for them to go.  In fact, it takes me a couple days to settle in, but I am always grateful that they have the opportunity to do this. 

As I soak up the last of the evening rays, I realize how desperate I am for a vacation.  I took a calculated risk several months ago that I trust will pay off in the long run. In so doing I have given up vacation time. And I am currently dying. And I mean. Dead.  Mentally, I am completely checked out because the last eight weeks of time have been saturated with information processing. I want to sit in this chair for days and sleep and be tan and drink root beer floats and eat strawberry jam and biscuits. And play Scrabble.  This little cocoon of sun and warmth breeze is pure heaven and I want to stay right here.

But already my mind goes to all the elements that are pressing for the next two nights are booked and my babies leave on Friday. I must get up and tend many fires. A Mommy's job is always there, even if her kids are wearing headphones.

Summer is so delicious. I would drink it from a cup and let the warmth wash over my heart and soul.

This evening is a gentle whisper from my Father.  The One who loves me and created this for my enjoyment.  Thank you for the quiet and comfort inside this night.  Maybe you might send Gabriel with a jam/biscuit message for exhausted little Ang....  Is that a thing?  It might be. It coukd be. We could put it in the suggestion box... 

Embrace all the gentle reminders that come your way, dear readers.  Know that there are angels we entertain unaware.  So take a rest and go back out and shine. 

Quirky

I have some odd quirks.  I cannot brush my teeth with my eyes open. I try to force myself to keep my eyes open sometimes, but it just doesn't work. If you want to scare me, catch me brushing my teeth because I am entirely in my own world in that moment. I also squeeze the toothpaste from the middle. Every single time. I have to sleep on my left side and I have to face the wall. There is no neogotiation. I almost never wear shorts. I think they are extremely uncomfortable. Every time I wear them I feel regret.  I  always feel like I should hug everyone when I take my leave, even if I've just met you. I try to reign that it in. But I'm a hugger so you will probably get one anyway.  If I walk away without one, I feel a little empty inside.

I was thinking today about differences and similarities.  Quirks and the like.  The people that you live with, the people that you associate with, they have to adjust to your "routines" and you adjust to theirs. Sometimes behaviors can be really irritating.  Like when I squeeze the toothpaste from the middle. Each person gets their own tube = problem solved.  It isn't always that easy to solve world peace. It isn't always easy to find compromise and avenues to deal with other people.

I've recently had a little conflict that knocked the wind out of my sails. It was fairly disappointing and I'm frankly not quite over it. In fact, I'm so not over it that I'm dreading the week ahead. I'd just like to take vacation rather than go out into the world.  But I'm readjusting my expectatations, understanding that key differences call for understanding and patience.  I'm taking a few breaths. Waiting a few beats. Basically doing anything to delay falling asleep because then Monday will be here.

Then I just have to chuckle. Because you, Angela, are such an idiot that you can't manage to keep your eyes open and move a toothbrush simultaneously.  Seriously. 

It's not that serious. Right?  Sunday nights are a good time to plan to let it go and embrace a new week. Make some changes. Back off a little. Put a little of the Erin Brokovich to rest. Take a minute to find joy in differences.

It's a new week - let's do it right.

Timing Is Everything

I believe that at least once or twice I have mentioned the things that spark my interest and engage my passion.  Writing is one, but I must say, I have taken a bit of a hiatus in recent months.  I guess there is an ending to the words that would pour from my heart.  I think a lot of it has to do with being withdrawn from social engagement.  I have gathered very little and mostly have kept to tending my own hearth and home.

Normally this would cause me a great deal of personal pain.  After so many years of butting against the system, I have decided to join rank and be satisfied and content with what is.  I believe I even made a post about that.  You can't make people change.  You shouldn't change who you are.  However, at some point there is a marriage of the two and you find you can deal.

I think I've lost a little, but very important piece of myself.  I think I should be more upset than I am.  It's okay to adjust. Because when I look in the review mirror all I see is sadness.  It's okay to blend into the surroundings and learn to be content with that. Because this is the place and time that I am raising my children. Already five years of their life has advanced within the walls of this home. Five years of a mere eighteen that they will be mine.

I often wish it were easier to exert influence. I wish it were easier for people to pick up the good around them. To see sunshine, joy, and pass the spark along. I wanted that to be my legacy. I wanted. In some circles perhaps it has been so. It just hasn't been enough to spark a change in mindset.

New opportunities are coming my way though,  and God has opened some doors for me in ministry.  I think it will give me a bit of spark and joy.  Y'all know by now how much I love to orchestrate, organize, and basically boss people around.  I'm getting the opportunity to host our not-so-small church picnic in the fall. Event planning is such a passion. It's a passion that I have not been able to partake in since Utah. Basically the two things I would love to do for money are writing and event planning.

Event planning is the equivalent of working like a dog so that others can show up, sit down, laugh/drink/eat, and leave you to work like a dog to leave no trace of said experience except a long term memory that has been filed away for a rainy day.  If I have done my job right, when you pull that memory out, you will smile.  And my joy will be complete.

It gives me goosebumps. And so. much.  satisfaction.

I think this will be a catalyst for many fulfilling things in my life. I'm so excited to be in a place where I have been entrusted to do something so big that I love.  It's been so very long.

If you are local, I hope you will come. But. You should know. When I host, there is zero time for me to visit.  But you can stand back and watch me in my element, knowing I have no greater joy than to serve you so that YOU can have the chance to build and enjoy community.

Life is full of waiting rooms. God's waiting room is overflowing and seemingly endless at times. When He begins to work and orchestrate, you will see how much He desires to give you good gifts. It is in His timing.

Timing is everything.

The last seven months have lined me up to fall perfectly into this place.

I'm so ready.

Simple Things

The weather in New York has been quite warm these last few days. I was weeding my flower bed this evening and sweat was just dripping down my face.  The air is thick as you walk out the door but I must say it is somewhat delicious, except, of course, when you are on your way to work and your clothes immediately cling to your frame. It's not quite so pleasant then for you must stand up with your back away from friends and frantically grab at your skirt so it does not cling to your backside in unattractive ways. This happened at church today and I was sure that the peeling of my skin from the chair was heard round the world. What can be done about it? Little sweaty, friends, little sweaty. Apologies. It reminded me of church camp in the eighties with skirts and hosiery and wooden benches and any blessed available piece of paper to fan your face as the preacher spoke on into the night.  With any luck it was not Sunday so that you might be allowed to go get a popsicle from the snack shop after service.  If it was Sunday that place would be boarded up and closed for business so your only hope was to get a wet paper towel from the restroom.  I've told my kids all about my formative years, and Chris and Robert, they can't begin to fathom how you wore jeans and cords year round. I can't either. I think hosiery breathes better than Levi's.

My plants are doing so well in this heat.  I am about to harvest a jalepeno so I'm pretty excited about that.  I might have said an encouraging words or two.  Plants also need some companionship. Or so I've been told.  Frankly, I tend to agree. I think all growing things thrive with tenderness, care and a few good words.  It is about those good words that I am thinking today.

A word fitly spoken is life.  How many times have you longed to have a friendly word from a friendly face? It can make all the difference some days.  We all need a little rain and a lot of sun to make it through this life. A word or two of encouragement sprinkled in and you can watch people bloom.  More than once I have had the privilege to witness people come to life with a little care and concern.

I love that summer is a great time for friendships.  It's a great time to sit around and play cards. It's a great time to enjoy the beauty we've been given. It's a great time to spread life with meaningful conversations.

Relax and invite a friend over today. Enjoy the heat without hosiery and embrace the blessing of air conditioning. It is there as a gift. For you.

I love this quote so I will share again....

...."But where our hearts truly lie is in peace and quiet and good tilled earth. For all Hobbits share a love of all things that grow. And yes, no doubt to others, our ways seem quaint. But today of all days, it is brought home to me it is no bad thing to celebrate a simple life...."

Happy July!!

Summer Hope

Hello to my readers...

Isn't summer spectacular? I am currently obsessed with sitting on my back porch, amidst my plants, and soaking up all the delicious days. In fact, I though the rain has stopped for good this evening, so I headed out, put up the ambiance umbrella and settled in.  Then the deluge came! But. But. It was just sunny a minute ago! 

I hope you are drinking tea and relaxing tonight. I hope you are reflecting on your day and preparing for the week to come.  My kids are finally on summer break, and, frankly as they have pointed out, it really isn't a break since they go to camp every day. And camp starts tomorrow!  Hooray for getting up early and packing lunches. Didn't we just do this four days ago?! 

I have had a very unique week. It was surreal. It was slightly uncomfortable, and, sometimes, a lot uncomfortable. But nonetheless, I am currently in a unique position to offer hope.  To offer (a little) clarity and calm in a sea of utter chaos. 

I have not known how to react to the simple, direct, hugs and heartfelt "thank you's" coming my direction. From everywhere.  It is so very, very humbling. Truly.  To those reading for which this situation applies, I have been at a loss to respond...  So.  "You're welcome." 

It feels good to be on the other side of hope. To be a bringer, rather than a sustainer.  To bring the joy of the sun and summer to those who have long been in winter. It has been an exhausting week but this puzzle piece will now come full circle and I feel very content with where it will fall and close. It brings me joy where once there was great heartache. 

Hope is a powerful thing.  Give hope when you can. Even if it costs you something.  You might just be the small piece of change that makes all the difference. In a world full of sadness and despair. In a world where people are "opting out" all around us.

No matter the situation.

Be hope. Be change. Be joy.  Be sun.

Be Jesus. 

To a world full of hurting people.  Look outside your own life. And give.  The joy that will be yours will be immeasurable. 

Right Here

We've made it to June.

The pollen is thick in NY. My black car is yellow. And I feel lousy.  

But the days are longer. The breeze is heavenly.  

Our schedule is full as we wind down the school year. Last concerts. Last field trips. Last days of basketball. I enjoy this time of the year. I welcome the slower days ahead. The warmth. The flowers, the colors, the fresh vegetables. 

Once I get over feeling lousy, it's going to be amazing.

Summer is a time for leisure and I think most welcome the days with lots of activity but rest from schedule. Routine takes a back seat for a few months and it is nice to hang out at home and enjoy the fruits of your labor.  I for one, love being a homebody.  I am pleased to sit on my porch or sit in my house and enjoy the fresh breeze and sunshine.

This school year has really been pivotal for my children.  They have grown so much. Friends have been made. Kids gather at our home which is just amazing. I'm finally the mom making stacks of grilled cheese and doling out Sunny D. I never thought we'd get there.

Entering middle school was rough for my sweet Noah. He battled those first few months, but eventually settled into the routine. He pushed himself and he has excelled. He has grown taller and skinnier if that is even possible. I'm sure I have not been skinny in my entire life, but it's okay, it's okay, someone has to have the curves. He is his father's boy from his looks to his mannerisms and he melts my heart. He put his Boy Scout cooking skills to work last night and made us hamburgers and brownies. Nothing wrong with aging children, nothing wrong at all.

If Noah is every bit his father, Aaron is every bit his mother. He is opinionated and vocal about his feelings. He has a great sense of humor and enjoys entertaining the masses. (He does a great impression of New Yorkers' accent and wording.) He is caught between being little and wanting to be big. It's hard being the youngest. He is ready for middle school but we're not quite there yet. I tell him the same thing I was told, "You'll be older soon enough. Enjoy being a kid."  I didn't get it and neither does he. That's okay. As we exit the fourth and sixth grades in the coming weeks and head into summer....

I'm very content.

Contentment can be, and has been, elusive.  I'm currently nestled right there, even as my third son rests against my arm.

A cleansing breath (and mucous hack- thanks pollen). It feels good to be right here. Finally.

Strength Is A Good Thing

Do you know what defines strength?

There are a variety of ways that we could say someone is strong.

Physical strength is generally desirable. It's always nice to have someone around to lift a couch or washer. I'm usually the go-to person for that. Or not. But hey I do some push-ups. I carry around a very big cat who believes himself to be my third child.

Mental strength is admirable. Focus, determination, clarity, drive are all forms of mental strength. Incidentally, those with excessive physical strength usually have a good dose of mental strength.

Spiritual strength is one that is often less admired or sought but it is one that I probably most appreciate.  I so admire those given eyes to see the Lord's Christ. Those whose hearts are tender enough to receive Him. 

Emotional strength is the cornerstone.  The foundation that life rests upon.  Here is where the strength lies to do all the rest.  Your emotional center.  It is teeming with activity from about age 4 seconds.  Anyone who has given birth to a living child knows that. That new baby is not having it. It has not been a pleasant journey to arrive here and now he's being plopped here and there naked as can be while being poked and seemingly manhandled. This stinks. And he is mad.

Emotions. Think for a minute how much emotion might go into your day.  You likely will experience a feeling of love from a pet, a spouse, a child, a mother, a friend. You will experience pleasure by eating, seeing a text, getting through a green light. You will probably experience anger or frustration at least once from traffic, work stress, or unexpected news. Just a regular run-of-the-mill day will have a variety of emotions. Even if you are not fully tapped in or engaged, meaning you are not experiencing them in a deep and very conscious way.

In my mothering journey I am dealing with emotions in a very heightened way right now.  My sons are fully engaging in stretching to independence. Understanding the concept that  I am not my parent. I am an individual. I have my own thoughts and my own feelings. About everything. Even, and maybe especially, about faith.

Angela has a large pile of emotions. Just so many feelers are out there and involved.  I care about a lot of people and a lot of things. I don't necessarily need competitors, but I have two strapping young bucks entering this arena. I am praying for so much wisdom. Today in worship we sang a favorite song of mine - Lord, I need you. With a room full of people singing out, asking, begging for God to be close, I felt such peace.  God is close.  He is near. He is the giver of emotion. He is the giver of wisdom. And He is near.  He is near to those with broken hearts and broken bodies. He is near to the young and to the old.

Emotional strength. It's so important. I think it eludes many. Let's be clear. Emotional strength has little to do with crying.  It is the ability to engage and process the feelings that come with life and experiences. Even if you are not an "emotional person," you will attach a feeling to the things you experience.  I think we often miss the importance of processing. You must process the emotions of your experiences. Don't bury that stuff. Big or small. It's detrimental.

I'm working through this with my babies who are entering phase one of teenage life.  I will give my best efforts here. Where it matters.  Within the hearts of my boys. 

It wasn't so long ago that they were 4 seconds of age. It just was. Yesterday.  And soon it will be tomorrow and they will let go of my hands forever.

Friends, think about those emotions. Bring out and dust off those feelings. Don't let them eat away your life. You just have the one.

Be strong. 

Lovingly Dedicated

Every person has their own definition of family.  Each person has had different experiences with the concept and relational aspects that go with it.  Some have had positive experiences and others may have had less than.  I guarantee, though, that when the word "family" is said, something specific will come to mind.  You would have an instant gut reaction that is directly proportional to your experiences.  Oh, dear friends, it would be my hope that for you it would have been a positive experience. 

Family does not always mean blood relatives, although you are born into a blood family.  We joke quite a bit in my own family about "blood being thicker than water."  Therefore, the married-in's have to band together to thwart those activity and food needs that the blood relatives will enforce.  Such as mac-n-mater and Scrabble.  Look I know these things are not for everyone.  I mean I get if you are not intelligent enough to formulate an acceptable word on the playing board.  But, for the love, try the mac-n-mater and embrace it. I can be a Sam-I-Am right now and tell you that you might just like it if you try it.  Elbow macaroni -al dente - with hot tomato juice poured over. Yes, that is PLAIN macaroni and PLAIN tomato juice.  There is no cheese involved. It is not spaghetti sauce. Just macaroni and tomato juice preferrably fresh squeezed from your garden but, Campbell's is okay. Add salt and pepper to taste. Please tell me how much you love it after you try it.

Guess what, my husband is out of town this week and this is on the menu for dinner - tonight!  Because he can't with the mac-n-mater. But I still married him.  And he gets to bond with all the other married-in's who can't stand it.  So it works.

Blood IS usually thicker than water, it is a natural instinct to find your way back to those that share your familial lines. You get each other.  You are each other. Those deep ties that bind for a lifetime flow in your veins.  However, there are circumstances when those deep ties falter and fail.  There are those circumstances of human error, faulty reasoning, and damaging tides that cannot be stemmed and you find you will not return.  There are circumstances where you do not often see your blood family due to distance.  In these cases you form a new family by reaching out and bonding with others around you.  These people may not understand mac-n-mater or Scrabble but in time the bond will be created and neither time nor distance will be able to tear it in two.

However your family is formed, however the ties have been bound, these are your people for life.  My sweet nephew is graduating at the end of this month; he is my only nephew on my side of the family. Out of the blue, I'm feeling quite emotional about it.  I will journey back to my homeland and I will celebrate his launching with great pride and joy, although I have had little to do with it.  So much of his early life that I got to see before I moved away does remain forever.  Words that he said.  Expressions that he used.  Same with other nieces and my own kiddos. These are regular speak to this day in my house.  You might have even heard me use some.  We eat "root salad" and still request to send "ony out." We say "peas" when we want more, and "s' acky" when something is gross. I will give you a long sentence for demonstrative purposes only.  Baked/boiled potatoes, pasta beans, peas, beer, tiramisu, dark chocolate, and anything that comes out of the sea (insert grimace for effect) s'acky. (is acky)   I love that we have that.  I love that we get to carry and keep bits and pieces of our family with us wherever we go.  Even though we have missed out on lots, we still have keepsake memories.  We still work diligently to stay connected. 

Your people for life.  You will drop everything to be with them when they call.  You will not be selfish and you will give of your time and money, and it will not be a drudgery because you enjoy them that much.  They fulfill and complete you.  Blood or water or both. 

I have these people in my mind.  My family. Blood, water and both.  The joy I have in these knows no bounds.  It is complicated, comforting, constricting and freeing all in one ginormous swoop.  I would gladly lay down my life in exchange for any one. The emotion that they can stir in me is life affirming.  It IS life.

I don't think he reads my blog.....so he can't be too embarrassed....

Ya-Ya, your auntie is so proud of you young man, by all accounts you are such a good little egg. Be proud of the reputation you have earned.  Be mindful it is very, very easy to lose.  May the trials that will come strengthen both your soul and your faith, and give your character substance.  Try to remember who I am when you are in college and when you get married and when you have your babies.  In the meantime....may our God shine His face so warmly on your path.   

Pomp and Circumstance in 3-2-1....

Thursday

Gentle Readers....

Have I conveyed how much I enjoy time in this space to share my heart? 

I think every person has that one passion that just makes them feel alive, makes them feel like themselves, and in that glimmer of time, you know that you are doing what you have been made for. Writing is that for me and lately, I have not spent much time doing what I love.  There are many reasons for that, and most of them are good. 

We spoke about agendas recently, one thing on that list that I am ticking off and "developing" is getting up and exercising before work.  Thumbs down to this, friends.  Just.  Big thumbs down.  I mean if God wanted us to exercise He would have given us bigger feet and hands.  For the love, I cannot balance on these teeny toes, lower my body to the ground and then be expected to bring it back up. It's not natural. Plus, it's 0600, all good and decent hobbits are still snuggled in their beds dreaming of third breakfast which includes a blueberry muffin if we want to be frank.  Yet, here I have been, day after day, dry heaving here and there, pushing my body to do something.  And I am not happy about it.  So, the next time you see me you better say all the things like, "sculpted" and "lean" and "healthy" and "fit" and "tall" and "graceful" and "beautiful." I'm not kidding.  Write it down.

In this new direction my life has taken, I have been presented with a lot of learning, growing and developing.  I am working in an environment unlike any of which I have been a part.  First, it is an international company involving people from many countries.  It is largely male dominated.  Further, these males are engineers, which means they are very smart.  I often feel intimidated when I think the playing field is not level.  I have many wonderful qualities, but I do not think I am as intelligent as an engineer, nor do I think like one.  I sit at my desk and listen to the chatter around me.  I observe the communication and interaction.  While I feel exactly the opposite of all my co-workers, I find I also feel at home.  Because my difference is pivotal.  My difference completes the puzzle.  I come along and do the the small things in the background that help to run the ship. I have excellent interpersonal and organizational skills which bridges all divides.  I tend to market myself in this area when I'm job hunting, because these two skills are vital to any role and the rest can be learned.  I enjoy my job more and more and I hope that at the end of the term, I will be offered a full time role.  I'm glad to be in a learning phase.

I was almost in a car accident recently.  I was making a left hand turn with a green arrow. As I was starting the turn, a car came barreling through the red light, also making a left turn that would have put him right into myself and another car. He was going really fast and I was sure it wasn't going to end well for me. Death. Dismemberment. These are the things running through your mind. Suddenly those push-ups don't sound half bad now. I'm still here, friends. I have all my limbs.  I'm reminded once again how God orchestrates our lives. Our lives are fully in His hands. That might have been the day I met Jesus face-to-face. Which would not have been all bad for me.  We make all these plans and push and pull our way through life. We worry and stress and wonder how things will work out.  Meanwhile all our days have already been numbered.  Meanwhile the plan is already in motion.  Meanwhile. Things will unfold from an eternal perspective.  All these little details of our lives add up to one paragraph in the novel God is writing. 

I'm going to get up tomorrow and exercise. I'm going to grumble about it because the scale continues to go up so whatever. I'm going to go to work and fill the coffee, help someone with the copy machine, and listen to the Dutch language flow around me. It's probably not going to be a life-changing day. But maybe it is. Maybe it is my last day on Earth.  So l should make it count. For eternity.

I wish I could see my part in the story. I wish I could know for sure if I've made any difference to anyone.  It's food for thought on a Thursday.  God is writing a story and He loved me enough to include me for a brief part. I hope I make Him proud.

Something To Let Go

We often hold onto things that perhaps we should let go. Grudges, pain, anger, jobs, 5th Avenue bars, coats.  I recently got rid of a coat that I've been hoarding for a good 6 years.  I would wear this coat in all seasons and weather conditions.  If I was shoveling snow, I was wearing it.  If it was a little chilly in May, I was wearing it.  It was so comfortable and perfect. Except for one thing.  For maybe two years now it had a giant hole in the seam under the arm.  Mostly I don't think you could see it unless my arm was raised.  I just couldn't bring myself to discard it even with the hole. To me, it was still perfect despite its distinct imperfection.  I was certain to never find a replacement.

With very little research, I found a replacement.

I kind of had a little ceremony as I discarded it.  This coat was with me in Utah, carried me through some rough days in New York; it soaked up a lot of tears, rain, snow, and probably some mustard.  It was like an old friend.  I took a photo. Ya know, for posterity. For when I'm 80 and can't remember the precious.  Then I rolled my eyes at my own behavior and promptly deleted it.  We humans can be a bit weird with a camera in such daily close proximity.  We don't need a photo of the M&M's we are about to eat.  Or do we? 

I wonder if we hold onto things more than people. Is it a possibility that we value things more than relationships? 

I wonder if we let go of people more easily than we should.  Is it a possibility that we value ourselves more than we value others?

I stood up for my coat.  When my family teased me, I paid them no mind.  I'm good with it; I love this coat.  "Are you going to buy me the exact same coat? Or any coat at all?"  No, you are probably not; therefore, I will continue to put it on and brave the elements.  I was definitely in full support of an inanimate object, although it was clearly lacking in value.

I'm out in the world everyday. I'm on social media. I have pre-teens.   Do you know what I see?  Do you know what I hear? A lot of profanity.  A lack of compassion.  Minimal respect. Maximum chaos.  I see things valued in my own house. Things are important. Screens are important.  Even to myself if I'm honest.  Screens teach us to value ourselves.  What only we want to see and do. Our texts. Our Netflix show. Our photos.  It's all about us.  I see it clearly in my own life, coat jokes aside.  It is self serving and causes me to be self-absorbed. 

Selfish people are not good with relationships.  That's a fact.  Because relationships require self-less-ness.  You have to look to the interests of others in a relationship.  How can I better help this person?  How can I better know and love this person?  How can I be a good friend?  How can I get involved in their life? 

My son asked me, yesterday, "Can you imagine a life without the internet?"  Then he giggled because he knew.

Yep.  I sure can because I lived part of my life without the internet.

"What in the world did you do all the time?"

Played lots of board games. Went swimming. Went sledding. Built forts - lots. Rode my bike - a lot. Climbed trees. Made a carnival for the neighborhood, a time or two; advertised said carnival for hours standing at the end of my driveway holding a sign on my not-well-traveled street, sold....three(?) tickets. (Yep, I was a carney in my former life. There are some stories in there for my memoirs.)  Read books - a lot. Gardened. Colored.  Whined about being bored. Probably whined some more.  Did some chores.  Most of my life was collaborative.  Not singular.  I think that is important to note.

No, I don't think screens ruin everything.  But I wholeheartedly believe that they do impact today's relationships and minimize the value we place in others and what is going on around us. I think those who have had screens a larger part of their life can't see the difference or notice the issue.  You can quickly hop on social media and get all the "self affirmation" you need from meaningless places.  What matters is what is in front of you. The people beside you.

Can I champion, doing, without electronic devices?

Can I champion board games?  Can I champion talking? Can I champion puzzles? Maybe foursquare?  It's hard work.  Parenting. Friending. Loving. Physically talking. Working. Improving. Involving. It's hard.

But it's worth it.  Grab another 5th Avenue for the journey and do it.  I'm here with you.  Letting go of my phone....and grabbing your hand..... 

What Makes The Match Worthwhile

Today was the kind of day that required a cup of tea to warm the cockles of the heart.  It was raining, and sometimes spitting snow.  The type of day that could quickly chill to the bone.  I'm curled up, drinking my coffee and ready to write.

I just returned to work today after a few days of vacation.  Vacation was so lovely, so exhausting, and so lovely.  I returned home for a few days; I don't make it home very often.  I spent a lot of time in the car and time in the car is always perfect for thinking and reminiscing.  It's the road home and the road home is always laden with memories, achingly beautiful and painful, memories.

Friday was the five year anniversay of leaving Utah.  I opened social media as the miles through the backwoods of Pennsylvannia added up, and two photos said, "Good Morning, Angela."  One of me and my very good friend.  And one of our combined five children. I couldn't even.  My mind returned to March 30, 2013, 0830 MST.  Five children, ten and under, are milling about, without a complete understanding of how much life will change in two short hours.  They know goodbyes will be said, a plane ride is imminent, a reunion will occur, and lives will begin to be lived separately.  But they don't fully comprehend what it will be like.

I know what it will be like.

I've done this before.

My heart is broken.

I already said goodbye to my other good friend last night.  From the moment she left me, the rest of my time in Utah is tainted by "the end." I laid awake and cried big salty tears and deep sobs that shook my body as I tried to stifle the pain in my pillow.  I know this season is over.  I know I will see these friends again, but I don't know when and I don't know under which circumstances we will once again reunite.  It hurts.  I know that the loss will leave a gaping hole in my life, one that will never truly be completely filled again for I'm leaving a piece of myself behind.  My grief is so great that I'm not sure I will be able to make the journey.  How am I going to look after two young children when I can barely function?

I'm not able to speak.  There is so much I want to convey, so much I want to say, so much I want to hold on to.  I want to live in the moment and celebrate the last words, the last glimpses of the familiar, but I can't embrace it.

I'm encircled in a group of my loved ones.  They are holding me and praying for me.  Dear readers, this is when you know you are the most cared for, when someone hugs you and asks God to keep you and bless your path. They are asking God to grant us friendships in our new home, I start to lose it here and never quite regain it the rest of the day. It's a generous and non-selfish request; one a true friend would make.  I can still hear them praying if I close my eyes.  I can here share with them that God has answered that prayer; I'm grateful.

The actual "goodbye" was anti-climatic as all goodbyes are unless you are in a movie.  It was quick, simple, mostly wordless, and we were on our way.  I cried most of the day.  I mean the.entire.day.  I wore my sunglasses on the flight, and shamelessly used my scarf as a giant snot rag.  I caught some looks of disgust, but I can't care about what the random strangers think.   When I landed in Albany, NY at 10:30pm EST, I was still crying.  I honestly did not improve until a few weeks had passed and that is the honest truth.  Grief is a process.  It takes some time.  Sometimes it takes longer than others.

I still miss these dear ones.  Five years later and the photos transport me; the pain is fresh.  I don't often talk to them. We are in different time zones and life is busy. I knew this would happen and that is why my grief was so great as I stepped out of the house for the last time.  It is hard to close a precious season of time knowing it will not again open.  I carry a piece of their heart with me.  They are talked about in my house and remembered with great love and fondness, much as I imagine I am in their houses.  For this is true and lasting friendship.

I anxiously look forward to the day when I shall see them again. I cannot say for certain when it will be.  But I will plunk down the cards or Scrabble board and all will be well.  For I will win, even if I lose, because the company is always what makes the match worthwhile.

Dear readers, can I encourage you to hold those in your "this season" tightly?  Embrace the time and moments you are given.  It's often the most precious after the last goodbyes are said. 20/20 hindsight in relationships is not a positive.  Enjoy today.  Enjoy now.  We know that life is always changing, and we never know just when those lasting, impactful changes will come.  Where will you be in five years?  Who will be with you there?  Can you say for certain?

Open your heart and love your people today.  Get in there, eat, drink, laugh, play some games, write some texts, enjoy God's most precious gift.  Friends for a lifetime are out there, but you might only get them for a season.  Don't squander it.  I raise my cup of coffee to you, readers, I know you will take this message to heart.

"Drink with me to days gone by, to the life that used to be.  At the shrine of friendship never say die, let the wine of friendship never run dry. Here's to you. And here's to me."

A Cruel and Wise Friend

Gentle readers....

How goes your journey?  Are you feet tired from walking?  Are you running without tiring?  Is your heart heavy laden?  Are the best days upon you?

My heart is full but my pen is silent.  This happens every once in awhile.  I can't find a way to make the connection from heart to head to paper.  I guess some might call this "writers block." 

I've been trying to make some headway in my seven year itch.  I so desperately am stuck in a phase of, "Please help me get out of the state of New York in whatever means necessary and/or is/as required."   It's pretty bad, friends.  I'm trying so hard to be cool with it, but ick.  I have been so compressed and depressed by the current state of affairs.  I find I am almost no use in conversation because I have absolutely nothing to talk about.  I feel empty and quite void of expression which, for a writer, is like death.  It might sound like an exaggeration, but writers need to engage life, people, experience to find fulfillment, even if these experiences are not pleasant.  A day-to-day life of "get up, go to work, come home, rinse, repeat" is gray.  Writers write and experience in color.  Big, bold, beautiful, emotional colors. 

I've almost put myself in a strict "to do" list phase.  Each part of the day is really a list of things to cross off.  Seeking ways to improve myself, my parenting, my house, my health are all on a daily list.  I am legitimately  proud that I have almost consumed a bottle of vitamins.  I cannot actually say if I have ever done that before.  Prenatal vitamins, what?!  Forget it, they didn't stay down anyway.  If you follow me on social media you will note my exasperation that breakfast mostly contains vitamins and limited amounts of cereal.  But, in the ticking off of that item, I find great pleasure.   It's a mundane pleasure, but it gets me back on track.  It helps me to feel some emotion and that, my dear readers, is the key.  A writer can't live in a world without emotions.

I spent the last year of my life fully engaged outside of my home.  I was completely wrapped up in a world that had no bearing on anything of importance.  Completely wrapped up in it. And it held absolutely no value.  Not for the long term.  When the choice was made to return to myself and my family, I found myself really lost.  Grateful that I had chosen life.  But lost nonetheless. All my NY life was spent there.  Any acquaintances and friendships were left behind.  All my "being needed" was gone. 

This phase is rebuilding and that is mundane; it is not an exciting time for anyone.  Can I say, though, that deep inside I do feel much better about the progression of my life?  Can I say that these times truly are needed?  Being empty and alone, being without life as a runaway train?  Good for the soul.  Really good for the soul. Inventory and evaluation takes place like no other time in your life.  (It's not particularly fun.  I'm certainly not jumping up and down about it.)  But so good.

I am a better mother right in this space than I ever was last year.  That is the honest, discouraging truth.  I am in my kids' business.  I am putting them to work.  I am pushing them to learn. I'm getting them off electronic items and making them play games with me.  I'm encouraging them about life. I'm encouraging them in friendships.  When I can focus on my kids and check that off, I feel good.  I feel a deep joy when I share in their life.  I can still reach into their life, so far, and get us both a little farther down the road. It is increasingly difficult and I am grateful that I am in this space and time with them.  It might have been too late had I left it go farther.

I am working at being better, physically.  I put on a good 10-15 pounds in the last year and I'm just rolling my eyes about it.  It started by being so busy I only had time and effort for copious amounts of Mountain Dew and Reese Eggs and ended with a sitdown job where sluggish days are the thing and I just happen to like Mountain Dew and Reese Eggs.  When I can check off that I've focused on my health, and have done better in this area, I feel good.

Each day is mundane, full of checklists, and time for evaluation.  It isn't full of emotion, but is calculating.  I am in fact trying to decide and make the choice about the seven year itch.  To visualize the success and happiness of my children.  From here the next phase of my life is emptying my nest.  My focus is digging in and getting my kids from point A to point B.  If that means NY is it, then NY is it.  I can choose to be happy and reassert myself into culture.

I don't find after 5 years into New York that I have the same joy that I had 5 years into Utah.  But comparison is the thief of joy.  These are two separate seasons and phases; it is a disservice for me to continue to compare.  "Joy is always with us," as my son once said, "it is happiness that comes and goes."  Happiness is a decision. 

Happiness is something that I can check off, each day, because I have the focus I need.

It's an emotionless gift, for now, but it is a gift.  Not too much farther down the road, I will be giggling with friends and enjoying the sunny days and the grey season of comparison, evaluation and doubt will fall behind.

I hope I remember well the lessons it has taught.  It has been a cruel friend, but a wise one, nonetheless.